Robert Asprin - Myth 10 - Sweet Myth-tery of Life

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ÿþI

Chapter One:

"Is it just me, or does it seem to you /

get more than my share of troubles?"

JOB

"... AND so, TO recap, the situation is this ..."

I ticked the points off on my fingers, giving my

audience a visual image to reinforce my words.

"First, Queen Hemlock wants me to be her

consort. Second, she's given me a month to think

it over before I reach my decision. Third ..."

I tapped the appropriate finger for emphasis.

"If I decide not to marry her, she says she'll

abdicate, naming me her successor and sticking

me with the whole mess. Got that?"

Despite my concern over my predicament, I

was nonetheless proud of my ability to address

the problem head on, summarizing and analyzing

it as I sought a solution. There was a time in the

not too distant past when I simply would have

lapsed into blind panic. If nothing else, my adven-

tures over the years had done wonders for my

2 Robert Asprin

confidence in my abilities to handle nearly any

crisis.

"Gleep!" my audience responded.

Okay ... so I wasn't all that confident.

While I knew I could muddle through most

crises, the one situation I dreaded the most was

making a fool of myself in front of my friends and

colleagues. While they had always been unswerv-

ing in their loyalty and willingness to bail me out

of whatever mess I blundered into, that didn't

mean I was particularly eager to tax our friend-

ships yet another time, even if it was just for

advice. At the very least, I figured that when I did

approach them, I should be as level-headed and

mature about it as possible, rather than babbling

hysterically about my woes. Consequently, I de-

cided to rehearse my appeal in front of the one

member of our crew I felt truly comfortable

with . . . my pet dragon.

I've always maintained that Gleep is quite

bright, despite the one-word vocabulary that gave

him his name. According to my partner and

mentor, Aahz, my pet's limited vocal range was

merely a sign of his immaturity, and it would

expand as he edged toward adulthood. Of course,

realizing dragons live several centuries, the odds

of my ever having a two-way conversation with

Gleep were slim. At times like this, however, I

actually appreciated having someone to talk to

who could only listen . . . without helpful asides

regarding my inability to walk across the street

without landing myself and the crew in some

kind of trouble.

"The trouble is," I continued, "what with all

SWEET MYTH-TERY OF LIFE 3

the problems and disasters I've had to cope with

over the years, not to mention trying to be presi-

dent of M.Y.T.H. Inc., I haven't had much time for

a love life, like, none at all ... and I sure haven't

given any thought to getting married] I mean, I

haven't ever really reached a decision on whether

or not I want to get married at all, much less

when or to who."

Gleep cocked his head to one side, to all appear-

ances hanging on my every word.

"Of course, I do know I'm not wild about the

alternative. I had a chance to play king once . . .

and that was twice too often, thank you. It was

bad enough when I was just being a stand-in for

Roderick, but the idea of trying to run the king-

dom by myself, as myself, and forever, not just for

a few days, well, that's flat out terrifying. The

question is, is it more or less terrifying than the

idea of being married to Queen Hemlock?"

My pet responded to my dilemma by vigorously

chewing at an itch on his foot.

"Thanks a lot, Gleep old boy," I said, smiling

wryly despite my ill humor. While I obviously

hadn't really expected any glowing words of ad-

vice from my dragon, I had at least thought my

problems were serious enough to hold his atten-

tion. "I might as well be talking to Aahz. At least

he looks at me while he's chewing me out."

Still smiling, I picked up the goblet of wine I

had brought with me for moral support and started

to take a sip.

"Oh, Aahz isn't so bad."

For a startled moment, I thought Gleep had

answered me. Then I realized the voice had come

4 Robert Asprin

from behind me, not from my pet. A quick glance

over my shoulder confirmed my worst fears. My

partner, green scales, pointed teeth and all, was

leaning against the wall not ten feet from where I

stood, and had apparently been listening to my

whole oration.

"Hi, Aahz," I said, covering my embarrassment

with a forced smile. "I didn't hear you come in.

Sorry about that last comment, but I've been a

little ..."

"Don't worry about it, Skeeve," he interrupted

with a wave of dismissal. "If that's the worst

you've had to say about me over the years, I figure

we've been doing pretty well. I do lean on you

kinda hard from time to time. I guess that's gotten

to be my way of dealing with stress."

Aahz seemed calm enough ... in fact, he

seemed to be suspiciously calm. While I wasn't

wild about his shouting at me, at least it was

consistent. This new display of reasonability was

making me uneasy . . . rather like suddenly no-

ticing the sun just rose in the west.

"So . . . what are you doing here, partner?" I

said, trying to sound casual.

"I was looking for you. It occurred to me that

you might need a sympathetic ear while you

figured out what to do next."

Again, a small warning gong went off in the

back of my mind. Of all the phrases that might

occur to me to describe Aahz's interaction with

me in the past, "a sympathetic ear" wasn't one of

them.

"How did you know where I was?"

I was dodging the issue, but genuinely curious

SWEET MYTH-TERY OF LIFE 5

as to how Aahz found me. I had taken great pains

to slip down to the Royal Stables unnoticed.

"It wasn't hard," Aahz said, flashing a grin as he

jerked his thumb at the door. "You've got quite a

crowd hanging around outside."

"I do?"

"Sure. Pookie may be a bit mouthy for my

taste, but she knows her stuff as a bodyguard. I

think she's been tailing you from the time you

left your room."

Pookie was the new bodyguard I had acquired

during my recent trip to Perv . . . before I knew

she was Aahz's cousin.

"That's funny," I scowled. "I never saw her."

"Hey, I said she was good," my partner winked.

"Just because she respects your privacy and stays

out of sight doesn't mean she's going to let you

wander around unescorted. Anyway, I guess Guido

spotted her and decided to tag along . . . he's

been following her around like a puppy ever since

they met . . . and, of course, that meant Nunzio

had to come, too, and . . . Well, the end result is

you've got all three of your bodyguards posted

outside the door to see to it that you aren't

disturbed."

Terrific. I start out looking for a little privacy

and end up leading a parade.

"So, what do you think, Aahz?" I asked.

I knew I was going to get his opinion sooner or

later, and figured I might as well ask outright and

get it over with.

"About what?"

"About my problem," I clarified.

"What problem?"

6 Robert Asprin

"Sorry. I thought you had been listening when I

explained it to Gleep. I'm talking about the whole

situation with Queen Hemlock."

"I know," my partner said. "And I repeat, what

problem?"

"What problem!" I was starting to lose it a

little, which is not an unusual result of talking to

Aahz. "Don't you think . . ."

"Hold on a second, partner," Aahz said, holding

up his hand. "Do you remember the situation

when we first met?"

"Sure."

"Let me refresh you memory, anyway. Your old

mentor, Garkin, had just been killed, and there

was every chance you were next on the hit list.

Right?"

"Right. But . . ."

"Now that was a problem," He'continued as if

I hadn't spoken. "Just like it was a problem when

you had to stop Big Julie's army with a handful of

misfits . . . realizing that, if you were success-

ful, Grimble was threatening to have you killed or

worse when you returned to the palace."

"I remember."

"And when you decided to try to clear me of

that murder rap over on Limbo, a dimension

which just happens to be filled with vampires and

werewolves, I'd say that was a problem, too."

"I don't see what . . ."

"Now, in direct contrast, let's examine the

current situation. As I understand it, you're in

danger of getting married to the Queen, which, I

believe, includes having free run of the kingdom's

treasury. The other option is that you decide not

SWEET MYTH-TERY OF LIFE 7

to marry her, whereupon she abdicates to you . . .

leaving you again with a free hand on the treasury,

only without the Queen." He showed me his im-

pressive array of teeth. "I repeat, what problem?"

Not for the first time, it occurred to me that my

partner had a tendency to appraise the pluses and

minuses of any situation by the simple technique

of reducing everything to monetary terms and

scrutinizing the bottom line.

"The problem is," I said tersely, "that in order

to get that access to the treasury, I have to get

married or become king. Frankly, I'm not sure I'm

wild about either option."

"Compared to what you've been through in

the past to scrape together a few coins, it's not

bad," Aahz shrugged. "Face it, Skeeve. Making a

bundle usually involves something unpleasant.

Nobody . . . and I mean nobody ... is going to

fork over hard cash for your having a good time."

Of course, those "few coins" we had scraped

together over the past years added up to enough to

make even a Pervish banker sit up and take

notice, but I knew the futility of trying to con-

vince Aahz that there was ever such a thing as

enough money.

"Maybe I could just write about having dubious

adventures instead of actually doing anything," I

muttered. "That always sounded to me like a

pretty cushy job to cash in on the good life."

"You think so? Well, let me educate you to the

harsh realities of the universe, partner. It's one

thing to practice a skill or a hobby when you feel

like it, but whether it's writing, singing, or play-

Robert Asprin

ing baseball, when you've got to do something

whether you're up for it or not, it's work\"

I could see this conversation was going no-

where. Aahz simply wasn't going to see my point

of view, so I decided to play dirty. I switched to his

point of view.

"Maybe I'd be more enthusiastic," I said, care-

fully, "if the kingdom's finances weren't at rock

bottom. Doing something unpleasant to acquire a

stack of debts doesn't strike me as all that great a

deal."

Okay. It was hitting below the belt. But that

just happens to be where Pervects such as Aahz

are the most sensitive . . . which is to say where

they keep their wallets.

"You've got a point there," rny partner said

thoughtfully, wavering for the first time in the

conversation. "Still, you managed to finagle a

whole month before you have to make a decision.

I figure in that time we shouM be able to get a

pretty good fix on what the real financial situa-

tion around here is ... end if it can be turned

around."

"There's just one problerr with i:hat," I pointed

out. "I know even less about money than I know

about magik."

"Just off hand, I'd say you were doing pretty

well in both departments."

I caught the tdge in my partner's voice, and

realized that he was on the brink of taking my

comment personally . . which is not surprising

as he was the one who taught me nearly every-

thing I know about magik and money.

"Oh, I'm okay when it conies to personal fi-

SWEET MYTH-TERY OF LIFE 9

nances and contract negotiations . . . more than

okay, in fact . . . and I have you to thank for

that." I said hastily. "What we're looking at now,

though, is high finance ... as in trying to man-

age the funds for a whole kingdom! I don't think

that was covered in my lessons, or if it was, it

went over my head."

"Okay. That's a valid concern," Aahz conceded.

"Still, it's probably the same thing you've been

doing for M.Y.T.H. Inc., but on a larger scale."

"That's fine, except Bunny's been doing most of

the heavy financial work for M.Y.T.H. Inc.," I

grimaced. "I only wish she were here now."

"She is," Aahz exclaimed, clicking his fingers.

"That's the other reason I was looking for you."

"Really? Where is she?"

"Waiting in your room. I wasn't sure what kind

of sleeping arrangements you wanted set up."

One of the changes from my previous stay at

the palace was that instead of sharing a room with

Aahz, I had a room of my own. It's a tribute to

how worried I was, however, that the implica-

tions of what he said went right over my head.

"Same as always," I said. "See if we can find a

room for her that's at least in the same wing of the

palace as ours, though."

"If you say so," Aahz shrugged. "Anyway, we'd

better get going. She seemed real anxious to see

you."

I only listened to this last with half an ear, as

something else had momentarily caught my at-

tention.

I had turned away from Aahz to give Gleep one

last pat before we left, and for the barest fraction

Robert Asprin

of a second saw something I had never noticed

before. He was listening to us!

Now, as I noted earlier, I've always maintained

that Gleep was bright, but as I turned, I had a

fleeting impression of intelligence in his expres-

sion. To clarify, there is a difference between

"bright" and "intelligent." "Bright," as I'd always

applied it to my pet, means that he is alert and

quick to learn. "Intelligent," on the other hand,

goes beyond "monkey see, monkey do" tricks, all

the way to "independent thought."

Gleep's expression as I turned was one of

thoughtful concentration, if not calculation. Then

he saw me looking at him and the look disap-

peared, to be replaced with his more familiar

expression of eager friendliness.

For some reason, this gave me a turn. Perhaps

it was because I found myself remembering re-

ports from the team about their efforts to disrupt

the kingdom in my absence. Specifically, I was

recalling the claim that Gleep had nearly killed

Tananda . . . something I had dismissed at the

time as being an accident that was being blown

out of proportion in their effort to impress me

with the difficulties of their assignment. Now,

however, as I stared at my pet, I began to wonder

if I should have paid closer attention to what they

were saying. Then again, maybe it had just been

the light playing tricks on me. Gleep certainly

looked innocent enough now.

"Com'on, partner," Aahz repeated testily. "You

can play with your dragon some other time. I still

think we should try to sell that stupid beast off

before he eats his way through our bankroll. He

SWEET MYTH-TCRY OF LIFE

really doesn't add anything to our operation . . .

except food bills."

Because I was already watching, I caught it this

time. For the briefest moment Gleep's eyes nar-

rowed as he glanced at Aahz, and an almost

unnoticeable trickle of smoke escaped from one

nostril. Then he went back to looking dopey and

innocent.

"Gleep's a friend of mine now, Aahz," I said

carefully, not taking my eyes off my pet. "fust

like you and the rest of the crew are. I wouldn't

want to lose any of you."

My dragon seemed to take no notice of my

words, craning his neck to look around the stable.

Now, however, it seemed to me his innocence

was exaggerated . . . that he was deliberately

avoiding looking me in the eye.

"If you say so," Aahz shrugged, heading for the

door. "In the meantime, let's go see Bunny before

she explodes."

I hesitated a moment longer, then followed him

out of the stables.

Chapter Two:

"It's good to see you, too."

H. LJVINGSTON, M.D.

As AAHZ HAD predicted, my three bodyguards were

waiting for me outside the stables. They seemed

to be arguing about something, but broke off their

discussion and started looking vigilant as soon as

I appeared.

Now, you may think it would be kind of fun to

have your own bodyguards. If so, you've never

actually had one.

What it really means is that you give up any

notion that your life is your own. Privacy be-

comes a vague memory you have to work at

recalling, as "sharing" becomes the norm . . .

starting with the food on your plate and ending

with going to the John. ("Geez, Boss! You know

how many guys got whacked because someone

was hiding in the can? Just pretend we ain't

here.") Then, too, there's the constant, disquiet-

Robert Asprin

ing reminder that, however swell a fellow you

may think you are, there are people out there

waiting for a chance to bring your career to a

premature conclusion. I had to keep telling my-

self that this latter point didn't apply to me, that

Don Bruce had insisted on assigning me Guido

and Nunzio more as status symbols than any-

thing else. I had hired Pookie on my own, though,

after getting jumped during my recent trip to

Perv, so I couldn't entirely discount the fact that

bodyguards were occasionally necessary and not

just an inconvenient decoration.

"Got a minute, Skeeve?" Pookie said, stepping

forward.

"Well, I was on my way to say hello to

Bunny ..."

"Fine. We can talk as we walk."

She fell in step beside me, and Aahz graciously

fell back to walk with my other two bodyguards.

"What it is," Pookie said, without preamble,

"is I'm thinking of cashing in and heading back to

Perv."

"Really? Why."

She gave a small shrug.

"I can't see as how I'm really needed," she said.

"When I suggested I tag along, we thought you

were coming back to a small war. The way I see it

now, it seems like the crew you've already got can

handle things."

As she spoke, I snuck a glance back at Guido.

He was trudging along, his posture notably more

hangdog than usual. It was clear both that he was

infatuated with Pookie, and that he wasn't wild

about the idea of her moving on.

SWEET MYTH-TERY OF LIFE

"Umm . . . Actually, I'd prefer it if you stuck

around for a while, Pookie," I said. "At least, until

I've made up my mind what to do about this

situation with Queen Hemlock. She's been known

to be a bit nasty when things don't go her way."

"Suit yourself," Pookie said, giving another

shrug. "I just wanted to give you an easy out if

you were looking to trim the budget."

I gave a smile at that.

"Just because we're going to be working on the

kingdom's finances doesn't mean there's anything

wrong with our treasury. You should know your

cousin well enough to have faith in his money

managing."

"I know Aahz, all right," she "said, shooting a

dark look at that individual, "enough to know

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ÿþIChapterOne:"Isitjustme,ordoesitseemtoyou/getmorethanmyshareoftroubles?"JOB"...ANDso,TOrecap,thesituationisthis..."Itickedthepointsoffonmyfingers,givingmyaudienceavisualimagetoreinforcemywords."First,QueenHemlockwantsmetobeherconsort.Second,she'sgivenmeamonthtothinkitoverbeforeIreachmydecision.Thi...

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Robert Asprin - Myth 10 - Sweet Myth-tery of Life

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