
more noise the car engine made. The best way to deal with tinnitus was
to mask it: to offset the high-pitched sound in the ears with an
equally loud but low-pitched external noise. The theory was that the
two sounds canceled each other out. Which wasn't entirely true, but it
did help. Sometimes more than others.
Spotting the turnoff for the 1-15 North, Tessa guided the yellow Honda
onto the left lane, slipping directly behind the black pickup. The
brake lights on the pickup flashed the moment her car was in lane.
Tessa's foot found the brake pedal. The freeway was clear, yet the
pickup's lights flashed twice more in rapid succession, forcing Tessa
to slow down. to The 1-15 junction was a third of a mile ahead,
according the California Transit sign. As Tessa's gaze dropped from
the sign back to the pickup, the noise in her ears sharpened. The
brake lights flashed red again. Tessa slammed her foot on the brake.
She felt the force of the seat belt pushing her back in her seat. The
driver of the pickup smiled into his rearview mirror. He had a dark
mustache, a double chin, and a small mouth crammed with teeth. Anger
flared hot in Tessa's sights. She wanted to ram the back of his truck,
ram it, then cut in front and slam on her brakes.
Old words came to her ears, though. Words of caution well worn from
twenty-one years of use: Calm down, Tessa. Calm down. The doctor said
you were never to get excited it might make the noises come back.
A lifetime of- self-control exerted itself over Tessa and she pumped
the brake, forcing the Honda to fall back to fifty five The pickup
shot ahead toward the turnoff. Tessa was shaking. Gray noise ground
through her temples. Suddenly she didn't want to take the 1-15 North.
She didn't want to meekly follow the pickup truck, defeated. Palms
damp upon the wheel, Tessa pulled out of the exit lane and slipped back
onto the 8 East.
Angry at herself now, she felt the tinnitus growing worse. It was
always this way: She wasn't supposed to get excited, yet the very act
of not getting excited agitated her even more.
The Honda sped eastward along the 8, past clinics and strip malls, D1Y
warehouses, and apartment complexes promising Free Move-in and Cable on
worn pastel signs. Back up to seventy now, Tessa tried to relax and
let the engine noise soothe her worn nerves. She no longer knew where
she was going. Mission Trails, with its old oaks and pines and its
hiking tracks leading through shaded valleys and over sandy hills, had
been her intended destination. Now she was simply driving east.
The incident with the pickup had left her shaken. Tessa tried to put
it behind her, but the tinnitus. the ringing in her ears that appeared
and then disappeared in sharp bursts throughout her life was getting
worse.
Soothing music, her last doctor had said, will help whenever the noises
start. Dr. Eagleman had handed Tessa a cassette of something entitled
The Healing Ocean, for which he had billed her $99 one month later. The
cassette turned out to be a mix of waves lapping against the shore,
threaded through with some tinny New Age music that would have sounded
right at home in a small-town airport lobby.
Fumbling in the driver's door pocket, Tessa's hand closed around The
Healing Ocean. She brought it up to the dashboard, took the cassette
from its striped blue box, and yanked on the length of exposed tape.