"Have a nice evening, sir," George called after him.
He rode the elevator to his penthouse suite, shucked off his topcoat, and walked into the front room, still
clutching the catalogue. Shadows draped the furnishings and dappled the carpeting and walls, but he left the lights
off and stood motionless before the bank of windows that looked out over the sunroof and the buildings of the city
beyond. Lights glimmered through the evening gray, distant and solitary, each a source of life separate and apart
from the thousands of others.
We are so much of the time alone, he thought. Wasn't it strange?
He looked down again at the catalogue. Why do you suppose they had sent it to Annie? Why were companies
always sending mailers and flyers and free samples and God-knew-what-all to people long after they were dead and
buried? It was an intrusion on their privacy. It was an affront. Didn't these companies update their mailing lists? Or
was it simply that they refused ever to give up on a customer?
He checked his anger and, instead, smiled, bitter, ironic.
Maybe he should phone it all in to Andy Rooney. Let him write about it.
He turned on the lights then and walked over to the wall bar to make himself a scotch, Glenlivet on the rocks
with a splash of water; he measured it out and sipped at it experimentally. There was a bar meeting in a little less
than two hours, and he had promised Miles that he would make this one. Miles Bennett was not only his partner,
but he was probably his only real friend since Annie's death. All of the others had drifted away somehow, lost in
the shufflings and rearrangings of life's social order. Couples and singles made a poor mix, and most of their
friends had been couples. He hadn't done much to foster continuing friendships in any case, spending most of his
time involved with his work and with his private, inviolate grief. He was not such good company anymore, and
only Miles had had the patience and the perseverance to stay with him.
He drank some more of the scotch and wandered back again to the open windows. The lights of the city winked
back at him. Being alone wasn't so bad, he reasoned. That was just the way of things. He frowned. Well, that was
his way, in any case. It was his choice to be alone. He could have found companionship again from any one of a
number of sources; he could have reintegrated himself into almost any of the city's myriad social circles. He had
the necessary attributes. He was young still and successful; he was even wealthy, if money counted for anything -
and in this world it almost always did. No, he didn't have to be alone.
And yet he did, because the problem was that he really didn't belong anyway.
He thought about that for a moment - forced himself to think about it. It wasn't simply his choosing to be alone
that kept him that way; it was almost a condition of his existence.
The feeling that he was an outsider had always been there.
Becoming a lawyer had helped him deal with that feeling, giving him a place in life, giving him a ground upon
which he might firmly stand. But the sense of not belonging had persisted, however diminished its intensity - a
nagging certainty. Losing Annie had simply given it new life, emphasizing the transiency of any ties that bound
him to whom and what he had let himself become. He often wondered if others felt as he did. He supposed they
must; he supposed that to some extent everyone felt something of the same displacement. But not as strongly as he,
he suspected. Never that strongly.
He knew Miles understood something of it - or at least something of Ben's sense of it. Miles didn't feel about it
as Ben did, of course. Miles was the quintessential people person, always at home with others, always comfortable
with his surroundings.