Bruce Coville - 6th Grade Alien 04 - Peanut Butter Lover Boy
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2024-12-24
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PEANUT BUTTER
LOVER BOY
Illustrated by Tony Sansevero
A
Minstrel®
BOOK
Published by POCKET BOOKS
New YorkLondonTorontoSydney Singapore
A Letter Home
(Translation)
FROM: Pleskit Meenom, on the emotionally dangerous Planet Earth
TO: Maktel Geebrit, on the relatively sane Planet Hevi-Hevi
Dear Maktel:
Sixth grade is beginning to wear me down. Not only do I have homework and social problems, I have
the issue of being the only kid from another planet in my classroom. (Actually, the only kid from another
planeton the planet, at least, as far as we know. Not to mention the only kid who is
bald, purple,and has asphen-gnut-ksher growing out of the top of his head.)
With all that, I was afraid I might not have time to tell you about my latest . . . experience. But it turns out
there is an author right here in Syracuse who is interested in writing my stories down for me. He told me
he has been making up stories about aliens for years, and that he would love to write about a real one for
a change. So Tim and I told him everything that happened as a result of the peanut-butter disaster and let
him take it from there.
Believe me, it was a lot easier that way.
I'm sending along a copy of what he wrote.
Since the story is kind of embarrassing, I'm just as glad I didn't have to write it myself.
The biggest surprise was that the Fatherly One was in favor of this book idea. He was so upset with the
news stories being written about us that I didn't think he would approve it. But he decided it might be
good publicity for our mission. This is something we need, because the missionis in trouble. The
suspicions you shared with me in your last letter are correct; someoneis trying to
sabotage the Fatherly One's work. Or maybe many some-ones. Anyway, we need to
get out all the positive images we can. The Earthlings do not yetrealize what hangs in
the balance for them,and we are hoping that the books will help them feel more
comfortable with us.
Please do not laugh too much when you read about what happened to me. It may seem amusing to you,
but it was very painful to live through.
I hope, hope, hope that it works out for you to visit soon. Until then . . .Fremmix Blee-blom!
Your pal,
Pleskit
PEANUT BUTTER
LOVER BOY
CHAPTER
1
Food Swap
Tim Tompkins stared at his lunch. Peanut butter. Again. He liked peanut butter, but this was getting
ridiculous.
"Hey, Pleskit," he said. "What have you got?"
Pleskit Meenom, childling of Meenom Ventrah, ambassador from the planet Hevi-Hevi, looked up.
"Squambul. Again! I likesquambul, but this is getting ridiculous."
Tim thought for a moment. He had already had one bad experience with alien food. On the other hand,
hewas interested in all things alien. And he was truly, deeply tired of peanut butter.
"Wanna swap?" he asked, holding out his sandwich.
Pleskit looked at thesquambul pod in his hand. He looked at Tim's sandwich. A fruity
smell drifted out from hissphen-gnut-ksher. "Sounds like a good idea to me!"
He glanced over at his bodyguard, Robert Mc-Nally, who was leaning against the wall about ten feet
away. The tall black man was looking in their direction. But since, as usual, he was wearing sunglasses,
Pleskit couldn't tell if he approved of the swap or not.
Pleskit passed hissquambul pod to Tim.
Tim passed his sandwich to Pleskit.
The purple boy sniffed at the bread and peanut butter combination. "The aroma is strange, yet enticing,"
he said after a moment.
"I can't say the same for this," coughed Tim, setting thesquambul pod on the table.
''You haven't even opened it yet," said Pleskit. "You have to squash it to get the full effect."
"I'm not sure I want the full effect," said Tim, remembering the hilarious photograph of Jordan Lynch's
face the first time he had smelledsquambul that had showed up inThe National News a week
earlier. "Maybe we should swap back."
Pleskit's eyes widened. A smell like burning hair burst from hissphen-gnut-ksher. "Please say that
you are joking!" he cried, his voice desperate.
"Hey, settle down," said Tim. "It's only lunch. Come on, let's swap back."
Very slowly Pleskit put down the peanut butter sandwich. Placing both hands flat on the table, one on
either side of the sandwich, he looked straight into Tim's eyes. "I am asking one more time," he said, his
voice deadly serious and tinged with something that sounded like anger. "Are you joking, or do you really
mean it?"
Tim blinked. "Uh ... I guess I was joking." He reached forward and retrieved thesquambul pod,
astonished by his friend's unusual behavior.
Pleskit let out a heavy breath. His face relaxed into its usual cheerful look. "That's a relief," he said. Then
he took a big bite of the sandwich. "Oh, this is good!" he cried excitedly. "Very good!"
Tim looked down at thesquambul pod and wished he had his sandwich back.Oh, well, he
told himself.If I'm going to be an interstellar explorer, I might as well get used to this stuff. He
squashed the pod between his palms. The sharp odor attacked his nose and made
his eyes water.
"Lick it fast, while it's still fresh," said Pleskit. "That's when it's best."
Looking at his palm warily, Tim began to lick at the green and purple mess, just as he had seen his friend
do on other days. "Hey, this isn't bad!" he said in surprise. "Tastes kind of like chicken."
Later that afternoon, when they were outside for recess, Tim said to Pleskit, "So what was that thing at
lunch all about?"
"You mean my distress at your violation of the basic social code?" asked Pleskit.
"I suppose so. I never saw anyone get so bent out of shape about someone wanting to do a
trade-back."
"Bent out of shape?" asked Pleskit nervously. He reached up to make sure hissphen-gnut-ksher was
not somehow disfigured.
"Upset,"Tim clarified, ducking as a soccer ball went flying past his head. "You were upset. Why?"
Pleskit replied with a question of his own. "What is the Fatherly One's mission all about, Tim?"
Tim blinked, then said uncertainly, "Uh ... to establish diplomatic relations, connect Earth to the galaxy,
and bring us the benefits of your advanced technology?"
"And why would we want to do that?" persisted Pleskit.
"Because you are a wise and benevolent superior race?"
"So benevolent we have crossed trillions of miles of space just to do you a favor?" Pleskit's face showed
amazement. "Do you really think we came all this way simply because we arenice?"
"Uh . . . yes?"
"Uh . . . no."
"Then why did you come?"
"I've told you before, this is a trading mission. It is trade that binds the worlds in friendly alliance. The
Fatherly One hopes to find something of value on Earth—something that will let you become a trading
partner with us."
"You came here to dobusiness?" asked Tim in astonishment.
"Of course! Our whole culture is based on trade. And we are taught from the time we leave the egg that
a deal is a deal. We do not make a trade and then expect to be able to trade back instantly if we do not
like it. Everything would fall apart if we lived like that. That is why I was so shocked when you wanted to
go back on our trade in the cafeteria. It was a warning sign of bad cultural habits."
"Okay, I think I'm starting to get it," said Tim. "But what about—"
"Wait!" said Pleskit urgently."Look!"
Tim turned around. Linnsy Vanderhof, his upstairs neighbor, was walking toward them. He shrugged.
"What's the big deal? I see Linnsy every day."
"Are you so blind to beauty?" cried Pleskit. "Is your soul so dead to poetry on the hoof?"
Tim turned back. He stared at his friend in concern. "Are you okay, Pleskit?"
"Out of my way!" ordered Pleskit. Pushing past Tim, he puckered his lips and raced toward Linnsy,
crying, "Kiss me, baby,kiss me!"
CHAPTER
2
Kiss Chase
When Linnsy saw Pleskit coming, she smiled. Then her eyes went wide. Then she shrieked, turned, and
ran in the other direction.
"Come back, my littlesquiboodlian, come back!" cried Pleskit.
"Pleskit!" cried McNally. "What are you doing?" Without waiting for an answer, he sprinted after the
out-of-control young alien.
"Kiss kiss," cooed Pleskit, racing after Linnsy. "Kiss—"
His words were cut off when McNally caught him from behind and lifted him into the air.
"Let me go!" cried Pleskit, squirming wildly. "I am in pursuit of my beloved!"
"Pleskit!" shouted McNally. "What in heaven's name is wrong with you?"
Pleskit blinked and shook his head. He blinked again, then said, "Why are you holding me, McNally?"
"Why were you chasing Linnsy?"
"Good question," panted Tim, who had just caught up with them.
"Why was I doingwhat?" asked Pleskit. He sounded genuinely mystified.
"Chasing me!" cried Linnsy. She had stopped about twenty feet from them and was staring at Pleskit
with a combination of astonishment and horror. "You said you wanted to kiss me!"
"Iwhat?" shouted Pleskit.
"You said you wanted to kiss her," repeated McNally grimly. "You better watch that stuff, buddy. It's
not like when I was a kid. Chase a girl on the playground these days, and next thing you know you'll find
yourself in court."
"Court?" squeaked Pleskit. Hissphen-gnut-ksher emitted a smell like rotting carp. "I do not
understand." He began to squirm again. "Put me down, please, McNally."
"Can I trust you not to run off?"
"Of course you can."
Eyeing him cautiously, McNally set him down. Pleskit closed his own eyes and took a deepbreath.
"Could someone please tell me what has been going on?"
"That's what I want to know," said Tim. "We were talking about your weird trade rules when all of a
sudden you looked at Linnsy and went all ga-ga. Next thing I knew, you were chasing her."
"Okay, so what wasthat all about, anyway?" asked Linnsy, who had come cautiously
back to join them.
Pleskit turned to look at her. His eyes grew wide. "About?" he cried. "It was aboutlove!" He darted
forward again, crying, "Kiss me, baby, kiss me!"
Linnsy shrieked and ran.
With a quick lunge McNally grabbed Pleskit and lifted him off the ground again. "What the heck is going
on here?" he roared.
Pleskit continued to move his feet as if they were still on the ground. "Kiss me, baby, kiss me!" he cried,
stretching his arms toward Linnsy.
Other kids had noticed the uproar and were turning in their direction. Most were laughing.
Ms. Weintraub came racing toward them. "What is going on here?" she cried.
"That's just what I want to know," growled McNally.
"Pleskit's lost his mind," said Tim sadly. "He's gone girl crazy. Maybe it's an effect of the atmosphere, or
hormones in the water acting on his alien body, or something."
Suddenly Pleskit stopped squirming. "McNally, put me down, please."
"Not again," said McNally firmly. "At least, not without a harness."
"Perhaps you could just put him down and hold his arm, Mr. McNally," said Ms. Weintraub gently.
"Yeah, I suppose I could do that." The muscular bodyguard set Pleskit gently down, but kept a tight grip
on his arm. "Don't try anything," he warned.
Pleskit glanced around. "I am confused. Also, I do not feel very well. Perhaps we should go back to the
embassy."
"Good idea," said McNally.
"I agree," said Ms. Weintraub. "You're excused for the rest of the day, Pleskit."
Pleskit turned toward Linnsy. "If I have caused you distress, I am most sincerely apologetic."
Jordan Lynch, who had joined the crowd surrounding them said, "You oughtta be, you per—"
"Jordan!" snapped Ms. Weintraub. "Can it!"
Jordan rolled his eyes. So did Brad Kent, his official tagalong and suck-up.
Still holding Pleskit tightly by the arm, McNally led him off the playground.
"Looks like your alien pal has really done it this time, Tompkins," laughed Jordan. "Hey, Linnsy— if you
want a lawyer, my dad can put you in touch with someone who specializes in sexual harassment cases."
"Good one, Jordan," said Brad, slapping him on the back.
"Shut up," said Jordan.
Linnsy motioned with her head to Tim. He recognized the sign. Five minutes later, after the group had
broken up, he met her at the corner of the school.
"Okay, what was thatreally all about?" she asked.
"I don't have the slightest idea," said Tim. "Honest."
She glared at him suspiciously. "Are you telling me thatwasn't part of one of your goofy plans?"
"No. Honest. I swear!" said Tim, holding up his hands.
"Well, I didn't like it."
"I don't blame you. But I don't think it was really Pleskit's fault."
"Yeah, that's what guys always say," retorted Linnsy. "Just tell him not to let it happen again."
"I'll pass on the message. Uh . . . you're not going to mention this to your father, are you?"
Tim had always found Linnsy's father a little bit frightening.
Linnsy laughed. "I don't need Dad's help to handle a pair of twerps like you and Pleskit. Just keep in
mind that if it happens again, things could get nasty around here fast. Remember, kiss chases can go two
ways, buddy."
Tim's eyes widened. "You're not suggesting ..."
"I'm just saying that vast and widespread social humiliation is a definite possibility if you press me too
far."
Tim gulped. "I'll be sure to pass on the message."
CHAPTER
3
Waiting for Whompis
"So what was that all about?" asked McNally when he and Pleskit were in the armored limousine that
carried them back and forth from the embassy. "Was this Step One of another wacko scheme you and
Tim have cooked up?"
"No!" cried Pleskit earnestly. "I swear by the shards of my egg—and that is an oath that ismee-tumlich,
as you can ask the Fatherly One—I am utterly mystified and embarrassed by my
own bizarre behavior."
Ralph-the-driver glanced in the rearview mirror but didn't say anything. He never did.
Pleskit put his hand on McNally's arm. "Do you think the Fatherly One will be disturbed?"
"That depends. Do guys on your planet usually have complete personality transplants and start chasing
girls around?"
"Never!" cried Pleskit. "That is the girl's job."
"Then he's probably going to be disturbed," said McNally. "At least we don't have any disguised
reporters lurking around the school this week; at least, I hope we don't. This is not a story I want to get
out." He paused, then added, "Actually, it's the Butt that I'm really worried about."
Pleskit groaned. "The dreaded Ms. Buttsman! I had nearly forgotten that we would have to face her as
well."
They were referring to the uptight protocol officer the government had assigned to the embassy.
"She's not going to like this one," said McNally. "I've got a feeling she keeps a copy ofThe Politically
Correct Handbook under her pillow. And believe me, Pleskit, this afternoon's display
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PEANUTBUTTERLOVERBOYIllustratedbyTonySanseveroAMinstrel®BOOKPublishedbyPOCKETBOOKSNewYorkLondonTorontoSydneySingapore ALetterHome(Translation) FROM:PleskitMeenom,ontheemotionallydangerousPlanetEarthTO:MaktelGeebrit,ontherelativelysanePlanetHevi-HeviDearMaktel:Sixthgradeisbeginningtowearmedown....
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时间：2024-12-24
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