file:///F|/rah/Jack%20L.%20Chalker/Chalker,%20Jack%20L%20-%20G.O.D.%20Inc%202%20-%20The%20Shadow%20Dancers.txt
maybe against the whole world as I saw it, but I didn't see no future and no
purpose to nothin'. Lost my virginity real young, too; when I finally got
knocked up good, I stole some stuff from a store and hocked it for enough to get
an abortion. It weren't no easy thing to do, but there was no way to keep a baby
from Daddy's knowin', and that settled that.
That kind of neighborhood you was always around users and dealers, pimps and
whores, and they weren't no creatures of evil and sin to me. I knew 'em by their
first names, and they knew me. To a kid like me, they were romantic kinds of
figures, and if nothin' else they was the only black folks who seemed to me to
be makin' it. I'd slept around so much by the time I was sixteen that all my
fantasies were about bein' a hooker. Dress up real sexy-like, and have the dudes
pay you to get laid. Easy money, easy work. Only who my Daddy was kept me from
either joinin' up with a string or bein' taken in by a pimp. Ain't no way no
pimp in that part of town wanted the Colonel as an enemy.
Finally, of course, Daddy found out about it. Had to, sooner or later. We had
one big hell of a scene, and for the first and only time in his life he actually
beat me good, and I was ready to pack up, run away, and go to some other city
like New York and sell myself on the streets, but I got so mad I came out first
to tell him, knowin' it would hurt him, and I couldn't find him at first. Then I
figured he was in the bedroom, and he was, only I didn't go in or show myself
and my bad mad just kinda faded out.
He was cryin'. Colonel Harold Parker, U.S.A. (Ret.), one of the toughest dudes
in the world, was cryin'. John Wayne woulda cried before Daddy. It must have
been the first and only time in his life he did it. This was the man who had dug
a bullet out of his own side with a knife, then driven himself twenty miles to
the hospital.
Pretty soon, I was cryin', too, and I ran into him and we held each other and
cried it out. After that, we made a deal. I didn't want to go back to school,
and he didn't want me in with that crowd no more anyway, so he agreed, though he
didn't like it, to let me come in and take over Ma's old job as the secretary,
receptionist, you name it. In exchange, when things got straightened out in the
office and we got a little ahead on the bills, I'd take some night classes, get
my G.E.D. high school equivalency, and maybe more if we could figure a way to
afford it. 'Cause I was his business manager, he'd know where I was and what I
was doin', and our free time would be our free time.
Well, I never did take to school, and I never got through eighth grade, but I
managed. I always read-Ma and Daddy had seen to that from early times, and I
kept doin' it even when the gang made fun of it-so I had a leg up on some of
them kids who have high school diplomas and straight A averages who couldn't
spell cat or write much beyond their name. I got a big vocabulary, but I never
could keep all that grammar shit right. Well, you know, you speak black English
on the streets and white English around Daddy and it's kinda like thinkin' in
one language and talkin' another. I got one of them ghetto-southern accents I
ain't never gonna lick, and I gave up years ago tryin' to correct my grammar.
It's a lost cause. I'm a low-class hick with a big vocabulary, so sue me.
I got the bug, though, helpin' Daddy on cases and gettin' things mostly in
shape. The files might not have had the best grammar but they was complete and
up to date. I never was no good at math, but after we got the free calculator
for subscribing to PI Magazine I always knew we was deep in a hole. Still, I
learned the business, for what it was worth. It's a damned dull, boring job with
no respect and few rewards, no matter what the books and TV and movies tell you.
No big action, either. Daddy had a gun, a big magnum, but he almost never
carried it and I don't think he ever fired it as a PI. I did a lot of practicing
with that sucker and I got pretty good, but that thing has a kick they don't
show you on them TV shows and it ain't much good at any range. I also took
karate and judo lessons at the Y and got pretty good at that, though I never had
much call to use 'em.
I also just about cut out any social life. It weren't none of Daddy's doin', it
was just me. Truth was, I just didn't have much self-image, as they call it.
Never did. When Ma died and Daddy was away so much, I couldn't be on my own, so
I got into the gang and did what the gang did. I figure now that's what all that
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