Robert Asprin - Myth 09 - M.Y.T.H Inc in Action

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ÿþAuthor's Note:

/ am not a fast writer,

I am not a slow writer,

I am a half fast writer!

R. L. ASPRIN

THE FAN MAIL I've received has been pretty much

split on the subject of my last Introduction; some

found it interesting and insightful, while others

thought it was boring and a waste. If you are of the

latter group, please feel free to jump ahead directly

into the story, since there is nothing in this mes-

sage you need to know to understand (and, hope-

fully, enjoy) the book.

For the rest of you, this note is mostly an

apology ... or, more accurately, a string of apol-

ogies.

Back in M. Y. T.H. Inc. Link, I optimistically stated

that I would be trying to write two Myth episodes

a year . . . and things have not been the same

since. I, my publishers, and many bookstores and

dealers have been flooded with queries and de-

vii

viii

Robert Asprin

mands for "the next Myth book," with each reader

being sure the books were in existence somewhere

because of the schedule I had so foolishly "com-

mitted to" in that introduction.

To belabor the obvious, 1 haven't been able to

write at the speed I anticipated at the time. While

the popularity of the series and the loyalty of its

readers is both gratifying and profitable, any pub-

lisher can tell you that trying to get a book out of

an author when "it isn't happening" is like push-

ing on a rope. You see, when I made my writing

"guesstimate," I had just finished writing MIL,

and the speed with which the prose goes onto the

page when I'm closing on the end of a book was

still fresh in my mind. That is, when it's flowing, it

flows very fast. What I had overlooked was the

months of outlining and false starts that go on

before things get flowing (These books only look

spontaneous and easy to write. Honest!) Anyway,

the cruel realities of the situation surfaced when I

tried to meet my promised schedule, and I fell far

behind my anticipated timetable. As the queries

and demands from the readers grew, the tolerance

of the publishers for late delivery grew less and

less, and the pressures on me increased "to get the

manuscript in" with, less and less time for rewrites

and polish.

Finally, in 1988, things blew up. I got into a

dispute with Donning/Starblaze (the prime Myth

publisher . . . the mass market [small paperback]

editions from Ace are subcontracted reprints) over

royalties. The dispute has been settled, and the

M.Y.T.H. INC. IN ACTION

only reason I mention it here is that it lasted the

better part of a year . . . delaying my writing that

much more.

In addition to the negotiated terms of that set-

tlement, however, there is an additional apology

that I owe the management of Donning. You see,

part of the settlement was that the next book (the

one you're holding) would not be advertised nor

orders taken until the manuscript had been deliv-

ered. This was an effort to take some of the

"deadline" pressure off my writing as I tried to get

back into stride. There were two unfortunate side

effects of that condition, however. First, I was

unable to reply to the many readers and fans

asking when the next book would be out ... as

it would be less than fair to insist that Donning not

advertise a release date, then banter it about my-

self. Secondly, at one point I gave my assurance to

Donning on the phone as to when the manuscript

would be completed . . . then promptly forgot

that I had done so. This meant that when I

encountered problems with my writing, I ne-

glected to warn Donning of the delay, and in that

absence of revised information, they launched an

extensive and expensive advertising campaign for

the release of the book in late '89 ... only to

suffer embarrassment and loss of credibility when

the manuscript failed to appear for production.

While I am not in a position to repair the

financial damage caused by the "false start" adver-

tising campaign, I feel it only honorable to offer

public apology to Donning for the professional

x Robert Asprin

embarrassment which my memory lapse caused.

For the record, the late appearance of this volume

is due to delays at the author's end, not the

publisher, distributor, bookstore, or dealer. Writ-

ers are often quite loud in voicing horror stories

about having their works mishandled by the pub-

lishing industry, yet not so vocal when it comes to

admitting their own shortcomings. Folks, this time

the confusion and delays were my fault, and the

distress I feel because of that will only be com-

pounded if I allow others to take the blame by

remaining silent.

While I'm prattling, let me try to head off an-

other potential round of misunderstanding and

confusion. In July of '90, another humor series of

mine, science fiction this time, will premiere with

the publishing of Phule's Company. Please do not

panic. This new series is in addition to, not replacing,

the MYTH novels. As promised back in MIL, the

MYTH novels will continue at least through #12.

(More than) Enough said. While this intro hasn't

been as much fun as the last, look at it as a

different sort of insight into the "carefree life of an

author" and the frustrating complexities of the

publishing industry. Enjoy the book. I only hope it

justifies the wait.

ROBERT LYNN ASPRIN

February 1990

Introduction:

"What am I doing here?"

ANY RECRUIT, ANY ARMY

"NAME?"

Now, in those circles within whose company I

am accustomed to travelin', it is considered impo-

lite to ask questions in general . . . and that

question in specific. Unfortunately, I was currently

well outside those circles, and as such felt com-

pelled to answer the inquiry, however rude.

"Guido."

"Home address?"

"The Bazaar at Deva."

"What?"

"The Bazaar at ... Oh! Uh . . . just say . . .

'varies.'"

The joker what was takin' down this information

gives me a hard look before continuing with his

questions. I give him my best innocent look back,

2 Robert Asprin

which as any jury can tell you is most convincing

though deep down inside I am more than a little

annoyed with myself. Bein' a smarter than average

individual, I should have recalled that even

though my travels and adventures with the Boss

have accustomed me to other dimensions, to most

folks here on Klah such places as the Bazaar at

Deva are unheard of, and therefore suspicious. As

I am makin' a specific effort to be inconspicuous,

this is not the wisest answer to have given.

"Height and weight?"

This question makes me feel a bit better, as it

serves to remind me that whatever I say or do, I

will never be totally inconspicuous. You see, I am

what is politely referred to as "a large person" . . .

or less politely as "a knuckle-dragging monster."

While this is of invaluable assistance considerin' my

chosen profession, it does, however, make it difficult

to blend with any given crowd. In fact, I would be

the largest person in the line if it were not for Nunzio

who is maybe an inch shorter, but a bit bulkier.

I can see the guy with the questions has noticed

this all by himself, since he keeps glancin' back

and forth between the two of us as he jots down

my responses.

"Next of kin?"

"I guess that would be Nunzio, here," I sez,

jerkin' a thumb at my colleague.

"You two are related?"

"He's my cousin."

"Oh."

For a second I think he's about to say somethin'

M.Y.T.H. INC. IN ACTION 3

more, but then he just shrugs and scribbles a little

more on his pad.

"Do you have a criminal record?"

"Beg pardon?"

"A criminal record. Have you ever been ar-

rested?"

"No convictions."

That earns me another hard look.

"I didn't ask about convictions. I asked if you've

ever been arrested."

"Well . . . yeah. Hasn't everybody?"

"What for?"

"Which time?"

"How many times have you been arrested?"

"Oh, three . . . maybe four dozen times . . .

but no convictions."

The joker has his eyebrows up now.

"You've been arrested nearly fifty times with no

convictions?"

"No witnesses," I say, showin' him my teeth.

"I see," the guy sez, lookin' a little nervous,

which is one of the customary side effects of my

smiles. "Well . . . lefs try it this way ... are

you currently wanted by the authorities?"

"No."

"Good . . . good," he nods, fillin' in that blank

on the form in front of him.

"Okay . . . one final question. Do you know of

any reason why you should not be allowed to

enlist in the army of Possiltum?"

In the actualities of the siruational, I knew of

several reasons not to enlist . . . startin' with the

4 Robert Asprin

fact that I didn't want to and endin' with the

godawful wardrobe that I would be forced to wear

as a soldier-type.

"Naw."

"Very well/' he sez, pushin' the form across the

table at me. "Just sign or make your mark here,

please."

"Is that all?" I ask, scrirjblin' mv name in the

indicated spot.

"Is that all, sergeant," the joker smiles, pickin' up

the paper and blowin' on the signature.

Another reason for not joinin' the army occurs to

me.

"Is that all, sergeant?" I sez, bein' careful not to

let my annoyance show.

"No. Go to the next tent now and you'll be

issued a uniform. Then report back here and you'll

be assigned to a group for your training."

'Training?"

This is indeed somethin' what had never oc-

curred to me or Nunzio, and could put a serious

crimp in our projected timetable. I mean, how

much trainin' does it take to kill people?

"That's right . . . training," the sergeant sez

with a tight-lipped smile.

"There's more to being a soldier than wearing a

uniform, you know."

Bein' a survival oriented individual, I refrain

from speculatin' out loud as to what this might

entail. Fortunately, the sergeant does not seem to

expect an answer or additional comment. Rather,

M.Y.T.H. INC. IN ACTION 5

he waves me out the door as he turns his attention

to the next unfortunate.

"Name?"

"Nunzio."

Now, those of youse what have been followin'

dese books all along may be wonderin' just why it

is that Nunzio and me is signin' onto Possiltum's

army instead of performin' our normal duties of

bodyguardin' the Boss . . . who you probably

think of as the Great Skeeve, as you is not em-

ployed by him and therefore have no reason to

think of him as the Boss.

This confusion is understandable, as this book is

happenin' right after the book before the last one,

(M.Y.T.H. Inc. Link) . . . and at the same time as

the one before this (Myth-Nomers and Im-Pervec-

tions). Add to that the fact that this is one of the

M.Y.T.H. Inc. volumes, and is therefore bein' told

from my viewpoint instead of the Boss's, and it

becomes clear why your eyes is perhaps crossed at

this point in the narrative. The only consolin' I can

offer youse, is that if youse think my life whilst

workin' for the Boss is confusin' to read, youse

should try livin' it for a month or five!

Actually, to be totally honest with youse, dis

book is not startin' where I was the last time you

saw me, so let me refer youse back to the meetin'

which started us on this particular chain of

events . . .

Chapter One:

"What do you mean

my characters talk funny?"

D. RUNYON

IT is INDEED a privilege to be included in a war-type

council, regardless of what war it is or who in

specific is also attendin'. Only the very elite are

involved, which is to say those who will be fur-

thest from the actual fightin', as such gatherin's are

usually concerned with which portions of one's

forces are expendable, and exactly how and when

they are to be expended. Since it is demoralizin' for

those who are to be dropped into the meat grinder

to know they have been chosen as "designated

receivers," they are logically excluded from the

proceeding, seein' as how if they are made aware

of their roles in advance, they are apt to take it on

the lam rather than dutifully expiring on schedule,

thereby botchin' up many hours of plannin' on

both sides of the dispute in question. From this, it

Robert Asprin

is easy to see that attendin' these borin' but nec-

essary plannin' sessions is not only an honor, it

greatly improves one's chances of bein' alive at the

end of the fracas. To get killed in a battle one has

had a hand in settin' the strategies for is an

indication that one's plannin' abilities are sorely

lackin' and will count heavily against youse when

bein' considered for future engagements.

In this particular circumstantial, however, it was

no special honor to be included in the plannin'

session, as our entire force consisted of a mere five

personages ... six if you count the Boss's

dragon. Needless to say, none of us was inclined

to think of ourselves as fallin' into the "expend-

able" category. Realizin', however, that we was

supposed to be trying to stop a renegade queen

with a sizable mob of army-types at her disposal,

one was not inclined to make book on our chances

for survival . . . unless, of course, one was of-

fered irresistible odds and maybe a decent point

spread.

While there wasn't all that many of us, I, for

one, had no complaints with the quality of our

troops.

Tananda and Chumley are a sister and brother,

Trollop and Troll team. While they are some of the

nicest people it has ever been my pleasure to

encounter, either of them is also as capable as any

five knee-breakers ever employed by the Mob if

they find it necessary to be unpleasant. In the

Boss's absence, they have taken it on themselves to

M.Y.T.H. INC. IN ACTION 9

be the leaders of our expedition ... an arrange-

ment which suits me fine.

You see, my cousin Nunzio and me is far more

comfortable takin' orders than givin' them. This is

a habit we have acquired workin' for the Mob,

where the less you know about why an order is

bein' givin', the better off you are ... parti-

cularly if at a later point you should be called upon

to explain your actions under oath. (For those of

youse who have failed to read about our activities

in the earlier books in this series and are therefore

ignorant as to our identities and modus operandi,

our job description refers to us as "collection

specialists" . . . which is a polite way of sayin'

we're kneecappers.)

The fifth member of our little strike force is

Massha . . . and if that name alone is not suffi-

cient to summon forth an identifyin' image in your

mind, then it is obvious you have not yet met this

particular individual in the flesh. You see, Massha

has a singularly unique appearance which is

unlikely to be mistaken for anyone else, though

she might, perhaps, be mistaken for some-thing

else . . . like maybe a dinosaurous if said saurous

was bein' used as a travelin' display for a make-up

and jewelry trade show. What I am tryin' to say is

that Massha is both very big and very colorful, but

in the interest of brevity I will spare you the

analogous type comparisons. What is important is

that as big and as tough as she is, Massha has a

heart even bigger than her dress size.

We had been holdin' the start of our meetin'

Robert Asprin

until she got back from droppin' the Boss off on

Perv, which she had just done, so now we are

ready to commence the proceedin's.

"So you're tellin' me you think King Rodrick was

whacked by Queen Hemlock? That's why Skeeve

sent you all here?"

This is Big Julie talkin'. While me and Nunzio

have never met this particular individual before,

we have heard of his reputation from the days

when he also worked for the Mob, and it seems he

and the Boss are old friends and that he's one of

our main sources for information and advice in this

dimension. In any case, we are usin' his villa as a

combination meerin' point and base of operations

for this caper.

"That's right," Tananda sez. "Hemlock's always

been big on world conquest, and it looks like her

new husband wouldn't go along with her schemes."

"Realizing she now has the combined power of

her kingdoms' money and the military might of

your old army," Chumley adds, "it occurred to

Skeeve that she might be tempted to try to . . .

shall we say, expand her holdings a bit. Anyway,

he asked us to pop over and see first hand what

was happening."

"I see," Big Julie nods, sippin' thoughtfully at

his wine. "To tell you the truth, it never occurred

to me that the king's dyin' was a little too conve-

nient to be accidental. I'm a little surprised,

though, that Skeeve isn't checkin' this out himself.

Nothin' personal, but he never used to be too good

at delegatin'."

M.Y.T.H. INC. IN ACTION

"He's busy," Massha sez, cuttin' it short like a

casino pit boss.

Tananda shoots her a look then leans forward,

puttin' a comfortin' hand on her knee.

"He'll be all right, Massha. Really."

Massha makes a face, then heaves one of her big

sighs.

"I know. I'd just feel a lot better if he let a couple

of us tag along, is all. I mean, that is Perv he's

wandering around in. They've never been noted

for their hospitality."

"Perv?" Big Julie scowls. "Isn't that where that

weirdo Aahz is from?"

"Where he's from, and where he's gone,"

Chumley supplies. "He and Skeeve had a falling

out, and friend Aahz has quit the team. Skeeve has

gone after him to try to bring him back . . .

which leaves us to deal with Queen Hemlock. So

tell us, Jules, what's the old girl been up to lately?"

"Well, I'll admit there's been a lot of activity

since the king died," Julie admits. "The army's

been on the move almost constantly, and both they

and the kingdom are getting noticeably bigger . . .

know what I mean? If s kinda tike the old days when

I was running the army, only on a bigger scale. I get

a postcard from one of the boys sayin' how they're

visitin' a new country, than ga-bing-ga-bang that

country's suddenly a new part of Possiltum."

"I see," the troll sez thoughtfully. "Well, what

do you think, little sister? You're the only one here

who was along the last time Skeeve stopped this

particular army."

12 Robert Asprin

"Not quite. You're forgetting that Gleep was

there . . . and, of course, Bigjulie."

She winks at that notable who responds with a

gracious half bow. Gleep, the Boss's dragon, raises

his head and looks around at the mention of his

name, then sighs and goes back to sleep.

"'Course, I was on the other side last time," Big

Julie sez, "but it occurs to me that you got your

work cut out for you this time around."

"How so?"

"Well, last time we was the invaders, you know?

The locals didn't like us, even though they didn't

take much of a hand in the resistance Skeeve

organized. This time, though, the army is the

home team, and folks in the kingdom are pretty

much behind 'em all the way."

"You mean the kingdomers are in favor of the

queen's new expansion moves?" Tananda frowns.

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ÿþAuthor'sNote:/amnotafastwriter,Iamnotaslowwriter,Iamahalffastwriter!R.L.ASPRINTHEFANMAILI'vereceivedhasbeenprettymuchsplitonthesubjectofmylastIntroduction;somefounditinterestingandinsightful,whileothersthoughtitwasboringandawaste.Ifyouareofthelattergroup,pleasefeelfreetojumpaheaddirectlyintothesto...

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Robert Asprin - Myth 09 - M.Y.T.H Inc in Action

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