I see the old Frenchman who has come here for decades merely to look at the bare
legs and arms of the young, to feed on the gestures as if he were a vampire, to
wait for some exotic jewel of a moment when a woman sits back laughing,
cigarette in hand, and the doth of her synthetic blouse becomes tight over her
breasts and there the nipples are visible.
Ah, old man. He is gray-haired and wears an expensive coat. He is no menace to
anyone. He lives entirely in vision. Tonight he will go back to a modest but
elegant apartment which he has maintained since the last Great World War, and he
will watch films of the young beauty Brigitte Bardot. He lives in his eyes. He
has not touched a woman in ten years.
I don’t drift, David. I drop anchor here. For I will not have my story pour
forth as from a drunken oracle.
I see these mortals in a more attentive light. They are so fresh, so exotic and
yet so luscious to me, these mortals; they look like tropical birds must have
looked when I was a child; so full of fluttering, rebellious life, I wanted to
clutch them to have it, to make their wings flap in my hands, to capture flight
and own it and partake of it. Ah, that terrible moment in childhood when one
accidentally crushes the life from a bright-red bird.
Yet they are sinister in their darker vestments, some of these mortals: the
inevitable cocaine dealer – and they are everywhere, our finest prey – who waits
for his contact in the far corner, his long leather coat styled by a noted
Italian designer, his hair shaved dose on the side and left bushy on the top to
make him look distinctive, which it does, though there is no need when one
considers his huge black eyes, and the hardness of what nature intended to be a
generous mouth. He makes those quick impatient gestures with his cigarette
lighter on the small marble table, the mark of the addicted; he twists, he
turns, he cannot be comfortable. He doesn’t know that he will never be
comfortable in life again. He wants to leave to snort the cocaine for which he
burns and yet he must wait for the contact. His shoes are too shiny, and his
long thin hands will never grow old.
I think he will die tonight, this man. I feel a slow gathering desire to kill
him myself. He has fed so much poison to so many. Tracking him, wrapping him in
my arms, I would not even have to wreathe him with visions. I would let him know
that death has come in the form of a woman too white to be human, too smoothed
by the centuries to be anything but a statue come to life. But those for whom he
waits plot to kill him. And why should I intervene?
What do I look like to these people? A woman with long wavy dean brown hair that
covers me much like a nun’s mantle, a face so white it appears cosmetically
created, and eyes, abnormally brilliant, even from behind golden glasses.
Ah, we have a lot to be grateful for in the many styles of eyeglasses in this
age – for if I were to take these off, I should have to keep my head bowed, not
to startle people with the mere play of yellow and brown and gold in my eyes,
that have grown ever more jewel-like over the centuries, so that I seem a blind
woman set with topaz for her pupils, or rather carefully formed orbs of topaz,
sapphire, even aquamarine.
Look, I have filled so many pages, and all I am saying is Yes, I will tell you
how it began for me.
Yes, I will tell you the story of my mortal life in ancient Rome, how I came to
love Marius and how we came to be together and then to part.
What a transformation in me, this resolution.
How powerful I feel as I hold this pen, and how eager to put us in sharp and
dear perspective before I begin fulfilling your request.
This is Paris, in a time of peace. There is rain. High regal gray buildings with
their double windows and iron balconies line this boulevard. Loud, tiny,
dangerous automobiles race in the streets. Cafes, such as this, are overflowing
with international tourists. Ancient churches are crowded here by tenements,
palaces turned to museums, in whose rooms I linger for hours gazing at objects