School. In fact, as she thought about it, that was part of her problem. How
often had Father actually called candy by the Armenian word? Whenever he let
her walk with him through town and they stopped for candy, he would make her
ask for it in English, and call each piece by its English name. It was absurd,
really -- why would she need to know, in Battle School, the English names of
Armenian candies?
"What are you laughing for?"
"I seem to have lost my taste for candy while I was in space, Father. Though
for old time's sake, I hope you'll have time to walk through town with me
again. You won't be as tall as you were the last time."
"No, nor will your hand be as small in mine." He laughed, too. "We've been
robbed of years that would be precious now, to have in memory."
"Yes," said Petra. "But I was where I needed to be."
Or was I? I'm the one who broke first. I passed all the tests, until the test
that mattered, and there I broke first. Ender comforted me by telling me he
relied on me most and pushed me hardest, but he pushed us all and relied upon
us all and I'm the one who broke. No one ever spoke of it; perhaps here on
Earth not one living soul knew of it. But the others who had fought with her
knew it. Until that moment when she fell asleep in the midst of combat, she
had been one of the best. After that, though she never broke again, Ender also
never trusted her again. The others watched over her, so that if she suddenly
stopped commanding her ships, they could step in. She was sure that one of
them had been designated, but never asked who. Dink? Bean? Bean, yes --
whether Ender assigned him to do it or not, she knew Bean would be watching,
ready to take over. She was not reliable. They did not trust her. She did not
trust herself.
Yet she would keep that secret from her family, as she kept it in talking to
the prime minister and the press, to the Armenian military and the
schoolchildren who had been assembled to meet the great Armenian hero of the
Formic War. Armenia needed a hero. She was the only candidate out of this war.
They had shown her how the online textbooks already listed her among the ten
greatest Armenians of all time. Her picture, her biography, and quotations
from Colonel Graff, from Major Anderson, from Mazer Rackham.
And from Ender Wiggin. "It was Petra who first stood up for me at risk to
herself. It was Petra who trained me when no one else would. I owe everything
I accomplished to her. And in the final campaign, in battle after battle she
was the commander I relied upon."
Ender could not have known how those words would hurt. No doubt he meant to
reassure her that he did rely upon her. But because she knew the truth, his
words sounded like pity to her. They sounded like a kindly lie.
And now she was home. Nowhere on Earth was she so much a stranger as here,
because she ought to feel at home here, but she could not, for no one knew her
here. They knew a bright little girl who was sent off amid tearful good-byes
and brave words of love. They knew a hero who returned with the halo of
victory around her every word and gesture. But they did not know and would
never know the girl who broke under the strain and in the midst of battle
simply ... fell asleep. While her ships were lost, while real men died, she
slept because her body could stay awake no more. That girl would remain hidden
from all eyes.