Asprin, Robert - Myth 03 - Myth Directions

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This Ace Fantasy Book contains the complete

text of the original trade edition.

It has been completely reset in a typeface

designed for easy reading, and was printed

from new film.

MYTH DIRECTIONS

An Ace Fantasy Book / published by arrangement with

Starblaze Editions of The Donning Company / Publishers

PRINTING HISTORY

Starblaze edition published 1982

Ace edition / June 1985

Second printing / September 1985

Cover art by Walter Velez

This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part,

by mimeograph or any other means, without permission.

For information address: The Donning Company/Publishers

5659 Virginia Beach Blvd., Norfolk, Virginia 23502.

ISBN: 0-441-55527-6

Ace Fantasy Books are published by The Berkley Publishing Group,

200 Madison Avenue, New York, New York 10016.

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Chapter One:

"Dragons and Demons and Kings,

Oh my!"

—THE COWARDLY KLAHD

"THIS place stinks!" my scaly mentor snarled, glar-

ing out the window at the rain.

"Yes, Aahz," I agreed meekly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he snapped,

turning his demon's speckled gold eyes on me.

"It means," I gulped, "that I agree with you. The

Kingdom of Possiltum, and the palace specifically,

stink to high heaven—both figuratively and liter-

ally."

"Ingratitude!" Aahz made his appeal to the ceil-

ing. "I lose my powers to a stupid practical joker,

and instead of concentrating on getting them back, I

take on some twit of an apprentice who doesn't have

any aspirations higher than being a thief, train him,

groom him, and get him a job paying more than he

could spend in two lifetimes, and what happens? He

complains! I suppose you think you could have done

better on your own?"

2 Robert Asprin

It occurred to me that Aahz's guidance had also

gotten me hung, embroiled in a magik duel with a

master magician, and recently, placed in the unen-

viable position of trying to stop the world's largest

army with a handful of down-at-the -heels demons. It

also occurred to me that this was not the most tactful

time to point out these minor nerve-jangling in-

cidents.

"I'm sorry, Aahz," I grovelled. "Possiltum is a

pretty nice kingdom to work for."

"It stinks!" he declared, turning to the window

again.

I stifled a sigh. A magician's lot is not a happy one.

I stole that saying from a tune Aahz sings off and on

. . . key. More and more, I was realizing the truth of

the jingle. As the court magician to my king I had

already endured a great deal more than I had ever

bargained for.

Actually the king of Possiltum isn't my king. I'm

his royal magician, an employee at best.

Aahz isn't my demon, either. I'm his apprentice,

trying desperately to learn enough magik to warrant

my aforementioned lofty title.

Gleep is definitely my dragon, though. Just ask

Aahz. Better still, ask anyone in the court of Possi-

ltum. Anytime my pet wreaks havoc with his playful

romping, I get the blame and J.R. Grimble, the

king's chancellor, deducts the damages from my

wages.

Naturally, this gets Aahz upset. In addition to

managing my magik career, Aahz also oversees our

finances. Well, that's something of an understate-

ment. He shamelessly bleeds the kingdom for every

monetary consideration he can get for us (which is

considerable) and watches over our expenses. When

it comes to spending our ill-gotten wealth, Aahz

MYTH DIRECTIONS 3

would rather part with my blood. As you might

guess, we argue a lot over this.

Gleep is understanding though; which is part of the

reason I keep him around. He's quite intelligent and

understanding for a baby dragon with a one word vo-

cabulary. I spend a considerable amount of time tell-

ing him my troubles, and he always listens attentively

without interrupting or arguing or shouting about

how stupid I am. This makes him better company

than Aahz.

It says something about one's lifestyle when the

only one you can get sympathy from is a dragon.

Unfortunately, on this particular day I was cut off

from my pet's company. It was raining, and when it

rains in Possiltum, it doesn't kid around. Gleep is to

big to live indoors with us, and the rain made the

courtyard impassable, so I couldn't reach the stables

where he was quartered. What was more, I couldn't

risk roaming the halls of the castle for fear of run-

ning into the king. If that happened, he would

doubtless ask when I was going to do something

about the miserable weather. Weather control was

not one of my current skills, and I was under strict

orders from Aahz to avoid the subject at all costs. As

such, I was stuck waiting out the rain in my own

quarters. That in itself wouldn't be so bad, if it

wasn't for the fact that I shared those quarters with

Aahz.

Rain made Aahz grouchy, or I should say

grouchier than usual. I'd rather be locked in a small

cage with an angry spider-bear than be alone in a

room with Aahz when he's in a bad mood.

"There must be something to do," Aahz grum-

bled, begging to pace the floor. "I haven't been this

bored since the Two Hundred Year Siege."

"You could teach me about dimension travel," I

suggested hopefully.

Robert Asprin

MYTH DIRECTIONS

This was one area of magik Aahz had steadfastly

refused to teach me. As I mentioned earlier, Aahz is a

demon, short for "dimension traveler." Most of my

close friends these days were demons, and I was eager

to add dimension traveling to my meager list of skills.

"Don't make me laugh, kid." Aahz laughed

harshly. "At the rate you're learning, it would take

more than two hundred years to teach it to you."

"Oh," I said, crestfallen. "Well—you could tell

me about the Two Hundred Year Siege."

"The Two Hundred Year Siege," Aahz murmured

dreamily, smiling slightly to himself. Large groups of

armed men have been known to turn pale and trem-

ble visibly before Aahz's smile.

"There isn't much to tell," he began, leaning

against a table and hefting a large pitcher of wine.

"It was me and another magician, Diz-Ne. He was a

snotty little upstart... you remind me a bit of him."

"What happened?" I urged, anxious to get the

conversation away from me.

"Well, once he figured out he couldn't beat me flat

out, he went defensive," Aahz reminisced. "He was

a real nothing magikally, but he knew his defense

spells. Kept me off his back for a full two hundred

years, even though we drained most of the magik

energies of that dimension in the process."

"Who won?" I pressed eagerly.

Aahz cocked an eyebrow at me over the lip of the

wine pitcher.

"I'm telling the story, kid," he pointed out. "You

figure it out."

I did, and swallowed hard.

"Did you kill him?"

"Nothing that pleasant," Aahz smiled. "What I

did to him once I got through his defenses will last a

lot longer than two hundred years—but 1 guarantee

you, he won't get bored."

"Why were you fighting?" I asked in a desperate

effort to forestall the images my mind was manufac-

turing.

"He welshed on a bet," my mentor shrugged,

hefting the wine again.

"That's all?"

"That's enough," Aahz insisted grimly. "Bet-

ting's a serious matter—in any dimension."

"Urn—Aahz?" I frowned. "Weren't Big Julie and

his men running from gambling debts when we met

them?"

That's the army I mentioned earlier. Big Julie and

his men were currently disguised as happy citizens of

Possiltum.

"That's right, kid," Aahz nodded.

"Then that's why you said the loansharks would

probably come looking for them," I declared trium-

phantly.

"Wrong," Aahz said firmly.

"Wrong?" I blinked.

"I didn't say they'd probably come looking," he

corrected. "I said they would come looking. Bank on

it. There are only two questions involved here: When

are they coming, and what are you going to do about

it?"

"I don't know about the 'when,' " I commented

with careful deliberation, "but I've given some

thought to what I'm going to do."

"And you've decided—" Aahz prompted.

"To grab our money and run!" I declared.

"That's why I want to learn dimension travel. I

figure there won't be anywhere in this dimension we

could hide, and that means leaving Klah for greener,

safer pastures."

Aahz was unmoved.

"If push comes to shove," he yawned, "we can

use the D-Hopper. As long as we've got a mechanical

means of traveling to other dimensions, there's no

need for you to learn how to do it magically."

6 Robert Asprin

"C'mon, Aahz!" I exploded. "Why won't you

teach me? What makes dimension traveling so hard

to learn?"

Aahz studied me for a long moment, then heaved a

big sigh. "All right, Skeeve," he said. "If you listen

up, I'll try to sketch it out for you."

I listened. With every pore, I listened. Aahz didn't

call me by my given name often, and when he did, it

was serious.

"The problem is that to travel the dimensions,

even using pentacles for beacons—gateways—re-

quires knowing your destination dimension . . .

knowing it almost as well as your home dimension. If

you don't, then you can get routed into a dimension

you aren't even aware of, and be trapped there with

no way out."

He paused to take another drink from the wine

pitcher.

"Now, you've only been in one dimension besides

Klah," he continued. "That was Deva, and you only

saw the Bazaar. You know the Bazaar well enough to

know it's constantly changing and rearranging. You

don't know it well enough to have zeroed in on the

few permanent fixtures you could use to home in on

for a return trip, so effectively, you don't know any

other dimensions well enough to be sure of your

destination if you tried to jump magikally. That's

why you can't travel the dimensions without using

the D-Hopper! End of lecture."

I blinked.

"You mean the only reason I can't do it magikally

is because I don't know the other dimensions?" I

asked.

"That's the main reason," Aahz corrected.

"Then let's go!" I cried, leaping to my feet. "I'll

get the D-Hopper and you can show me a couple new

dimensions while we're waiting for the rain to stop."

"Not so fast, kid!" Aahz interrupted, holding up a

MYTH DIRECTIONS 7

restraining hand." Sit down."

"What's wrong?" I challenged.

"Do you really think that possibility hadn't oc-

curred to me?" he asked, an edge of irritation creep-

ing into his voice.

I thought about it, and sat down again.

"Why don't you think it's a good idea?" I queried

in a more humble tone.

"There are a few things you've overlooked in your

enthusiasm," he intoned dryly. "First of all, remem-

ber that in another dimension, you'll be a demon.

Now, except for Deva which makes its money on

cross-dimension trade, most dimensions don't greet

demons with flowers and red carpets. The fact is, a

demon is likely to be attacked on sight by whoever's

around with whatever's handy."

He leaned forward to emphasize his words. "What

I'm trying to say is, it's dangerous! Now, if we went

touring and ran into trouble; what do we have to de-

fend ourselves? I've lost my powers and yours are

still so undeveloped as to be practically non-existent.

Who's going to handle the natives?"

"How dangerous is it?" I asked hesitantly.

"Let me put it to you this way, kid," Aahz sighed.

"You spend a lot of time griping about how I keep

putting your life in jeopardy with my blatant disre-

gard for danger. Right?"

"Right." I nodded vigorously.

"Well, now I'm saying the trip you're proposing is

dangerous. Does that give you a clue as to what

you'll be up against?"

I leaned back in my chair and stretched, trying to

make it look nonchalant.

"How abut sharing some of that wine?" I sug-

gested casually.

For a change, Aahz didn't ignore the request. He

tossed the pitcher into the air as he rose and strode to

the window again. Reaching out with my mind, I

Robert Asprin

gently grabbed the pitcher and brought it floating to

my outstretched hand without spilling a drop.

As I said, I am the court magician of Possiltum.

I'm not without powers.

"Don't let it get you down, kid," Aahz called

from the window. "If you keep practicing, someday

we can take that tour under your protection. But

until you reach that level, or until we find you a

magikal bodyguard, it'll just have to wait."

"I suppose you're right, Aahz," I conceded. "It's

just that sometimes..."

There was a soft BAMF! as the ether was rent

asunder and a demon appeared in the room. Right

there! In my private quarters in the Possiltum royal

palace!

Before I could recover from my surprise or Aahz

could move to intervene, the demon plopped itself

onto my lap and planted a big, warm kiss full on my

mouth.

"Hi, handsome!" it purred. "How's tricks?"

Chapter Two:

"When old friends get together,

everything else fades to insignifi-

cance."

—WAR, FAMINE, PESTILENCE,

AND DEATH

"TANDA!" I exclaimed, recovering from shock suffi-

ciently to fasten my arms around her waist in an

energetic hug.

"In the flesh!" she winked, pressing hard against

me.

My temperature went up several degrees, or maybe

it was the room. Tananda has that effect on me—and

rooms. Lusciously curvaceous, with a mane of light

green hair accenting her lovely olive complexion and

features, she could stop a twenty-man brawl with a

smile and a deep sigh.

"He isn't the only one in the room, you know,"

Aahz commented dryly.

"Hi, Aahz!" my adorable companion cried, un-

tangling herself from my lap and throwing herself

into Aahz's arms.

The volume of Tananda's affections is exceeded

only by her willingness to share them. I had a secret

10 Robert Asprin

belief, though, that Tananda liked me better than she

liked Aahz. This belief was tested for strength as

their greeting grew longer and longer.

"Um . . . what brings you to these parts?" I inter-

rupted at last.

That earned me a dark look from Aahz, but

Tananda didn't bat an eye.

"Well," she dimpled, "I could say I was just in the

neighborhood and felt like dropping by, but that

wouldn't be true. The fact is, I need a little favor."

"Name it," Aahz and I declared simultaneously.

Aahz is tight-fisted and I'm chicken, but all bets

are off when it comes to Tananda. She had helped us

out of a couple of tight spots in the past, and we both

figured we owed her. The fact she had helped us into

as many tight spots as she had helped us out of never

entered our minds. Besides—she was awfully nice to

have around.

"It's nothing really," she sighed. "I have a little

shopping to do and was hoping I could borrow one

of you two to help me carry things."

"You mean today?" Aahz frowned.

"Actually, for the next couple days," Tananda in-

formed him. "Maybe as long as a week."

"Can't do it," Aahz sighed. "I have to referee a

meeting between Big Julie and General Badaxe

tomorrow. Any chance you could postpone it until

next week?"

"Ummm . . . you weren't the one I was thinking

of, Aahz," Tananda said, giving the ceiling a casual

survey. "I was thinking Skeeve and I could handle

it."

"Me?" I blinked.

Aahz scowled.

"Not a chance," he declared. "The kid can't play

step-and-fetch-it for you. It's beneath his dignity."

"No, it isn't!" I cried. "I mean, if it wouldn't be

beneath you. Aahz, how could it be beneath me?"

MYTH , DIRECTIONS 11

"I'm not the court magician of Possiltum!" he

argued.

"I can disguise myself!" I countered. "That's one

of my best spells. You've said so yourself."

"I think your scaly green mentor is just a lee-tie bit

jealous," Tananda observed, winking at me covertly.

"Jealous?" Aahz exploded. "Me? Jealous of a

little ..." He broke off and looked back and forth

between Tananda and myself as he realized he was

being baited.

"Oh—I suppose it would be okay," he grumbled

at last. "Go ahead and take him—even though it's

beyond me what you expect to find in this backwater

dimension worth shopping for."

"Oh, Aahz!" Tananda laughed. "You're a card.

Shopping in Klah? I may be a little flighty from time

to time, but I'm not crazy."

"You mean we're headed for other dimensions?" I

asked eagerly.

"Of course," she nodded. "We have quite an

itinerary ahead of us. First, we'll hop over to—"

"What's an itinerary?" I asked.

"Stop!" Aahz shouted, holding up a hand for si-

lence.

"But I was just—"

"Stop!"

"We were—"

"Stop!"

Our conversation effectively halted, we turned our

attention to Aahz. With melodramatic slowness, he

folded his arms across his chest.

"No, "he said.

"No?" I shrieked. "But, Aahz ..."

" 'But, Aahz' nothing," he barked back. "I said

'No'and I meant it."

"Wait a minute," Tananda interceded, stepping

between us. "What's the problem, Aahz?"

"If you think I'm going to let my apprentice go

12 Robert Asprin

traipsing around the dimensions alone and unpro-

tected—"

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ThisAceFantasyBookcontainsthecompletetextoftheoriginaltradeedition.Ithasbeencompletelyresetinatypefacedesignedforeasyreading,andwasprintedfromnewfilm.MYTHDIRECTIONSAnAceFantasyBook/publishedbyarrangementwithStarblazeEditionsofTheDonningCompany/PublishersPRINTINGHISTORYStarblazeeditionpublished1982Ac...

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