Getting your own children to play nice is difficult enough. Dealing with other people’s
children has become a minefield.
In my house, jumping on the sofa is not allowed. In my sister’s house it’s encouraged. For
her, it’s about kids being kids: “If you can’t do it at three, when can you do it?”
Each of these philosophies is valid and, it has to be said, my son loves visiting his aunt’s
house. But I find myself saying “no” a lot when her kids are over at mine. That’s OK between
sisters but becomes dangerous territory when you’re talking to the children of friends or
acquaintances.
“Kids aren’t all raised the same,” agrees Professor Naomi White of Monash University.” But
there is still an idea that they’re the property of the parent. We see our children as an extension of
ourselves, so if you’re saying that my child is behaving inappropriately, then that’s somehow a
criticism of me.”
In those circumstances, it’s difficult to know whether to approach the child directly or the
parent first. There are two schools of thought.
“I’d go to the child first,” says Andrew Fuller, author of Tricky Kids. Usually a quiet
reminder that ’we don’t do that here’ is enough. Kids nave finely tuned antennae (直觉) for how to
behave in different settings.”
He points out bringing it up with the parent first may make them feel neglectful, which could
cause problems. Of course, approaching the child first can bring its own headaches, too.
This is why White recommends that you approach the parents first. Raise your concerns with
the parents if they’re there and ask them to deal with it,” she says.
Asked how to approach a parent in this situation, psychologist Meredith Fuller answers:
“Explain your needs as well as stressing the importance of the friendship. Preface your remarks
with something like: ’I know you’ll think I’m silly but in my house I don’t want…’”
When it comes to situations where you’re caring for another child, white is straightforward:
“common sense must prevail. If things don’t go well, then have a chat.”
There’re a couple of new grey areas. Physical punishment, once accepted from any adult, is
no longer appropriate. “A new set of considerations has come to the fore as part of the debate
about how we handle children.”
For Andrew Fuller, the child-centric nature of our society has affected everyone:” The rules
are different now from when today’s parents were growing up,” he says, “Adults are scared of
saying: ’don’t swear’, or asking a child to stand up on a bus. They’re worried that there will be
conflict if they point these things out – either from older children, or their parents.”
He sees it as a loss of the sense of common public good and public courtesy ( 礼貌), and says
that adults suffer form it as much as child.
Meredith Fuller agrees: “A code of conduct is hard to create when you’re living in a world in
which everyone is exhausted from overwork and lack of sleep, and a world in which nice people
are perceived to finish last.”
“It’s about what I’m doing and what I need,” Andrew Fuller says. ”the days when a kid came
home from school and said, “I got into trouble”. And dad said, ‘you probably deserved it’. Are
over. Now the parents are charging up to the school to have a go at teachers.”
This jumping to our children’s defense is part of what fuels the “walking on eggshells”
feeling that surrounds our dealings with other people’s children. You know that if you
remonstrate(劝诫) with the child, you’re going to have to deal with the parent. It’s admirable to be