tower of strength, ever helpful, especially when it came to their boyfriends, several of whom slept with
me in senior year, grateful for my advice with their love lives, happy to go to bed with a girl who asked
for nothing in return.
My brother went to Harvard, then to Cornell for his graduate degree; he became a meteorologist, a
perfect choice for someone who wanted to impose logic onto an imperfect world. He was offered a
position at Orlon University, in Florida, and before long he was a full professor, married to a
mathematician, Nina, whom he idolized for her rational thought and beautiful complexion. As for me, I
looked for a career where silence would be an asset. I went to the state university a few towns over, then
to City College for a master’s in library science. My brother found it especially amusing that my work
was considered a science, but I took it quite seriously. I was assigned to the reference desk, still giving
advice, as I had in high school, still the one to turn to for information. I was well liked at the library, the
reliable employee who collected money for wedding presents and organized baby showers. When a co-
worker moved to Hawaii I was persuaded to adopt her cat, Giselle, even though I was allergic.
But there was another, hidden side to me. My realest self. The one who remembered how the ice fell
down, piece by bitter piece. The one who dreamed of cold, silver hearts. A devotee of death. I had
become something of an expert on the many ways to die, and like any expert I had my favorites: bee
stings, poisoned punch, electric shock. There were whole categories I couldn’t get enough of: death by
misadventure or by design, death pacts, death to avoid the future, death to circumvent the past. I doubted
whether anyone else in the library was aware that rigor mortis set in within four hours. If they knew that
when heated, arsenic had a garlic-like odor. The police captain in town, Jack Lyons, who’d been in my
brother’s class in high school, often called for information regarding poison, suicide, infectious diseases.
He trusted me, too.
Once I began researching death, I couldn’t stop. It was my calling; I suppose it was a passion. I ordered
medical texts, entomology books, the Merck manual of pharmaceuticals so as to be well versed in toxic
side effects when Jack Lyons called. My favorite reference book was A Hundred Ways to Die, a guide
for the terminally ill, those who might be in dire need of methods and procedures for their own demise.
Still, I always asked Jack if he hadn’t someone more quali than I to do his research, but he said, know
I’ll just get the facts from you. No interpretations.”
In that regard, he was wrong. I was quiet, but I had my opinions: when asked to recommend which fairy
tales were best for an eight-year-old, for instance, Andersen’s or Grimm’s, I always chose Grimm’s.
Bones tied in silken cloth laid to rest under a juniper tree, boys who were foolish and brave enough to
play cards with Death, wicked sisters whose own wickedness led them to hang themselves or jump head?
rst into wells. On several occasions there had been complaints to the head librarian when irate mothers
or teachers had inadvertently scared the daylights out of a child on my recommendation. All the same, I
stood my ground. Andersen’s world was with virtuous, respectable characters. I preferred tales in which
sel girls who lost their way needed to hack through brambles in order to reach home, and thoughtless,
heedless brothers were turned into donkeys and swans, itching like mad under their skin, blood shining
from beneath their feathers. I didn’t believe that people got what they deserved. I didn’t believe in a
rational, benevolent world that could be ordered to suit us, an existence presumed to snugly into an
file:///K|/eMule/Incoming/Alice%20Hoffman%20-%20The%20Ice%20Queen.html (5 of 128)6-8-2007 23:55:07