Robert Asprin - Myth 02 - Myth Conceptions

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Chapter One:

"Life is a series of rude awakenings."

—R. V. WINKLE

OF all the various unpleasant ways to be aroused

from a sound sleep, one of the worst is the noise of a

dragon and a unicorn playing tag.

I pried one eye open and blearily tried to focus on

the room. A chair toppled noisily to the floor, con-

vincing me the blurred images my mind was receiving

were due at least in part to the irregular vibrations

coming from the floor and walls. One without my

vast storehouse of knowledge (hard won and pain-

fully endured) might be inclined to blame the pande-

monium on an earthquake. I didn't. The logic behind

this conclusion was simple. Earthquakes were ex-

tremely uncommon in this area. A dragon and a

unicorn playing tag wasn't.

It was starting out as an ordinary day . . . that is,

ordinary if you're a junior magician apprenticed to a

demon.

If I had been able to predict the future with any

MYTH CONCEPTIONS 3

Robert Asprin

degree of accuracy and thus forsee the events to

come, I probably would have stayed in bed. I mean,

fighting has never been my forte, and the idea of tak-

ing on a whole army . . . but I'm getting ahead of

myself.

The thud that aroused me shook the building, ac-

companied by the crash of various dirty dishes shat-

tering on the floor. The second thud was even more

spectacular.

I considered doing something. I considered going

back to sleep. Then I remembered my mentor's con-

dition when he had gone to bed the night before.

That woke me up fast. The only thing nastier than

a demon from Perv is a demon from Perv with a

hangover.

I was on my feet and headed for the door in a

flash. (My agility was a tribute more to my fear

rather than to any inborn talent.) Wrenching the

door open, I thrust my head outside and surveyed the

terrain. The grounds outside the inn seemed normal.

The weeds were totally out of hand, more than chest

high in places. Something would have to be done

about them someday, but my mentor didn't seem to

mind their riotous growth, and since I was the logical

candidate to cut them if I raised the point, I decided

once again to keep silent on the subject.

Instead, I studied the various flattened patches and

newly torn paths in the overgrowth, trying to deter-

mine the location or at least the direction of my quar-

ries' movement. I had almost convinced myself that

the silence was at least semipermanent and it would

be all right to go back to sleep, when the ground

began to tremble again. I sighed and shakily drew

myself up to my full height, what there was of it, and

prepared to meet the onslaught.

The unicorn was the first to come into view, great

clumps of dirt flying from beneath his hooves as he

ducked around the corner of the inn on my right.

"Buttercup!" I shouted in my most authoritative

tone.

A split second later I had to jump back into the

shelter of the doorway to avoid being trampled by the

speeding beast. Though a bit miffed at his disobe-

dience, I didn't really blame him. He had a dragon

chasing him, and dragons are not notoriously agile

when it comes to quick stops.

As if acting on a cue from my thoughts, the dragon

burst into view. To be accurate, he didn't really

burst, he thudded, shaking the inn as he rebounded

off the corner. As I said, dragons are not notoriously

agile.

"Gleep!" I shouted. "Stop it this instant!"

He responded by taking an affectionate swipe at

me with his tail as he bounded past. Fortunately for

me, the gesture went wide of its mark, hitting the inn

with another jarring thud instead.

So much for my most authoritative tone. If our

two faithful charges were any more obedient, I'd be

lucky to escape with my life. Still I had to stop them.

Whoever came up with the immortal quote about

waking sleeping dragons had obviously never had to

contend with a sleeping demon.

I studied, the two of them chasing each other

through the weeds for a few moments, then decided

to handle this the easy way. Closing my eyes, I envi-

sioned both of them, the dragon and the unicorn.

Then I superimposed the image of the dragon over

that of the unicorn, fleshed it out with a few strokes

of my mental paintbrush, then opened my eyes.

To my eyes, the scene was the same, a dragon and

Robert Asprin

a unicorn confronting each other in a field of weeds.

But, of course, I had cast the spell, so naturally I

wouldn't be taken in. Its true effect could be read in

Gleep's reaction.

He cocked his head and peered at Buttercup, first

from this angle, then that, stretching his long serpen-

tine neck to its limits. Then he swiveled his head until

he was looking backward and repeated the process,

scanning the surrounding weeds. Then he looked at

Buttercup again.

To his eyes, his playmate had suddenly disap-

peared, to be replaced by another dragon. It was all

very confusing, and he wanted his playmate back.

In my pet's defense, when I speak of his lack of

agility, both physically and mentally, I don't mean to

imply he is either clumsy or stupid. He's young,

which also accounts for his mere ten-foot length and

half-formed wings. I fully expect that when he ma-

tures—in another four or five hundred years—he will

be very deft and wise, which is more than I can say

for myself. In the unlikely event I should live that

long, all I'll be is old.

"Gleep?"

The dragon was looking at me now. Having

stretched his limited mental abilities to their utmost,

he turned to me to correct the situation or at least

provide an explanation. As the perpetrator of the

situation causing his distress, I felt horribly guilty.

For a moment, I wavered on the brink of restoring

Buttercup's normal appearance.

"If you're quite sure you're making enough

noise. ..."

I winced at the deep, sarcastic tones booming close

behind me. All my efforts were for naught. Aahz was

awake.

MYTH CONCEPTIONS 5

I assumed my best hangdog attitude and turned to

face him.

Needless to say, he looked terrible.

If, perchance, you think a demon covered with

green scales already looks terrible, you've never en-

countered one with a hangover. The normal gold

flecks in his yellow eyes were now copper, accented

by a throbbing network of orange veins. His lips were

drawn back in a painful grimace which exposed even

more of his pointed teeth than his frightening,

reassuring smile. Looming there, his fists clenched on

his hips, he presented a picture terrifying enough to

make a spider-bear faint.

I wasn't frightened, however. I had been with

Aahz for over a year now, and knew his bark was

worse than his bite. Then again, he had never bitten

me.

"Gee, Aahz," I said, digging a small hole with my

toe. "You're always telling me if I can't sleep

through anything, I'm not really tired."

He ignored the barb, as he so frequently does when

I catch him on his own quotes. Instead he squinted

over my shoulder at the scene outside.

"Kid," he said. "Tell me you're practicing. Tell

me you haven't really scrounged up another stupid

dragon to make our lives miserable."

"I'm practicing!" I hastened to reassure him.

To prove the point, I quickly restored Buttercup's

normal appearance.

"Gleep!" said Gleep happily, and the two of them

were off again.

"Really, Aahz," I said innocently to head off his

next caustic remark. "Where would I find another

dragon in this dimension?"

"If there was one to be found here on Klah, you'd

6 Robert Asprin

find it," he snarled. "As I recall, you didn't have

that much trouble finding this one the first time I

turned my back on you. Apprentices!"

He turned and retreated out of the sunlight into the

dim interior of the inn.

"If I recall," I commented, following him, "that

was at the Bazaar on Deva. I couldn't get another

dragon there because you won't teach me how to

travel through the dimensions."

"Get off my case, kid!" he moaned. "We've been

over it a thousand times. Dimension traveling is

dangerous. Look at me! Stranded without my powers

in a back-assward dimension like Klah, where the

lifestyle is barbaric and the food is disgusting."

"You lost your powers because Garkin laced his

special effects cauldron with that joke powder and

then got killed before he could give you the an-

tidote," I pointed out.

"Watch out how you talk about your old

teacher," Aahz warned. "The old slime-monger was

inclined to get carried away with practical jokes once

in a while, true. But he was a master magician . . .

and a friend of mine. If he wasn't, I wouldn't have

saddled myself with his mouthy apprentice," he

finished, giving me a meaningful look.

"I'm sorry, Aahz," I apologized. "It's just that

\_"

"Look, kid," he interrupted wearily, "if I had my

powers—which I don't—and if you were ready to

learn dimension hopping—which you aren't—we

could give it a try. Then, if you miscalculated and

dumped us into the wrong dimension, I could get our

tails out before anything bad happened. As things

stand, trying to teach you dimension hopping would

be more dangerous than playing Russian roulette."

MYTH CONCEPTIONS 7

"What's russian?" I asked.

The inn shook as Gleep missed the corner turn

again.

"When are you going to teach your stupid dragon

to play on the other side of the road?" Aahz snarled,

craning his neck to glare out a window.

"I'm working on it, Aahz," I insisted soothingly.

"Remember, it took me almost a whole year to

housebreakhim."

"Don't remind me," Aahz grumbled. "If I had

my way, we'd..."

He broke off suddenly and cocked his head to one

side.

"You'd better disguise that dragon, kid," he an-

nounced suddenly. "And get ready to do your 'dubi-

ous character' bit. We're about to have a visitor."

I didn't contest the information. We had estab-

lished long ago that Aahz's hearing was much more

acute than mine.

"Right, Aahz," I acknowledged and hurried about

my task.

The trouble with using an inn for a base of opera-

tions, however abandoned or weather-beaten it might

be, was that occasionally people would stop here

seeking food and lodging. Magik was still outlawed

in these lands, and the last thing we wanted was

witnesses.

Chapter Two:

"First impressions, being the longest

lasting, are of utmost importance."

—J. CARTER

AAHZ and I had acquired the inn under rather dubi-

ous circumstances. Specifically, we claimed it as our

rightful spoils of war after the two of us (with the as-

sistance of a couple of allies, now absent) had routed

Isstvan, a maniac magician, and sent him packing

into far dimensions along with all his surviving ac-

complices. The inn had been Isstvan's base of oper-

ations. But now it was ours. Who Isstvan had gotten

it from and how, I didn't want to know. Despite

Aahz's constant assurances, I lived in dread of en-

countering the inn's rightful owner.

I couldn't help remembering all this as I waited

outside the inn for our visitor. As I said, Aahz has

very good hearing. When he tells me he hears some-

thing "close by," he frequently forgets to mention

that "close by" may be over a mile away.

I have also noted, over the course of our friend-

ship, that his hearing is curiously erratic. He can hear

MYTH CONCEPTIONS 9

a lizard-bird scratching itself half a mile away, but

occasionally seems unable to hear the politest of re-

quests no matter how loudly I shout them at him.

There was still no sign of our rumored visitor. I

considered moving back inside the inn out of the late

morning sun, but decided against it. I had carefully

arranged the scene for our guest's arrival, and I hated

to disrupt it for such a minor thing as personal com-

fort.

I had used the disguise spell liberally on Buttercup,

Gleep, and myself. Gleep now looked like a unicorn,

a change that did not seem to bother Buttercup in the

slightest. Apparently unicorns are less discriminating

about their playmates than are dragons. I had made

them both considerably more disheveled and un-

kempt-looking than they actually were. This was

necessary to maintain the image set forth by my own

appearance.

Aahz and I had decided early in our stay that the

best way to handle unwanted guests was not to

threaten them or frighten them away, but rather to be

so repulsive that they left of their own accord. To this

end, I had slowly devised a disguise designed to con-

vince strangers they did not want to be in the same

inn with me, no matter how large the inn was or how

many other people were there. In this disguise, I

would greet wayward travelers as the proprietor of

the inn.

Modestly, I will admit the disguise was a screaming

success. In fact, that was the specific reaction many

visitors had to it. Some screamed, some looked ill,

others sketched various religious symbols in the air

between themselves and me. None of them elected to

spend the night.

When I experimented with various physical de-

10 Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 11

fects, Aahz correctly pointed out that many people

did not find any single defect revolting. In fact, in a

dimension such as Klah, most would consider it nor-

mal. To guarantee the desired effect, I adopted many

of them.

When disguised, I walked with a painful limp, had

a hump-back, and a deformed hand which was no-

ticeably diseased. What teeth remained were twisted

and stained, and the focus of one of my eyes had a

tendency to wander about independently of the

other. My nose—in fact, my entire face—was not

symmetrical, and as a masterstroke of my disguise

abilities, there appeared to be vicious-looking bugs

crawling about my mangy hair and tattered clothes.

The overall effect was horrifying. Even Aahz ad-

mitted he found it disquieting, which, considering the

things he's seen in his travels through the dimensions,

was high praise indeed.

My thoughts were interrupted as our visitor came

into view. He sat ramrod-straight astride a huge,

flightless riding bird. He carried no visible weapons

and wore no uniform, but his bearing marked him as

a soldier much more than any outer trappings could

have. His eyes were wary, constantly darting suspi-

ciously about as he walked his bird up to the inn in

slow, deliberate steps. Surprisingly enough, his gaze

passed over me several times without registering my

presence. Perhaps he didn't realize I was alive.

I didn't like this. The man seemed more the hunter

than the casual traveler. Still, he was here and had to

be dealt with. I went into my act.

"Does the noble sahr require a room?"

As I spoke I moved forward in my practical, roll-

ing gait. In case the subtlety of my disguise escaped

him, I allowed a large gob of spittle to ooze from

the corner of my mouth where it rolled unhindered

down to my chin.

For a moment the man's attention was occupied

controlling his mount. Flightless or not, the bird was

trying to take to the air.

Apparently my disguise had touched a primal

chord in the bird's mind that went back prior to its

flightless ancestry.

I waited, head cocked curiously, while the man

fought the bird to a fidgety standstill. Finally, he

turned his attention to me for a moment. Then he

averted his eyes and stared carefully at the sky.

"I come seeking the one known as Skeeve the

magician," he told me.

Now it was my turn to jump. To the best of my

knowledge, no one knew who I was and what I was,

much less where I was, except for Aahz and me.

"That's me!" I blurted out, forgetting myself and

using my real voice.

The man turned horrified eyes on me, and I

remembered my appearance.

"That's me master!" I amended hastily. "You

wait... I fetch."

I turned and scuttled hastily into the inn. Aahz was

waiting inside.

"What is it?" he demanded.

"He's ... he wants to talk to Skeeve ... to me!" I

babbled nervously.

"So?" he asked pointedly. "What are you doing

in here? Go outside and talk to the man."

"Looking like this?"

Aahz rolled his eyes at the ceiling in exasperation.

"Who cares what you look like?" he barked.

"C'mon, kid. The man's a total stranger!"

"I care!" I declared, drawing myself up haughtily.

MYTH CONCEPTIONS 13

Robert Asprin

"The man asked for Skeeve the magician, and I

think—"

"He what?" Aahz interrupted.

"He asked for Skeeve the magician," I repeated,

covertly studying the figure waiting outside.

"He looks like a soldier to me," I supplied.

"He looks scared to me," Aahz retorted. "Maybe

you should tone down your disguise a bit next time."

"Do you think he's a demon-hunter?" I asked

nervously.

Instead of answering my question, Aahz turned

abruptly from the window.

"If he wants a magician, we'll give him a magi-

cian," he murmured. "Quick, kid, slap the Garkin

disguise on me."

As I noted earlier, Garkin was my first magik in-

structor. An imposing figure with a salt-and-pepper

beard, he was one of our favorite and most oft-used

disguises. I could do Garkin in my sleep.

"Good enough, kid," Aahz commented, survey-

ing the results of my work. "Now follow close and let

me do the talking."

"Like this?" I exclaimed.

"Relax, kid," he reassured me. "For this conver-

sation I'm you. Understand?"

Aahz was already heading out through the door

without waiting for my reply, leaving me little choice

other than to follow along behind him.

"Who seeks an audience with the great Skeeve?"

Aahz bellowed in a resonant bass voice.

The man shot another nervous glance at me, then

drew himself up in stiff formality.

"I come as an emissary from his most noble

Majesty, Rodrick the Fifth, King of Possiltum,

who—"

"Where's Possiltum?" Aahz interrupted.

"I beg your pardon?" the man blinked.

"Possiltum," Aahz repeated. "Where is it?"

"Oh!" the man said with sudden understanding.

"It's the kingdom just east of here . . . other side of

the Ember River . .. you can't miss it."

"Okay," Aahz nodded. "Go on."

The man took a deep breath, then hesitated,

frowning.

"King of Possiltum," I prompted.

"Oh yes! Thanks." The man shot a quick smile,

then another quick stare, then continued, "King of

Possiltum, who sends his respects and greetings to

the one known as Skeeve the magician ..."

He paused and looked at Aahz expectantly. He

was rewarded with a polite nod of the head. Satis-

fied, the man continued.

"His Majesty extends an invitation to Skeeve the

magician to appear before the court of Possiltum

that he might be reviewed for his suitability for the

position of court magician."

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摘要：

ChapterOne:"Lifeisaseriesofrudeawakenings."—R.V.WINKLEOFallthevariousunpleasantwaystobearousedfromasoundsleep,oneoftheworstisthenoiseofadragonandaunicornplayingtag.Ipriedoneeyeopenandblearilytriedtofocusontheroom.Achairtopplednoisilytothefloor,con-vincingmetheblurredimagesmymindwasreceivingweredueat...

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Robert Asprin - Myth 02 - Myth Conceptions

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