
would stand you in good stead. No? You are a trained synthesizer? Hmmmm. Too
bad, your musical education would be a real asset there." He paused. "Well,
then, I'd recommend you leave the theater arts entirely. With your sense of
pitch, you could be a crystal tuner or an aircraft and shuttle dispatcher or
-- " "Thank you, maestro," she said, more from force of habit than any real
gratitude. She gave him the half bow his rank required and withdrew.
Slamming the panel shut behind her, Killashandra stalked down the
corridor, blinded by the tears she'd been too proud to shed in the maestro's
presence. Though she half wanted and half feared meeting a fellow student who
would question her tears and commiserate with her disaster, she was
inordinately relieved to reach her study cubicle without having encountered
anyone. There she gave herself up to her misery, bawling into hysteria, past
choking, until she was too spent to do more than gasp for breath.
If her body protested the emotional excess, her mind reveled in it. For
she had been abused, misused, misguided, misdirected -- and who knows how many
of her peers had been secretly laughing at her dreams of glorious triumphs on
the concert and opera stage? Killashandra had a generous portion of the
conceit and ego required for her chosen profession, with no leavening of
humility: she'd felt success and stardom were only a matter of time. Now she
cringed at the vivid memory of her self-assertiveness and arrogance. She had
approached the morning's audition with such confidence, the requisite
commendations to continue as a solo aspirant a foregone conclusion. She
remembered the faces of the examiners, so pleasantly composed; one man nodding
absent-mindedly to the pulse of the test arias and lieder. She'd been
scrupulous in tempi; they'd marked her high on that. How could they have
looked so -- so impressed? So encouraging?
How could they record such verdicts against her?
"The voice is unsuited to the dynamics of opera Unpleasant burr too
audible." "A good instrument for singing with orchestra and chorus where
grating overtone will not be noticeable." "Strong choral leader quality:
student should be positively dissuaded from solo work."
Unfair! Unfair! How could she be allowed to come so far, be permitted to
delude herself, only to be dashed down in the penultimate trial? And to be
offered, as a sop, choral leadership! How degradingly ignominious!
From her excruciating memories wriggled up the faces of her brothers and
sisters, taunting her for what they called "shrieking at the top of her
lungs." Teasing her for the hours she spent on finger exercises and attempting
to "understand" the harmonics of odd off-world music. Her parents had
surrendered to Killashandra's choice of profession because it was, at the
outset, financed by Fuerte's planetary educational system; second, it might
accrue to their own standing in the community; and third, she had the
encouragement of her early vocal and instrumental teachers. Them! Was it the
ineptitude of one of those clods to which she owed the flaw in her voice?
Killashandra rolled in an agony of self-pity.
What was it Valdi had had the temerity to suggest? An allied art? A
synthesizer? Bah! Spending her life in mental institutions catering to flawed
minds because she had a flawed voice? Or mending flawed crystals to keep
interplanetary travel or someone's power plant flowing smoothly?
Then she realized her despondency was merely self-pity and sat upright,
staring at herself in the mirror on the far wall, the mirror that had
reflected all those long hours of study and self-perfection. Self-deception!
In an instant, Killashandra shook herself free of such wallowing
self-indulgence. She looked around the study, a slice of a room dominated by
the Vidifax, with its full address keyboard that interfaced with the Music
Record Center, providing access to a galaxy's musical output. She glanced over
the repros of training performances -- she'd always had a lead role -- and she
knew that she would do best to forget the whole damned thing! If she couldn't
be at the top, to hell with theater arts! She'd be top in whatever she did or
die in the attempt.