
saw Dad for about an hour a night and maybe every sixth weekend. That was
another of life's little jokes on people, I always thought. Self-made men who
worked damned hard and made a couple of million dollars were always so busy
they never were home enough, never had time enough, to enjoy any of that
money. And, when they started realizing this, as Dad finally did, they'd wind up
dropping dead of a heart attack just when they've decided to take it easy and
enjoy life.
As Dad did. Dead at forty-six. No geriatric cruises, no graduations,
weddings, sailing, none of that for him. That was left to the nonentities, the
retired feed grain salesmen from Des Moines with the IRA account.
Life was always full of cruel jokes like that, I thought glumly. And, when I'd
stood there, watching him being lowered into the ground surrounded by enough
big shots to buy California, I'd felt no. loss, no pain, no sense of grief, and I'd
felt guilty for that, but damn it all, it's hard to grieve for a man you barely knew.
Mom, now, she was a different case. I had to hand it to my father that he'd
remained married to her all that time, although he was no TV sex symbol star
himself. She was plain, beyond the best beauty and fashion con-sultants money
could buy, and she'd been poor. They both had been when they'd married just
out of college, and she'd gone to work and supported him through law school.
There was a bond there, between these two seem-ingly plain, ordinary people
from Moscow, Idaho, one that didn't fall apart as his spectacular law school
grades had attracted a large firm well connected to Senator Carlovich and which
he'd ridden to Washington and the seats of power. I don't know if it was love—I
was never sure of that—but it was more than a strict Catholic upbringing that
kept them together. I think, perhaps, that they each had what they wanted out of
life, or thought they did. Money, power, prestige.
But Mom wanted more than Washington social life, more than the routine of
being married to the powerful and well-connected, more than her political
activities and championing of liberal causes. I was the only child she had, and,
by damn, I was going to be somebody, too!
A private all-male military style prep school, one of the best, shielded from
the world, from the ordinary folk and the roots both she and Dad had risen
from, only the best training and prepping for Victor Leigh Gonser, yes, ma'am!
Hell, I was eighteen before I even met a girl in other than the most rigidly
controlled social situations, and by that time it was getting too late. I discovered
that I simply didn't know what to do. I hadn't had a childhood, I'd had a
mini-business adulthood, so pro-tected from my peers that I could hardly
identify with them. It's in the teen years, particularly, that you learn the rules
society has set down—how to meet and mix with other people, all the social and
sexual signals, the anthropology of your culture. Without them, and out in the
world, you find you're as well prepared for socializ-ing as you would be if you
were living amongst a New Guinea tribe. You're not a part of it, you don't fit.
And, of course, when you fail out of ignorance to respond to the rituals of
society you get pigeonholed and stereotyped and promptly ignored. In my case
the men, and women, at college at first thought I was gay, then decided, finally,
that I was sexless, a neuter without the needs they all had. God! How I envied