Alice Hoffman - The Ice Queen

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The Ice Queen

THE ICE QUEEN

ALSO BY ALICE HOFFMAN

Blackbird House The Probable Future Blue Diary The River King Local Girls Here on Earth Practical

Magic Second Nature Turtle Moon Seventh Heaven At Risk Illumination Night Fortune’s Daughter

White Horses Angel Landing The Drowning Season Property Of

For Children

Moondog

(with Wolfe Martin)

Green Angel Indigo Aquamarine Horse Fire

or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information

storage and retrieval systems, without permission in

writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer

who may quote brief passages in a review.

Little, Brown and Company

Time Warner Book Group

1271 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020

Visit our Web site at www.twbookmark.com

First eBook Edition: April 2005

The characters and events in this book are .

Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental

and not intended by the author.

ISBN: 0-7595-1349-X

THE ICE QUEEN

CHAPTER ONE

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Snow

Be careful what you wish for. I know that for a fact. Wishes are brutal, unforgiving things. They burn

your tongue the moment they’re spoken and you can never take them back. They bruise and bake and

come back to haunt you. I’ve made far too many wishes in my lifetime, the when I was eight years old.

Not the sort of wish for ice cream or a party dress or long blond hair; no. The other sort, the kind that

rattles your bones, then sits in the back

of your throat, a greedy red toad that chokes you until you say it aloud. The kind that could change your

life in an instant, before you have time to wish you could take it back.

I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, but don’t all stories begin this way? The stranger who comes

to town and wreaks havoc. The man who stumbles off a cliff on his wedding day. The woman who goes

to look out the window when a bullet, or a piece of glass, or a blue-white icicle pierces her breast. I was

the child who stomped her feet and made a single wish and in so doing ended the whole world — my

world, at any rate. The only thing that mattered. Of course I was self-centered, but don’t most eight-year-

old girls think they’re the queen of the universe? Don’t they command the stars and seas? Don’t they

control the weather? When I closed my eyes to sleep at night, I imagined the rest of the world stopped as

well. What I wanted, I thought I should get. What I wished for, I deserved.

I made my wish in January, the season of ice, when our house was cold and the oil bill went unpaid. It

happened on the sixteenth, my mother’s birthday. We had no father, my brother and I. Our father had

run off, leaving Ned and me our dark eyes and nothing more. We depended on our mother. I especially

didn’t expect her to have a life of her own. I pouted when anything took her away: the bills that needed

paying, the jobs that came and went, the dishes that needed washing, the piles of laundry. Endless,

endless. Never ever done. That night my mother was going out with her two best friends to celebrate her

birthday. I didn’t like it one bit. It sounded like fun. She was off to the Bluebird Diner, a run-down place

famous for its roast beef sandwiches and French fries with gravy. It was only a few hours

on her own. It was just a tiny celebration.

I didn’t care.

Maybe my father had been self-centered; maybe I’d inherited that from him along with the color of my

eyes. I wanted my mother to stay home and braid my hair, which I wore long, to my waist. Loose, my

hair knotted when I slept, and I worried; my brother had told me that bats lived in our roof. I was afraid

they would ?y into my room at night and make a nest in my head. I didn’t want to stay home with my

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brother, who paid no attention to me and was interested more in science than in human beings. We

argued over everything, including the last cookie in the jar, which we often grabbed at the same time.

Let go! You ! Whatever we held often broke in our grasp. Ned had no time for a little sister’s whims; he

had to be bribed into reading to me. I’ll do your chores. I’ll give you my lunch money. Just read.

My mother didn’t listen to my complaints. She was preoccupied. She was in a rush. She put on her

raincoat and a blue scarf. Her hair was pale. She’d cut it herself, straining to see the back of her head in

the mirror. She couldn’t afford a real haircut at a salon; still she was pretty. We didn’t talk about being

poor; we never discussed what we didn’t have. We ate macaroni three times a week and wore heavy

sweaters to bed; we made do. Did I realize that night was my mother’s thirtieth birthday, that she was

young and beautiful and happy for once? To me, she was my mother. Nothing less or more. Nothing that

didn’t include me.

When she went to leave, I ran after her. I was barefoot on the porch and my feet stung. The rain had

frozen and was hitting against the corrugated green roof. It sounded like a gun. Ice had slipped onto the ?

oorboards and turned the wood to glass. I begged my mother not to go. Queen of the universe. The girl

who thought of no one but herself. Now I know the most desperate arguments are always over foolish

things. The moment that changes the path of a life is the one that’s invisible, that dissolves like sugar in

water. But tell that to an eight-year-old girl. Tell it to anyone; see who believes you.

When my mother said that Betsy and Amanda were waiting for her and that she was already late, I made

my wish. Right away, I could feel it burning. I could taste the bitterness of it; still I went ahead. I wished

I would never see her again. I told her straight to her face. I wished she would disappear right there, right

then.

My mother laughed and kissed me good-bye. Her kiss was clear and cold. Her complexion was pale, like

snow. She whispered something to me, but I didn’t listen. I wanted what I wanted. I didn’t think beyond

my own needs.

My mother had to start the car several times before the engine caught. There was smoke in the air. The

roof of the patio vibrated along with the sputtering engine of the car. I could feel the sourness inside me.

And here was the odd thing about making that wish, the one that made her disappear: it hurt.

inside, idiot,” my brother called to me. only thing you’ll accomplish out there is freezing your ass off.”

Ned was logical; he was four years older, an expert on constellations, red ants, bats, invertebrates. He

had often told me that feelings were a waste of time. I didn’t like to listen to Ned, even when he was

right, so on that night I didn’t answer. He shouted out a promise to read to me, even if it had to be fairy

tales, stories he held in contempt. Irrational, impossible, illogical things. Even that wasn’t enough for me

to end my vigil. I couldn’t stop looking at the empty street. Soon enough my brother gave up on me.

Didn’t everyone? My feet had turned blue and they ached, but I stood out there on the porch for quite a

while. Until my tongue stopped burning. When I ?nally went inside, I looked out the window, and even

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Ned came to see, but there was nothing out there. Only the snow.

My mother had her accident on the service road

leading to the Interstate. The police report blamed icy road conditions and bald tires that should have

been replaced. But we were poor, did I tell you that? We couldn’t afford new tires. My mother was half

an hour late for her birthday dinner, then an hour; then her friend Betsy called the police. The next

morning when our grandmother came to tell us the news, I braided my own hair for the ?rst time, then

cut it off with a pair of gardening shears. I left it behind for the bats. I didn’t care. I’d started to wonder

if my brother had been right all along. Don’t feel anything. Don’t even try.

After the funeral, Ned and I moved into our grand-mother’s house. We had to leave some of our things

behind: my brother his colony of ants, and I left all my toys. I was too old for them now. My

grandmother called what I’d done to my hair a pixie cut, but could she give a name to what I’d done to

my mother? I knew, but I wasn’t saying. My grandmother was too kind a person to know who was living

under her roof. I’d destroyed my mother with words, so words became my enemy. I quickly learned to

keep my mouth shut.

At night I told myself a story, wordless, inside my head, one I liked far better than those in my books.

The girl in my story was treated cruelly, by fate, by her family, even by the weather. Her feet bled from

the stony paths; her hair was plucked from her head by blackbirds. She went from house to house,

looking for refuge. Not a single neighbor answered his door, and so one day the girl gave up speaking.

She lived on the side of a mountain where every day was snowy. She stood outside without a roof,

without shelter; before long she was made of ice — her ?esh, her bones, her blood. She looked like a

diamond; it was possible to spy her from miles away. She was so beautiful now that everyone wanted

her: people came to talk to her, but she wouldn’t answer. Birds lit on her shoulder; she didn’t bother to

chase them away. She didn’t have to. If they took a single peck, their beaks would break in two. Nothing

could hurt her anymore. After a while, she became invisible, queen of the ice. Silence was her language,

and her heart had turned a perfect pale silver color. It was so hard nothing could shatter it. Not even

stones.

impossible,” my brother said the one time I dared to tell him the story. such low temperatures, her heart

would actually freeze and then burst. She’d wind up melting herself with her own blood.”

I didn’t discuss such things with him again.

I knew what my role was in the world. I was the quiet girl at school, the best friend, the one who came in

second place. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself. I didn’t want to win anything. There were words

I couldn’t bring myself to say; words like ruin and love and lost made me sick to my stomach. In the

end, I gave them up altogether. But I was a good grandchild, quick to tasks, my grandmother’s favorite.

The more tasks, the less time to think. I swept, I did laundry, I stayed up late ?nishing my homework. By

the time I was in high school, I was everyone’s con; I knew how to listen. I was there for my friends, a

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tower of strength, ever helpful, especially when it came to their boyfriends, several of whom slept with

me in senior year, grateful for my advice with their love lives, happy to go to bed with a girl who asked

for nothing in return.

My brother went to Harvard, then to Cornell for his graduate degree; he became a meteorologist, a

perfect choice for someone who wanted to impose logic onto an imperfect world. He was offered a

position at Orlon University, in Florida, and before long he was a full professor, married to a

mathematician, Nina, whom he idolized for her rational thought and beautiful complexion. As for me, I

looked for a career where silence would be an asset. I went to the state university a few towns over, then

to City College for a master’s in library science. My brother found it especially amusing that my work

was considered a science, but I took it quite seriously. I was assigned to the reference desk, still giving

advice, as I had in high school, still the one to turn to for information. I was well liked at the library, the

reliable employee who collected money for wedding presents and organized baby showers. When a co-

worker moved to Hawaii I was persuaded to adopt her cat, Giselle, even though I was allergic.

But there was another, hidden side to me. My realest self. The one who remembered how the ice fell

down, piece by bitter piece. The one who dreamed of cold, silver hearts. A devotee of death. I had

become something of an expert on the many ways to die, and like any expert I had my favorites: bee

stings, poisoned punch, electric shock. There were whole categories I couldn’t get enough of: death by

misadventure or by design, death pacts, death to avoid the future, death to circumvent the past. I doubted

whether anyone else in the library was aware that rigor mortis set in within four hours. If they knew that

when heated, arsenic had a garlic-like odor. The police captain in town, Jack Lyons, who’d been in my

brother’s class in high school, often called for information regarding poison, suicide, infectious diseases.

He trusted me, too.

Once I began researching death, I couldn’t stop. It was my calling; I suppose it was a passion. I ordered

medical texts, entomology books, the Merck manual of pharmaceuticals so as to be well versed in toxic

side effects when Jack Lyons called. My favorite reference book was A Hundred Ways to Die, a guide

for the terminally ill, those who might be in dire need of methods and procedures for their own demise.

Still, I always asked Jack if he hadn’t someone more quali than I to do his research, but he said, know

I’ll just get the facts from you. No interpretations.”

In that regard, he was wrong. I was quiet, but I had my opinions: when asked to recommend which fairy

tales were best for an eight-year-old, for instance, Andersen’s or Grimm’s, I always chose Grimm’s.

Bones tied in silken cloth laid to rest under a juniper tree, boys who were foolish and brave enough to

play cards with Death, wicked sisters whose own wickedness led them to hang themselves or jump head?

rst into wells. On several occasions there had been complaints to the head librarian when irate mothers

or teachers had inadvertently scared the daylights out of a child on my recommendation. All the same, I

stood my ground. Andersen’s world was with virtuous, respectable characters. I preferred tales in which

sel girls who lost their way needed to hack through brambles in order to reach home, and thoughtless,

heedless brothers were turned into donkeys and swans, itching like mad under their skin, blood shining

from beneath their feathers. I didn’t believe that people got what they deserved. I didn’t believe in a

rational, benevolent world that could be ordered to suit us, an existence presumed to snugly into an

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invented logic. I had no faith in pie charts or diagrams of humanity wherein the wicked were divided

from the good and the forever after was in direct opposition to the here and now.

When I walked home from the library on windy nights, with the leaves swirling, and all of New Jersey

dark and quiet, I wouldn’t have been surprised to ?nd a man with one wing sitting on the front steps of

Town Hall, or to come upon a starving wolf on the corner of Fifth Street and Main. I knew the power of

a single wish, after all. Invisible and inevitable in its effect, like a butter?y that beats its wings in one

corner of the globe and with that single action changes the weather halfway across the world. Chaos

theory, my brother had informed me, was based on the mathematical theorem that suggests that the

tiniest change affects everything, no matter how distant, including the weather. My brother could call it

whatever he wanted to; it was just fate to me.

Before I knew it thirteen years had passed at the library, and then . I still wore my hair the same way —

the haircut I’d given myself at the age of eight had become my trademark. People expected certain

things of me: assistance, silence, comfort. They had no idea who I was. I dated Jack Lyons for some of

that time, if you could call it that. He’d phone me for information, and later that same evening he’d be

waiting for me in the parking lot. We’d do it in his car. The sex was hurried and panicked and crazy, but

we did it anyway. We took chances. Times when patrons would be arriving, days when there was so

much snow, drifts three feet high built up around the car. Maybe I wanted to get caught, but we never

did. We were alone in the world. Jack knew I didn’t like to speak; true enough, but it was my own words

I mistrusted. No one else’s. He could say whatever he liked. He could even blurt out that he loved me, as

long as he didn’t mean it. That was the important thing. The girl encased in ice facing the mountain. The

cold silence that was so clean it didn’t hurt. For me, there was nothing beyond those mountains. Nothing

worth going toward.

Jack always let me walk home alone and he never tried to follow me. I thought he knew me better than

most. I thought he understood I didn’t deserve kindness, or loyalty, or luck. Then one night Jack brought

me ?owers, a handful of fading daisies he’d picked up at a farm stand, but all the same. That was the

end; that was how he ruined everything. The minute Jack acted as though we were anything more than

two strangers who had a shared interest in death and sex, it was over. As soon as there was the

possibility he might actually care for me, I stopped seeing him.

Without Jack, my life was completely uneventful. When the time came, it made sense for me to be the

one to tend to my grandmother as she was dying. My brother was busy with his own life in Florida and I

had no life at all, only the library, only walking home by myself at night. It was my duty, after all, and

my responsibility. My grandmother loved me, truly and deeply, even though the only thing I had given

her in return for her affection was chicken soup, toast with butter, pot after pot of English breakfast tea

with honey and lemon, and an endless supply of library books. Our house was littered with books — in

the kitchen, under the beds, stuck between the couch pillows — far too many for her to ever . I suppose I

thought if my grandmother kept up her interests, she wouldn’t die; she’d have to stay around to the

books she was so fond of. I’ve got to get to the bottom of this one, she’d say, as if a book were no

different from a pond or a lake. I thought she’d go on reading forever, but it didn’t work out that way.

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should be enjoying your life,” my grandmother said to me one night while I was helping her with her

nightly cup of tea. Even drinking tea was dif?cult for her. She took little sips, like a bird. I had to hold

her head up; she smelled like lemon and dust. I felt like crying, even though that was impossible for me.

Crying wasn’t like riding a bicycle; give it up and you quickly forget how it’s done. Look in the mirror

and make faces, cut up onions, watch sorrowful movies. None of that can bring back tears.

That night my grandmother’s sudden advice took me completely by surprise. I’d assumed that she of all

people understood I’d been ruined long ago. I didn’t deserve to be happy. Didn’t my dear grandmother

understand that? I had already passed the age my mother had been on that icy night when she drove off

to meet her friends. Who was I to enjoy anything?

’re always so negative,” my grandmother said.

got all the positive genes.” Amazing, considering her condition, considering the condition of the world.

Toward the end of her illness, even my grandmother had to face sorrow. She cried in her sleep. I

couldn’t stand to hear her suffering. I left the cat I’d adopted to keep watch over her, curled up on the

hospital bed I’d rented, and I went to stand outside, where I could breathe in the brackish air. It was

spring and there was pine pollen everywhere; things had turned a sulfury yellow. That night I wished

that my whole life had been different and that I could start all over again, in Paris or London, in Italy,

even across the river in New York City, where I’d gone to school. I was still young. I wished I could

shed my skin, walk away, never look back. But starting a new life was not my expertise. Death was my

talent; before I could stop myself, I wished my grand-mother’s pain would end. I wished that this world

would no longer have a hold on her.

She died that night while I was sleeping on the couch. The cat was beside her, and when I heard Giselle

mewling, I knew what had happened. My brother didn’t come up to New Jersey until several days after

our grandmother’s passing; the funeral had to wait because it was exam week at Orlon University. Ned

realized what was happening to me as soon as he walked in the house. I was like a bird that had been let

out of its cage only to ?nd it could go no farther than the windowsill. All those years of planning my

escape from New Jersey, and now I couldn’t even leave the living room. I’d pretty much stopped eating,

aside from corn?akes and milk, which was the only thing I could keep down. I hadn’t showered and I

gave off a faint odor of mildew, the scent of the ruined and the lost. I had called in to the library to let

them know I wouldn’t be coming back. The reference desk was too much for me. Everything was. Jack

sent me a sympathy note on police stationery; he wrote that he missed me, more than he’d ever expected

to, and was hopeful I would soon return to my desk. But that wasn’t about to happen. I could barely a

reason to get dressed, let alone meaningless research questions or have sex with someone I didn’t care

about in the backseat of his car. Sometimes I simply stayed in my bathrobe. I had lost the will to wash

my face, to look in the mirror, to step outside, to breathe the air.

My brother and I hadn’t had a real conversation in years. Too busy, lives too far apart. But after the

funeral he sat beside me on the couch. He was allergic to cats, just as I was, and his eyes had already

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begun to water because of Giselle.

is not going to do you any good,” Ned told me. can’t stay here.”

Logical still, as if it mattered. Logical then, as well. I thought of the morning of my mother’s death;

before my grandmother had arrived, I’d wandered out in my pajamas and saw him in the kitchen. I think

he might have been cleaning up. He was orderly even then. It’s too early, Ned had told me. Go back to

bed. I did exactly that. Two days later we’d sat together, side by side on folding chairs at my mother’s

funeral, held at the gravesite. A few of my mother’s friends were there, all in black dresses. Ned wore a

black suit, borrowed probably. I’d never seen it before. I had a navy blue dress with a lace collar that I’d

snipped off with the same shears I’d used to cut my hair. There was a plain pine cof, closed. Still, I’d

read enough fairy tales to know the dead were not necessarily gone. Our mother might have been asleep,

under a spell, ready to rap on the cof?n from within and beg, Let me out!

It could happen at any time. The sky was gray; there was ice on the ground. And then I saw that Ned

was crying. He was quiet about it. He didn’t make a sound. I don’t think I’d ever seen him do that

before, so I quickly looked away. And then the cof looked different. Shut tight. Over and done.

At my grandmother’s service, Ned and I were the only mourners. Same kind of plain pine box, same

graveyard. We had never gotten around to putting a marker on my mother’s grave, and I was glad of

this. I didn’t want to know exactly where she’d been buried. Maybe she hadn’t been buried at all. Maybe

I’d been wrong and she had indeed open the wooden box to run through the dark and the cold the

moment we’d left the gravesite. I looked for footprints, though it had been more than twenty years. Only

the scratch scratch of birds. And something else — the tracks of a fox.

Ned had not only handled my grandmother’s affairs, he’d already done the research needed to set my

life in order as well. He had found me a job, at the public library in Orlon, and a cottage to rent only a

few blocks from the university campus. We debated the merits of a move. Statistically, the odds weren’t

on Ned’s side. Had money been involved, I would

have bet my future consisted of twenty more years in my grandmother’s house, wearing my bathrobe.

But my brother was a worthy opponent, methodical if nothing else, and a challenge never deterred him,

even if that challenge was me.

While I was moping about and eating corn?akes, Ned packed up the house, called the real estate agent,

had new tires put on my car. And so it was. I was leaving New Jersey. My colleagues wanted to give me

a going-away party at the library, but without me, there was no one to organize it. I took the cat with me.

I had no choice. Giselle jumped in the car and made herself comfortable on my brother’s jacket,

ensuring that Ned would sneeze all the way down to Florida.

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It was an unseasonably hot day when we left. The air was sulfur-colored, gray around the edges, and the

humidity was at 98 percent.

will get you used to Florida.” Ned was oddly joyful.

There was sheet lightning ahead of us on the New Jersey Turnpike, the silent sort that is so vivid it can

light up the whole sky. My brother was delighted by the weather; his department was currently involved

in a lightning study and he was one of the project advisers.

thunderstorms, the earth would lose its electrical charge in less than an hour,” Ned told me.

He kept notes on the storm as I drove. I was used to being alone, accustomed to talking to myself;

without thinking, I made another wish aloud, despite how it burned. I wished lightning would strike me.

hell you do,” my brother said. One of the tasks of the meteorology department at Orlon was to work with

team of physicians and biologists, addressing neurological injuries found in lightning-strike victims.

have no idea of the damage that can be done. None whatsoever.”

But it didn’t really matter. I had made another death wish, and I could tell what was to come from the

bitter taste in my mouth.

It was too late to take it back.

The cat wasn’t at all happy with the move. I

couldn’t blame her. Orlon was hardly a paradise. Cats, after all, are creatures of habit, said to become

more attached to a place than to a person. This was certainly true of my alleged pet, who had never

seemed to miss the original owner from whom I’d inherited her. Not for a moment had she sat by a

window, waiting to be rescued. Why, she didn’t even seem to recognize the existence of human beings.

My prize. My pet.

Giselle, I’d call when she was out in the garden, but she’d only ignore me and her tail, as though I were

another ?y, one of the thousands that seemed to be breeding in Orlon. Even my own cat disliked me.

What had I expected? Life was no better here in Orlon, despite what my brother had promised, only

hotter, buggier, far more humid than New Jersey at its worst. The library where I found myself

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employed was underfunded: there was one other librarian, Frances York, who had worked at the same

post for forty

years and whose eyesight was now failing — hence my job. Untrustworthy as I might be, I was to be her

eyes.

This is what I saw: Most of the shelves were empty. Budget cuts. Public’s lack of interest. I had more

books packed in cartons and left in storage in New Jersey than the Orlon Public Library had in its

entirety. There were no computers available to the patrons, only one ancient word processor at the desk,

and an old-fashioned card catalog was still in use. As for the reference department, there didn’t seem to

be one. After several weeks at work, there’d been only three calls of any kind: two concerning the

proper use of fertilizer, and a third from a second-grader wanting to know what medical school Dr.

Seuss had gone to. Maybe I should have lied to my young caller, but it wasn’t in my nature to do so.

When I told her that her favorite author wasn’t a doctor, that in fact his last name wasn’t even Seuss, she

hung up on me. I suppose no one had told her before that she mustn’t trust words, not even the ones in

books.

Because we were a college town, the students at Orlon had their own high-tech facility, so our little

building was all but invisible to them. And as our budget didn’t allow the purchase of any new editions,

even the local folks stayed away. The only weekly activity was the nursery-school reading club, but that

group was nearly disbanded after I read Goose Girl,” a tale in which a truth-teller, a beloved, loyal horse

named Falada, continues to speak long after his severed head is mounted on the wall. Frances took back

the position of reader, even though she was nearly blind and had to hold a book right up to her face to

make out the story.

Frances was polite about my removal, and I understood. Death was my talent, not lively toddlers. I

gratefully relinquished the nursery group, happy enough to avoid the rush of noisy little creatures on

Thursday afternoons.

During my hours at the library I found myself longing for questions about death. New Jersey had begun

to seem like a dream rather than a nightmare. I stared at the phone, missing Jack Lyons and his calls; our

longest, most intimate conversations had been about diseases that were spread by mosquitoes, especially

West Nile virus. As for my brother, he and Nina were busy with their work at the university; after they’d

helped me set up the house — which my brother had failed to mention was not air-conditioned, there

was only a ceiling fan — I rarely saw Ned and his wife. I hadn’t expected more, and why should I have?

They had their own lives, after all.

In the evenings, I listened to the radio and busied myself with killing , using a I’d bought at Acres’

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TheIceQueenTHEICEQUEENALSOBYALICEHOFFMANBlackbirdHouseTheProbableFutureBlueDiaryTheRiverKingLocalGirlsHereonEarthPracticalMagicSecondNatureTurtleMoonSeventhHeavenAtRiskIlluminationNigh Fortune’sDaughterWhiteHorsesAngelLandingTheDrowningSeasonPropertyOfForChildrenMoondog(withWolfeMartin)GreenAngelI...

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Alice Hoffman - The Ice Queen

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