
Stumbling to the edge, I found several moored boats, little fishing canoes. Why hadn't the fools in the villages run
to these and saved themselves? I felt helpless anger at them, as I expertly pushed my boat out from the shore, using
the long rough pole. I bore the guilt for everyone of them to die. And here was the means for them to live, ignored.
Damn them, then, let them perish.
Deep on the heart of the lake, I watched through the night, the imperceptible dawn, while the fury of the
mountain expended itself. Around me the water heaved and bubbled, the air was black, hot, and stifled with
falling ashes. The sounds were of a great beast vomiting. I thought of the stone Karrakaz had used as its altar,
consumed with all the rest, but I knew that that thing at least had survived. It would be always with me, an emblem
of the waiting evil in my soul, a reminder of my hideousness, the curse upon me, and the easiness of death.
At last, a sort of twilight, green and lavender, with one last pulsing cloud above the volcano. I strained the boat
across the water to the farthest shore, but even there the land was cinder-fields. In places the ground had cracked open,
erupting stones.
I would have kept away from the cots and huts, but it was so difficult to tell now. Everything was down, trees
smoldering in the path. A dead child lay on its face; dead birds had fallen from the air. I began to weep, running
frantically in all directions to escape this evidence, but always seeing it. Had my sin come already? Even in my
unconquerable desire to be free, had I begun to unlock darkness?
And now I seemed to be moving down a narrow alleyway between the ruined walls of little houses.
A corner, swerving sharply, and now an open place. There were about fifty or sixty people huddled together here,
their backs to me, ragged and grimy as I was. The sight shocked me. I stopped. A little hot wind hissed through my
hair.
And then they began to turn, singly, in groups, sensing me as a wild animal senses danger or food. Their cold
reddened eyes fixed on my body, halted, and turned from my face. I wanted to put up my hands to hide my face, but
they were wooden and nailed against my sides. A child began to cry somewhere in the throng. Men shouted and
women muttered. Their hands were moving as mine could not, in some ancient
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ritual; against evil, I thought. Suddenly a new voice rang out, clear, but with a little crack in it.
"The Goddess! The She-One from the Mountain!" And all about me, as if at a signal, they were falling on their
knees, entreating me for mercy, and pity, and succor, and all the things I could not give. Mixed in with their
wailing was a cry about their sins, and the word Evess. It came to me abruptly that they were speaking hi some
language I had never heard, and yet I knew every syllable. Evess meant face, but not in the human sense. This
was the face of holiness which to them could be both beautiful and ugly, equally terrible, and must never be looked
on. Glancing behind them, I saw what they had been grouped around at the end of the open place: a rough-hewn
stone, resembling a woman in a red robe with white clay hair. It held a mask against the Evess, which could not be
seen, but the hair and stature of it were unmistakable. These people were big and large-boned, dark-skinned and
black-haired. The image was not of them, but they and I knew it at once. It was myself.
So I stood facing myself across the humped hills of their bodies. I, who had brought the scarlet death of the
mountain, worshiped in fear as the ancient goddess some legend had implanted in their minds.
I ended the paralysis of my bewilderment by turning to walk away.
Softly, whispering their invocations, they followed me. What now? If I broke into a run to escape them, would
they too run to keep up? My eyes grew strange, and everywhere I looked, I seemed to see the glitter of the Knife
of Easy Dying. Die, and let them follow me into death if they would. But I was still too new to life to let it go.
Finally, sick and weary and in pain, I sat down on the rubble of some wall. I sighed, and countless eyes lifted,
hovered, and fell away.
A woman came crawling to my foot.
"Spare us who have seen, unwilling, the Evess of the Goddess."
"Let me alone," I said, but too faint for her to hear the words.
She took it as some kind of malediction; perhaps I had not even spoken in their tongue, but in my own, consciously
forgotten, yet learned in my first years as a child, before the ending of my race. She began to wail, and beat her
breasts, and rend her hair.
"Stop," I said.
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She gazed at me blankly, her hands suspended in midair.
A callous hysteria overcame me, and I laughed weakly at her, at all of them, as I sat on the rubble.
They thought me a goddess. I was quite incomprehensible to them. No need then to explain, only do as I wanted.
There would be no hindrance.
I got up, and every joint seemed ready to crack open.
An old long low building, upright, with several shallow steps, and an oblong doorway leading into cool dark.
There was a smell there-cold yet close, not unpleasant, but alien. The smell of Human Life, and of something else
too. I guessed soon enough when I saw the repeated image of the She-One. This was their temple, and the smell was
holiness, fear and incense blended together by generations of unquiet belief.
They were hesitating below the steps, dark against the bronze and lilac sky. I held up my hand, my palm facing
out toward them.
"No farther," I said. "Mine."
They seemed to understand. I went into the gloom alone. Beyond the altar, a screened door: the ultimate sanctuary.
It was only a little cold stone room. Ash had collected on the floor, as it seemed to have collected everywhere. A
priest's pallet lay in a corner. I stumbled to it and lay down.
Would they come now, dare the abuse of a deity, realizing I was not a legend, but something much worse? Would