
who tries to break into your home. If you've really got the scratch, you can get yourself a living sculpture,
something crafted out of precious stones and metals, then magically animated. Just the thing for the coffee
table or the breakfast nook. Me, I'm at the low end of the scale, and I make no bones about it. I'm your basic
thaumagene, economy-class model, one of the two traditional categories of pet. You got your dogs, and you
got your cats. Look normal, act pretty much like they're supposed to, only with highly developed brains and
the capacity to speak and reason. We're the most inexpensive kind of thaumagene, and, consequently,
there's more of us around.
Personally, I like the way I am. I'd rather look like an ordinary cat than like some high-toned piece of living art.
I'm not pretentious, just your basic milk and kibbles kind of guy. Black, with white markings on my face and
paws. I've got one distinguishing characteristic, though, and that's Betsy, my magic Chinese turquoise
eyeball. See, I never had what you might call a normal sort of life, normal for a thaumagene, at any rate. Back
when I was still a kitten, even then, I had my pride. Sitting in a window of a thaumagene shop, mewing and
pawing at the glass each time some skirt came by to take a peek and mutter, "Oh, how cute"-no, sir, not my
style. I wanted out. And so I slipped the lock on my little cubicle one night and struck out on my own. Guess
I've always been the independent type.
Those were lean and hungry days. Living by my wits in the alleys and back streets of Sante Fe, New Mexico,
scratching and clawing for survival, eating out of garbage cans and dumpsters, sleeping in basement window
wells and thrown-out cardboard boxes, it wasn't easy, I can tell you that. But it was freedom, Jack, and I
loved the sweet and heady taste of it. I never knew the pampered life, and I guess that made me what I am
today. I had my share of scraps, some of which I won and some of which I lost, but as I grew older and leaner
and meaner, the losses came less frequently. It was in one of those scraps in which I barely squeaked
through by the skin of my tail that I lost my eye. Ran into a dog that wanted what I'd scored for dinner. I was
hungry and I didn't want to share. Well, turned out the dog was a coyote, and by the time he decided I was
more trouble than I was worth, I'd gotten chewed up pretty bad. Scratch one eyeball. Hurt like hell, but I had
the satisfaction of not backing down. Stupid? Maybe, but you back down once, you'll back down twice, and it
can get to be a habit. I've got enough bad habits as it is.
Enter Paulie. Professor Paul Ramirez was his full name, and he was Dean of the College of Sorcerers at the
university. He found me in the street, where I'd collapsed, too tired and too weak and too full of pain to move
another step. He picked me up and took me home with him, and I was so messed up, I didn't have the
strength to argue. He nursed me back to health and, when I got better, took me to a thaumagenetic vet. I
could've had a brand-new eyeball, cloned and grown in a vat, but Paul was not a rich man, despite being a
sorcerer. He was a teacher, and teachers do it for the love of teaching. It sure as hell ain't for the money. The
best he could do for me was a prosthetic eyeball, made of turquoise. It was a stone he'd had around,
intending to get it made into a ring someday, but he gave it to the vet, who cut it and set it nicely in my eye
socket.
Frankly, I liked it a lot better than some fancy, cut-glass eye. It's a Chinese turquoise, of a beautiful,
robin's-egg-blue shade, with a fine, vertical matrix running through it that almost resembles a feline pupil. I
thought it gave me character, and the other felines in the neighborhood agreed. A foxy, little alabaster Persian
by the name of Snowball dubbed me Catseye, and the handle stuck. Catseye Gomez I became,
unregenerate hardcase and all-around troubleshooter.
I never did become a pet. Paulie was an all-right guy, but I was just too damned set in my ways to change.
You want some servile creature that gets all excited when you come walking through the door, rubs up
against your legs and has an orgasm when you stroke it, go get yourself a poodle, man, that ain't my thing.
But Paulie understood that. We were both loners, in our way, and we just sort of took up with each other,
both of us coming and going pretty much the way we pleased. Paulie had his career, I had my wandering
ways.
Every now and then, Paulie'd have a bunch of students from the college over for some Java and late-night
conversation. One time, one of them left behind a book. Something he'd been reading for a pre-Collapse
literature class. I found it on the floor. The ability to read had been bred into me, but up to then, all I'd ever
read were labels on greasy, thrown-out cans of tuna I'd picked out of the garbage, and the oil soaked
newspapers fish heads were wrapped in. This was something new. I read the tide. I, the Jury, by some guy
named Spillane.
It was a tale about a private eye named Hammer. Mike Hammer. Tough guy who packed a .45 and took no
crap from anybody. Once I'd started it, I couldn't stop till I had read it all. This Hammer was a guy after my
own heart, an hombre I could really understand. It was like coming home. This guy Spillane knew about the
hard life. He knew the streets and alleys, the shadows where the lizards lurk, the baser side of human
nature-of all nature, for that matter- and the never-give-an-inch attitude it takes to make it through the cold,
dark night. Man, I was hooked.
When Paulie got home, all I could talk about was this guy Spillane, and the stories he told about Mike
Hammer, and I wanted more. Paulie'd never heard of him, but he found that kid's professor and asked him