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whelming impulse to rid the young man in the five and ten cent store of the burden of existence and decided
Harold W. Smith was a pain'in the ass.
Killing forty-three men in broad daylight at a union rally was okay. Knocking off a fake
army installation, with the arms and legs of a complete squadron of trained thugs flying
dismembered through the breeze like link sausages, was peachy. But let Remo Williams pop
a snotty dune store floorwalker in his acned cauliflower nose, and Smitty would be on Remo's
case with razorblades for words.
Remo picked up another bag, weighing eighty-eight pounds. He picked up a third. It was
also leaking. As he moved from one bag to the next, the floor beneath his loafers took on
the appearance of Iowa farmland. The seventeenth bag emptied its contents at Remo's feet
before it was two inches off the ground.
"This is ridiculous," Remo said. "These bags are all torn."
"You're not supposed to handle them so rough, lunkhead," the man sneered to Remo,
who could count the legs on caterpillars as they walked over his hands, whose fingers had
been exercised by catching butterflies in flight without disturbing the pollen on their wings.
"You're just clumsy. Now look at this mess you made. You've wrecked my display. It took
me three hours to set this up."
"To set me up, you mean. You knew these bags had holes in them."
"Look, it's not my job to make sure your hands don't get dirty."
"Oh yeah? What is your job, then?"
The man smiled, pushing a lock of greasy hair off his forehead, raising the curtain on
another field of acne. "I'm the assistant manager, wise guy. Man-
18
ager, hear? My job is to see to it that customers take what we got, or get out. You want
something, buy it. If you don't like what we stock, blow. This is New York, jerk. We don't
need your business."
"Oh, excuse me," Remo said politely. To hell with Smith. "I forgot my place. I must
have been thinking I was in a store, where the employees were supposed to be friendly and
helpful."
The assistant manager snorted a laugh, sizing up the thin man with the abnormally thick wrists, figuring that he
would bully him into buying a half-empty bag of potting soil for forty dollars, just as he had bullied his other
customers into buying defective irons, soiled baby clothes, torn paperback books, dying parakeets, dented pots,
and other items which customers bought because they knew they would be in approximately the same condition
in other stores where the employees would be just as rude.
There was rudeness, plain old run-of-the-mill New York rudeness, and there was that
special rudeness that separated the retail world from the rest of the citizenry. That special
rudeness, the assistant manager knew, could not be learned. It was a gift.
The assistant manager had the gift. He was born to his calling, and he was a pro in his field.
He knew how to make his customers feel "so miserable, so beaten, so helpless, that they would
not dare spend their money elsewhere. Since he began his job six months before, sales had
gone up more than fifty percent. In another month, he would be manager. In a year, he'd be
heading up the entire chain of thirty-five New York stores.
He was nearly lost in his reverie when he noticed the thin man in the dirt-spattered black tee
shirt was
19
doing an amazing thing. He was picking up one of the Amaza-Gro bags with one hand. With his other hand, the
thin man was wrapping a green garden hose around the assistant manager from neck to ankles. It all took place in
less than three seconds.
"Just tidying up," Remo said. "Don't want you to be upset because of messy customers who
dare to criticize your merchandise." He yanked the assistant manager's hair so that his eyes
bulged and his mouth popped open and every folh'cle on his head screamed in anguish.
The assistant manager also screamed, but no one heard him because Remo had stuffed
his mouth with pure dehydrated Kentucky horse manure.
"Yum, yum, eat 'em up," Remo said, kicking the assistant manager's feet out from
beneath him so that he toppled to the floor and bounced on his rubber tubing exterior like a
beach toy.
"Mff. Pfft," said the assistant manager.
"Beg pardon? Speak up."
"UHNNK! MMMB!"