
Unfortunately, Kelso wouldn’t be doing any more racing, so the issue had become academic.
“Of course,” Scotty noted, “I had a decided advantage, considerin’ the bridge is farther from the
transporter room than engineerin’ is. And anyway, I never had t’ wait for a replacement before I could
take off. All I ever had t’ do was give a few orders and be on my way.”
That must have frustrated Kelso no end, Kirk mused. The man hated to come in second in
anything—even tic-tac-toe.
“Then,” the engineer continued, “a few weeks ago, we ran into that Ceebriian derelict near Alpha
Ortelina Seven, and the captain asked me and Kelso t’ meet him in the transporter room.” He shrugged.
“Mind ye, havin’ anticipated the summons, I was as ready as I’d ever been in my life. I left engineerin’ at
a brisk but confident pace, knowin’ there was nae way Kelso could beat me to my destination.
“And yet,” said Scotty, “when I reached the transporter room, there the lad was—grinnin’ as if he’d
swallowed th’ galaxy’s largest canary. And he was nae even breathin’ heavy, a sure sign I’d been
hoodwinked.”
The engineer shook his head. “It was nae until the next day that I forced the truth out o’ the rascal. With
the help of a transporter operator who’ll remain[12]nameless for her own good, he had reprogrammed
the bloody controls—fixin’ it so a signal from the helm console would activate a special subroutine. A
minute later, by which time Kelso would already have entered the turbolift, the transporter would activate
itself—and he’d be beamed directly to the transporter platform.”
Stiles shot a look at the captain. “Interesting.”
Kirk was more than a little discomfited by the tale. “You can say that again,” he replied.
“And now,” said Scotty, “we’ll hear from Lieutenant Dezago.”
The lieutenant, a man with blunt features and closely cropped brown hair, was the ship’s backup
communications officer. Taking the engineer’s place at the lectern, he scanned the faces in the audience.
“I wish I could tell you I shared a lot of funny moments with Lee Kelso,” he began. “Maybe I did and I
just don’t remember them; I guess that would be my loss. What I do remember is this—lying beside a
crashing waterfall on Arronus Seven, my forehead bleeding from a three-inch gash and my right leg
broken in two places, while a half-dozen Klingons advanced through the jungle to finish me off.”
The captain recalled the incident—a simple survey mission turned deadly. But then, how were they to
know the planet’s crust contained mineral deposits the Klingons coveted?
“I thought I was a dead man,” said Dezago, “and they’d be shipping me back to Earth in a duranium
container just like this one. Then, all of a sudden, I saw Kelso kneeling beside me. I don’t think he’d
mind[13]my saying he looked scared. Petrified, in fact. After all, there were a lot more of those Klingons
than there were of us, and the vast likelihood was that we would both die on that ball of mud fifty
light-years from home.”
The communications officer’s brow furrowed as he remembered. “But I’m here to tell you Kelso stood
his ground, scared or not. He stayed there with me, and he just kept firing and firing, and I kept firing
too—and after what seemed like an impossibly long time, the captain and Mr. Spock arrived with a
squad’s worth of reinforcements.”