Jasper Fforde - Thursday Next 3 - Lost in a Good Book

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Jasper Fforde - Thursday Next 02 - Lost in a Good Book
Lost in a Good Book
Jasper Fforde
 
This book is dedicated to assistants everywhere.
You make it happen for them.
They couldn't do it without you.
Your contribution is everything.
Don't expect the expected:
Expect the unexpected.
If you expect the expected
I expect you will remain unexpected.
– from the teachings of St Zvlkx
Contents
1. The Adrian Lush Show
2. The Special Operations Network
3. Cardenio unbound
4. Five coincidences, seven Irma Cohens and one confused Neanderthal
5. Vanishing hitch-hikers
4a. Five coincidences, seven Irma Cohens and one confused Thursday Next
6. Family
7. White Horse, Uffington, picnics for the use of
8. Mr Stiggins and SO-1
9. The more things stay the same …
10. A lack of differences
11. Granny Next
12. At home with my memories
13. Mount Pleasant
14. The Gravitube
15. Curiouser & Curiouser in Osaka
16. Interview with the cat
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Jasper Fforde - Thursday Next 02 - Lost in a Good Book
17. Miss Havisham
18. The trial of Fräulein N
19. Bargain books
20. Yorrick Kaine
21. Les arts modernes de Swindon, ’85
22. Travels, with my father
23. Fun with Spike
24. Performance-related pay, Miles Hawke & Norland Park
25. Roll-call at Jurisfiction
26. Assignment one: bloophole in Great Expectations
27. Landen and Joffy again
28. The Raven
29. Rescued
30. Cardenio rebound
31. Dream Topping
32. The end of life as we know it
33. The dawn of life as we know it
34. The Well of Lost Plots
1
The Adrian Lush Show
Sample viewing figures for major TV networks in England, September 1985
Network Toad
The Adrian Lush Show (Wednesday) (chat show) 16,428,316
The Adrian Lush Show (Monday) (chat show) 16,034,921
Bonzo the Wonder Hound (canine thriller) 15,975,462
Mole TV
Name That Fruit! (answer questions for cash prizes) 15,320,340
65 Walrus Street (soap opera, episode 3352) 14,315,902
Dangerously Dysfunctional People Argue Live on
TV (chat show) 11,065,611
Owl Vision
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Jasper Fforde - Thursday Next 02 - Lost in a Good Book

Will Marlowe or Kit Shakespeare? (literary quiz show) 13,591,203

One More Chance to See! (reverse extinction show) 2,321,820

Goliath Cable Channel (1 to 32)

Whose Lie Is It Anyway? (corporate comedy quiz show) 428

Cots to Coffins: Goliath. All You'll Ever Need (docuganda) 9 (disputed)

Neanderthal Network 4

Power Tool Club Live (routers and power planer edition) 9,032

Jackanory Gold (Jane Eyre edition) 7,219

WARWICK FRIDGE – The Ratings War

I didn't ask to be a celebrity. I never wanted to appear on The Adrian Lush Show. And let's get one thing

straight right now – the world would have to be hurtling towards imminent destruction before I'd agree to

anything as dopey as The Thursday Next Workout Video.

The publicity surrounding the successful rebookment of Jane Eyre was fun to begin with but rapidly grew

wearisome. I happily posed for photocalls, agreed to newspaper interviews, hesitantly appeared on Desert

Island Smells and was thankfully excused the embarrassment of Celebrity Name That Fruit! The public,

ever fascinated by celebrity, had wanted to know everything about me following my excursion within the

pages of Jane Eyre, and since the Special Operations Network have a PR record on a par with that of

Vlad the Impaler, the top brass thought it would be a good wheeze to use me to boost their flagging

popularity. I dutifully toured all points of the globe doing signings, library openings, talks and interviews.

The same questions, the same SpecOps-approved answers. Supermarket openings, literary dinners, offers

of book deals. I even met the actress Lola Vavoom, who said that she would simply adore to play me if

there were a film. It was tiring, but more than that – it was dull. For the first time in my career at the

Literary Detectives I actually missed authenticating Milton.

I'd taken a week's leave as soon as my tour ended so Landen and I could devote some time to married life.

I moved all my stuff to his house, rearranged his furniture, added my books to his and introduced my

dodo, Pickwick, to his new home. Landen and I ceremoniously partitioned the bedroom closet space,

decided to share the sock drawer, then had an argument over who was to sleep on the wall side of the

bed. We had long and wonderfully pointless conversations about nothing in particular, walked Pickwick

in the park, went out to dinner, stayed in for dinner, stared at each other a lot and slept in late every

morning. It was wonderful.

On the fourth day of my leave, just between lunch with Landen's mum and Pickwick's notable first fight

with the neighbour's cat, I got a call from Cordelia Flakk. She was the senior SpecOps PR agent here in

Swindon and she told me that Adrian Lush wanted me on his show. I wasn't mad keen on the idea – or the

show. But there was an upside. The Adrian Lush Show went out live and Flakk assured me that this would

be a 'no holds barred' interview, something that held a great deal of appeal. Despite my many

appearances, the true story about Jane Eyre was yet to be told – and I had been wanting to drop the

Goliath Corporation in it for quite a while. Flakk's assurance that this would finally be the end of the

press junket clinched my decision. Adrian Lush it would be.

I travelled up to the Network Toad studios a few days later on my own; Landen had a deadline looming

and needed to get his head down. But I wasn't alone for long. As soon as I stepped into the large entrance

lobby a milk-curdling shade of green strode purposefully towards me

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Jasper Fforde - Thursday Next 02 - Lost in a Good Book

'Thursday, darling!' cried Cordelia, beads rattling. 'So glad you could make it!'

The SpecOps dress code stated that our apparel should be 'dignified' but in Cordelia's case they had

obviously stretched a point. Anyone looking less like a serving officer was impossible to imagine. Looks,

in her case, were highly deceptive. She was SpecOps all the way from her high heels to the pink-and-

yellow scarf tied in her hair.

She air-kissed me affectionately.

'How was New Zealand?'

'Green and full of sheep,' I replied. 'I brought you this.'

I handed her a fluffy toy lamb that bleated realistically when you turned it upside down.

'How adorable! How's married life treating you?'

'Very well.'

'Excellent, my dear, I wish you both the best. Love what you've done with your hair!'

'My hair? I haven't done anything with my hair!'

'Exactly!' replied Flakk quickly. 'It's so incredibly you.'

She did a twirl.

'What do you think of the outfit?'

'One's attention is drawn straight to it,' I replied ambiguously.

'This is 1985,' she explained, 'bright colours are the future. I'll let you loose in my wardrobe one day.'

'I think I've got some pink socks of my own somewhere.'

'It's a start, my dear. Listen, you've been a star about all this publicity work; I'm very grateful – and so is

SpecOps.'

'Grateful enough to post me somewhere other than the Literary Detectives?'

'Well,' murmured Cordelia reflectively, 'first things first. As soon as you've done the Lush interview your

transfer application will be aggressively considered, you have my word on that.'

It didn't sound terribly promising. Despite the successes at work, I still wanted to move up within the

Network. Cordelia took my arm and steered me towards the waiting area.

'Coffee?'

'Thank you.'

'Spot of bother in Auckland?'

'Brontë Federation offshoot caused a bit of trouble,' I explained. 'They didn't like the new ending of Jane

Eyre.'

'There'll always be a few malcontents,' observed Flakk. 'Milk?'

'Thanks.'

'Oh,' she said, staring at the milk jug, 'this milk's off. No matter. Listen,' she went on quietly, 'I'd love to

stay and watch but some SpecOps 17 clot in Penzance staked a Goth by mistake; it's going to be PR hell

on earth down there.'

SO-17 were the vampire and werewolf disposal squad. Despite a new 'three-point' confirmation

procedure, a jumpy cadet with a sharpened stake could still spell big trouble.

'Everything is all absolutely hunky-dory here. I've spoken to Adrian Lush and the others so there won't be

any embarrassments.'

'Others?' I asked, suddenly suspicious. 'Embarrassments? What did you have in mind?'

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Jasper Fforde - Thursday Next 02 - Lost in a Good Book

Cordelia threw me a pained expression.

'New orders Thursdaysweetydarling. Believe me, I'm as annoyed as you are.'

She didn't look it.

'No holds barred, eh?' I grimaced, but Flakk was unapologetic.

'Needs must, Thursday. SpecOps requires your support in these difficult times. President Formby has

called for an inquiry into whether SpecOps are value for money – or even necessary at all.'

'Okay,' I agreed, 'but this is the very last interview, yes?'

'Of course,' agreed Flakk a little too quickly, then added in an overdramatic manner, 'Oh my goodness, is

that the time? I have to catch the airship to Barnstaple in an hour. This is Adie; she'll be looking after you

and … and' – here Cordelia leaned just a little bit closer – 'remember you're SpecOps, darling!'

She nodded, told me she would see me later and then took to her heels in a cloud of expensive scent.

'How could I forget?' I muttered as a bouncy girl clutching a clipboard appeared from where she had been

waiting respectfully out of earshot.

'Hi!' squeaked the girl, 'I'm Adie. So pleased to meet you!'

She grasped my hand and told me repeatedly what a fantastic honour it was.

'I don't want to bug you or anything,' she said shyly, 'but was Edward Rochester really drop-dead

gorgeous to die for?'

'Not handsome,' I answered as I watched Flakk slink off down the corridor, 'but certainly attractive. Tall,

deep voice and glowering looks, if you know the type.'

Adie turned a deep shade of pink.

'Gosh!'

I was taken into make-up, where I was puffed and primped, talked at mercilessly and made to sign copies

of the Femole I had appeared in. I was very relieved when Adie came to rescue me thirty minutes later.

She announced into her wireless that we were 'walking' and then, after leading me down a corridor and

through some swing-doors, asked:

'What's it like working in SpecOps? Do you chase bad guys, clamber around on the outside of airships,

defuse bombs with three seconds to go, that sort of stuff?'

'I wish I did,' I replied good-humouredly, 'but in truth it's seventy per cent form-filling, twenty-seven per

cent mind-numbing tedium and two per cent sheer terror.'

'And the remaining one per cent?'

I smiled.

'That's what keeps us going.'

We walked the seemingly endless corridors, past large grinning photographs of Adrian Lush and assorted

other Network Toad celebrities.

'You'll like Adrian,' she told me happily, 'and he'll like you. Just don't try to be funnier than him; it doesn't

suit the format of the show.'

'What does that mean?'

She shrugged.

'I don't know. I'm meant to tell all his guests that.'

'Even the comedians?'

'Especially the comedians '

I assured her being funny was the last thing on my mind, and pretty soon she directed me on to the studio

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JasperFforde-ThursdayNext02-LostinaGoodBookLostinaGoodBookJasperFfordeThisbookisdedicatedtoassistantseverywhere.Youmakeithappenforthem.Theycouldn'tdoitwithoutyou.Yourcontributioniseverything.Don'texpecttheexpected:Expecttheunexpected.IfyouexpecttheexpectedIexpectyouwillremainunexpected.–fromtheteach...

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