
few feet of silver garland draped over my shoulders, a staple gun holstered in my back pocket, and my
two-year-old playing snooker with the Christmas tree ornaments on the rug below me.
A few months ago, this place was crawling with demons. (Okay, maybe that's a slight exaggeration, but
there were at least a half dozen walking around in their geriatric disguises, acting like they owned the
place.) Since such a situation was beyond unacceptable, I'd gone in to clean the place up. Not unlike
Marshal Dillon, really. Except I didn't have a cool white hat or little silver star.
What I did have was a lovely arsenal of lies (along with the more practical tools like holy water, wooden
stakes, and a kick-ass stiletto knife). And I have to say that I did a hell of a job. After only a few short
months, Coastal Mists was demon-free. For that matter, many of the administrators and doctors had
vanished into the night. Not demons, but human facilitators who'd been seduced by the promise of
power, wealth, whatever. A too-common tale, and one that had transformed a run-of-the-mill nursing
home into a demon factory.
I, however, had shut that down.
Now the place that had once been a depressing breeding ground for the undead was a pretty cheerful
establishment, complete with HBO, Cinemax, and a state-of-the-art plasma television with a sound
system that made my husband drool.
But did I get to cross Coastal Mists off my to-do list? Free up a little time for grocery shopping,
carpooling, and other miscellaneous family chores? No, I did not. Because in order to infiltrate myself
into Coastal Mists in the first place, I'd had to concoct a cover story. And mine was volunteering.
The demons might have been eradicated, but the responsibilities weren't. So in addition to cooking meals
for my family, I was now delivering meals to the bedridden. In addition to reading Dr. Seuss to my
toddler, I was now reading Zane Grey to men who probably remembered the Wild West. In addition to
potty training my kid, I was now—well, you get the idea.
Also—and this was a big "also"—as much of a time drain as my Coastal Mists activities were, the truth
was that I needed to keep a presence there. The nursing home had a high-mortality rate (that's just the
nature of nursing homes), which made it the perfect breeding spot for any demonic leader looking to get a
toehold in San Diablo.
It had happened once. I didn't intend to let it happen again.
On that particular day, my best friend Laura and I were helping decorate the place for Christmas. We'd
brought Timmy with us for three reasons, the first being totally selfish: mommy guilt. Although I'd enrolled
Timmy in day care—and although he actually seemed to enjoy it—my guilt level was high enough that I
only took him in when absolutely necessary. Like when the Legions of Hell descend on the
neighborhood. Or when I need to buy new clothes. Trust me. I'd rather slay fifteen demons with a
toddler at my side than take the munchkin shopping for the perfect outfit to wear to one of my husband's
politically motivated, deathly dull cocktail parties.
My second reason originated from a more altruistic place: The folks at the nursing home absolutely
adored the little bugger. Makes sense. They didn't get that many visitors, and even fewer from the
preschool crowd. Besides, as toddlers go, mine was practically perfect. Not that I'm biased or anything.
Finally, I'd brought Timmy along because today was Family Day at my daughter Allie's school. As soon
as Laura and I were finished with the decorating, we were going to pack up Timmy, swing by the bakery
to pick up the PTA-mandated two dozen cupcakes, and head over to Coronado High School where we
would do our best not to embarrass our freshman daughters by mentioning boys, grades, teachers, boys,