Kurt Vonnegut - Happy Birthday Wanda-June

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

Kurt Vonnegut

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

SILENCE. Pitch blackness. Animal eyes begin to glow in the

darkness. Sounds of the jungle climax in animals fighting.

A SINGER is heard singing the first bars of "All God's

Chillun Got Shoes." HAROLD, LOOSELEAF, PENELOPE, and WOODLY

stand in a row in the darkness, facing the audience. They

are motionless. A city skyline in the early evening

materializes outside the windows.

The lights come up on the living room of a rich man's

apartment, which is densely furnished with trophies of hunts

and wars. There is a front door, a door to the master

bedroom suite, and a corridor leading to other bedrooms, the

kitchen and so on.

PENELOPE

How do you do. My name is Penelope

Ryan. This is a simple-minded play

about men who enjoy killing--and

those who don't.

HAROLD

I am Harold Ryan, her husband. I

have killed perhaps two hundred men

in wars of various sorts--as a

professional soldier. I have

killed thousands of other animals

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

as well--for sport.

WOODLY

I am Dr. Norbert Woodly--a

physician, a healer. I find it

disgusting and frightening that a

killer should be a respected member

of society. Gentleness must

replace violence everywhere, or we

are doomed.

PENELOPE

(to LOOSELEAF)

Would you like to say something

about killing, Colonel?

LOOSELEAF

(embarrassed)

Jesus--I dunno. You know. What

the heck. Who knows?

PENELOPE

Colonel Harper, retired now,

dropped an atom bomb on Nagasaki

during the Second World War,

killing seventy-four thousand

people in a flash.

LOOSELEAF

I dunno, boy.

PENELOPE

You don't know?

LOOSELEAF

It was a bitch.

PENELOPE

Thank you.

(to all)

You can leave now. We'll begin.

WOODLY

(to the audience,

making a peace sign)

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

Peace!

All but PENELOPE exit.

PENELOPE

(to the audience)

This is a tragedy. When it's done,

my face will be as white as the

snows of Kilimanjaro.

(hyena laughs)

My husband, who kills so much, has

been missing for eight years. He

disappeared in a light plane over

the Amazon Rain Forest, where he

hoped to find diamonds as big as

cantaloupes. His pilot was Colonel

Looseleaf Harper, who dropped the

bomb on Nagasaki.

(hyena laughs)

I should explain the doorbells in

this apartment. They were built by

Abercrombie and Fitch. They are

actual recordings of animal cries.

The back doorbell is a hyena, which

you've just heard. The front

doorbell is a lion's roar.

(to the wings)

Would you let them hear it please?

(lion roars)

Thank you.

PAUL, her twelve-year-old son, enters from corridor, a

sensitive, neatly dressed little rich boys.

PENELOPE

And this is my son, Paul. He was

only four years old when his father

disappeared.

PAUL

(radiantly, sappily)

He's coming back, Mom! He's the

bravest, most wonderful man who

ever lived.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

PENELOPE

(to audience)

I told you this was a simple-minded

play.

PAUL

Maybe he'll come back tonight!

It's his birthday.

PENELOPE

I know.

PAUL

Stay home tonight!

PENELOPE

(ruefully, for they

have been over this before)

Oh, Paul--

PAUL

You're married! You've already got

a husband!

PENELOPE

He's a ghost!

PAUL

He's alive!

PENELOPE

Not even Mutual of Omaha thinks so

anymore.

PAUL

If you have to go out with some

guy--can't he be more like Dad?

(sick)

Herb Shuttle and Norbert Woodly--

can't you do better than those two

freaks?

PENELOPE

(resentfully)

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

Thank you, kind sir.

PAUL

A vacuum cleaner salesman and a

fairy doctor.

PENELOPE

A what kind of doctor?

PAUL

A fairy--a queer. Everybody in the

building knows he's a queer.

PENELOPE

(knowing better)

That's an interesting piece of news.

PAUL

You're the only woman he ever took

out.

PENELOPE

Not true.

PAUL

Still lives with his mother.

PENELOPE

You know she has no feet! You want

him to abandon his mother, who has

no husband, who has no money of her

own, who has no feet?

PAUL

How did she lose her feet?

PENELOPE

In a railroad accident many years ago.

PAUL

I was afraid to ask.

PENELOPE

Norbert was just beginning practice.

A real man would have sold her to a

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

catfood company, I suppose. As far

as that goes, J. Edgar Hoover still

lives with his mother.

PAUL

I didn't know that.

PENELOPE

A lot of people don't.

PAUL

J. Edgar Hoover plays sports.

PENELOPE

I don't really know.

PAUL

To only exercise Dr. Woodly ever

gets is playing the violin and

making that stupid peace sign.

(makes the peace sign

and says the word effeminately)

Peace. Peace. Peace, everybody.

Lion doorbell roars.

PENELOPE

(cringing)

I hate that thing.

PAUL

It's beautiful.

He goes to door, admits WOODLY, whom he loathes openly.

WOODLY

(wearing street

clothes, carrying a

rolled-up poster

under his arm)

Peace, everybody--Paul, Penelope.

PAUL

You're taking Mom out tonight?

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

WOODLY

(to PENELOPE)

You're going out?

PENELOPE

Herb Shuttle is taking me to a fight.

WOODLY

Take plenty of cigars.

PENELOPE

(an apology, secret

from PAUL)

We made the date three months ago.

WOODLY

I must take you to an emergency

ward sometime--on a Saturday night.

That's also fun. I came to see

Selma, as a matter of fact.

PENELOPE

She quit this afternoon.

PAUL

We don't have a maid any more.

WOODLY

Oh?

PENELOPE

The animals made her sneeze and cry

too much.

WOODLY

I'm glad somebody finally cried.

Every time I come in here and see

all this unnecessary death, I want

to cry.

(winking at PAUL,

acknowledging PAUL's

low opinion of him)

I don't cry, of course. Not manly,

you know. Did she try antihistamines?

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

PENELOPE

They made her so sleepy she

couldn't work.

WOODLY

Throw out all this junk. Burn it!

This room crawls with tropical

disease.

PAUL

Everything stays as it is!

WOODLY

A monument to a man who thought

that what the world needed most was

more rhinoceros meat.

PAUL

(hotly)

My father!

WOODLY

I apologize. But you didn't know

him, and neither did I. How's your

asthma?

PAUL

Don't worry about it.

WOODLY

How's the fungus around your

thumbnail?

PAUL

(concealing the thumb)

It's fine!

WOODLY

It's jungle rot! This room is

making everybody sick! This is

your family doctor speaking now.

(unrolling the poster)

Here--I brought you something else

to hang on your wall, for the sake

of variety.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

PENELOPE

(reading)

"War is not healthy for children

and other living things." How lovely.

WOODLY

No doubt Paul thinks it stinks.

Lion doorbell roars.

WOODLY

I hate that thing.

PAUL

(going to the door)

Keeps fairies away!

He admits HERB SHUTTLE, who carries an Electrolux vacuum

cleaner.

SHUTTLE

(to PAUL

affectionately,

touching him)

Hi kid.

(seeing WOODLY)

Would you look what the car dragged

in.

WOODLY

I'm glad you brought your vacuum

cleaner.

SHUTTLE

Is that a fact?

WOODLY

That maid just quit. The place is

a mess. You can start in the

master bedroom.

PENELOPE

Please--

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

SHUTTLE

He's not anybody to tell somebody

else what to do in a master bedroom.

PENELOPE

I'll get ready, Herb. I didn't

expect you this soon.

(to all)

Please--won't everybody be nice to

everybody else while I'm gone?

All freeze, except for PENELOPE, who comes forward to

address the audience. Lights on set fade as spotlight comes

on.

PENELOPE

Most men shunned me--even when I

nearly swooned for want of love. I

might as well have been girdled in

a chastity belt. My chastity belt

was not made of iron and chains and

chickenwire, but of Harold's lethal

reputation.

SHUTTLE comes into the spotlight.

SHUTTLE

I keep having this nightmare--that

he catches us.

PENELOPE

Doing what?

SHUTTLE

He'd kill me. He'd be right to

kill me, too--the kind of guy he is.

PENELOPE

Or was. We haven't done anything

wrong, you know.

SHUTTLE

He'd assume we had.

PENELOPE

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HAPPYBIRTHDAY,WANDAJUNEHAPPYBIRTHDAY,WANDAJUNEbyKurtVonnegutACTONESCENEONESILENCE.Pitchblackness.Animaleyesbegintoglowinthedarkness.Soundsofthejungleclimaxinanimalsfighting.ASINGERisheardsingingthefirstbarsof"AllGod'sChillunGotShoes."HAROLD,LOOSELEAF,PENELOPE,andWOODLYstandinarowinthedarkness,facing...

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Kurt Vonnegut - Happy Birthday Wanda-June

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