Robert Asprin - Myth 08 - Myth-Nomers

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This Ace Book contains the complete

text of the original trade edition.

It has been completely reset in a typeface

designed for easy reading, and was printed

from new film.

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECT10NS

An Ace Book / published by arrangement with

Starblaze Editions of the Donning Company/Publishers

PRINTING HISTORY

Donning edition published 1987

Ace edition / November 1988

Cover art by Walter Velez.

This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part,

by mimeograph or any other means, without permission.

For information address: The Donning Company/Publishers,

5659 Virginia Beach Blvd., Norfolk, VA 23502.

ISBN: 0-441-55279-X

Ace Books are published by The Berkley Publishing Group,

200 Madison Avenue, New York, New York 10016.

The name "Ace" and the "A" logo are

trademarks belonging to Charter Communications, Inc.

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

10 98765432

Chapter One:

"Nobody's seen it all!"

—MARCO POLO

THOSE OF YOU who have been following my mishaps know

me as Skeeve (sometimes Skeeve the Great) and that I grew

up in the dimension Klah, which is not the center of culture

or progress for our age no matter how generously you look

at it. Of course, you also know that since I started chronicling

my adventures, I've knocked around a bit and seen a lot of

dimensions, so I'm not quite the easily impressed bumpkin

I was when I first got into the magik biz. Well, let me tell

you, no matter how sophisticated and jaded I thought I had

become, nothing I had experienced to date prepared me for

the sights that greeted me when I dropped in on the dimension

Perv.

The place was huge. Not that it stretched farther than any

other place I had been. I mean, a horizon is a horizon.

Right? Where it did go that other places I had visited hadn't,

was up!

None of the tents or stalls I was used to seeing at the

Bazaar at Deva were in evidence here. Instead, massive

2 Robert Asprin

buildings stretched up into the air almost out of sight. Ac-

tually, the buildings themselves were plainly in sight. What

was almost lost was the sky! Unless one looked straight up,

it.wasn't visible at all, and even then it was difficult to

believe that little strip of brightness so far overhead was

really the sky. Perhaps this might have been more impressive

if the buildings themselves were pleasanter to look at. Un-

fortunately, for the most part they had the style and grace

of an oversized outhouse . . . and roughly the same degree

of cleanliness. I wouldn't have believed that buildings so

high could give the impression of being squat, but these

did. After a few moments' reflection, I decided it was the

dirt.

It looked as if soot and grime had been accumulating in

layers on every available surface for generations, give or

take a century. I had a flash impression that if the dirt were

hosed from the buildings, they would collapse from the loss

of support. The image was fascinating and I amused myself

with it for a few moments before turning my attention to

the other noteworthy feature of the dimension: The People.

Now there are those who would contest whether the den-

izens of Perv qualified as "people" or not, but as a resident

of the Bazaar I had gotten into the habit of referring to all

intelligent beings as "people," no matter what they looked

like or how they used their intelligence. Anyway, whether

they were acknowledged as people or not, and whether they

were referred to as "Per-vects" or "Per-verts," there was

no denying there were a lot of them!

Everywhere you looked there were mobs of citizens, all

jostling and snarling at each other as they rushed here and

there. I had seen crowds at the Big Game that I thought

were rowdy and rude, but these teeming throngs won the

prize hands down when it came to size and rudeness.

The combined effect of the buildings and the crowds

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS 3

created a mixed impression of the dimension. I couldn't tell

if I was attracted or repelled, but overall I felt an almost

hypnotic, horrified fascination. I couldn't think of anything

I had seen or experienced that was anything like it.

"It looks like Manhattan . . . only more so!"

That came from Massha. She's supposed to be my appren-

tice . . . though you'd never know it. Not only is she older

than me, she's toured the dimensions more than I have.

Even though I've never claimed to be a know-it-all, it irri-

tates me when my apprentice knows more than I do.

"I see what you mean," I said, bluffing a little. "At

least, as much as we can see from here."

It seemed like a safe statement. We were currently stand-

ing in an alley which severely limited our view. Basically,

it was something to say without really saying anything.

"Aren't you forgetting something, though. Hot Stuff?"

Massha frowned, craning her neck to peer down the street.

So much for bluffing. Now that I had admitted noticing

the similarities between Perv and Man-hat-tin . . . wherever

that was, I was expected to comment on the differences.

Well, if there's one thing I learned during my brief stint as

a dragon poker player, it's that you don't back out of a bluff

halfway through it.

" Give me a minute," I said, making a big show of looking

in the same direction Massha was. "I'll get it."

What I was counting on was my apprentice's impatience.

I figured she would spill the beans before I had to admit I

didn't know what she was talking about. I was right.

"Long word . . . sounds like disguise spell?"

She broke off her examination of the street to shoot me

a speculative glance.

"Oh! Yeah. Right."

My residency at the Bazaar had spoiled me. Living at the

trading and merchandising hub of the dimensions had gotten

Robert Asprin

me used to seeing beings from numerous dimensions shop-

ping side by side without batting an eye. One tended to

forget that in other dimensions, off-world beings were not

only an oddity, occasionally they were downright unwel-

come.

Of course, Perv was one of those dimensions. What

Massha had noticed while I was gawking at the landscape

was that we were drawing more than a few hostile glares

as passersby noticed us at the mouth of the alley. I had

attributed that to two things: the well-known Pervish temper-

ament (which is notoriously foul), and Massha.

While my apprentice is a wonderful person, her appear-

ance is less than pin-up-girl caliber . . . unless you get

calendars from the local zoo. To say Massha would look

more natural with a few tick-birds walking back and forth

on her would be an injustice . . . she's never tried to look

natural. This goes beyond her stringy orange hair and larger-

than-large stature. I mean, anyone who wears green lipstick

and turquoise nail polish, not to mention a couple of tattoos

of dubious taste, is not trying for the Miss Natural look.

There was a time when I would get upset at people for

staring at Massha. She really is a wonderful person, even

if her taste in clothes and makeup would gag a goat. I finally

reached peace with it, however, after she pointed out that

she expected people to look at her and dressed accordingly.

All of this is simply to explain why it didn't strike me

as unusual that people were staring at us. Similarly, Pervish

citizens are noted for not liking anyone, and off-worlders

in particular, so the lack of warmth in the looks directed at

us did not seem noteworthy.

What Massha had reminded me of, though it shouldn't

have been necessary, is that we were now on Perv, their

home dimension, and instead of an occasional encounter

we would be dealing with them almost exclusively. As I

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS

said I should have realized it, but after years of hearing

about Perv, it was taking a while for it to sink in that I was

actually there.

Of course, there was no way we could be mistaken for

natives. The locals here had green scales, yellow eyes, and

pointed teeth, while Massha and I looked . . . well, normal.

In some way, I think it goes to show how unsettling the

Pervects look when I say that, by comparison, Massha looks

normal.

However, Massha was correct in pointing out that if I

hoped to get any degree of cooperation from the locals, I

was going to have to utilize a disguise spell to blend with

them. Closing my eyes, I got to work.

The disguise spell was one of the first spells I learned,

and I've always had complete confidence in it ... after the

first few times I used it, that is. For those who are interested

in technical details, it's sort of a blend of illusion and mind

control. Simply put, if you can convince yourself that you

look different, others will see it as well. That may sound

complicated, but it's really very simple and easy to leam.

Actors have been using it for centuries. Anyway, it's quite

easy, and in no time at all my disguise was in place and I

was ready to face Perv as a native.

"Nice work, Spell-slinger," Massha drawled with decep-

tive casualness. "But there's one minor detail you've over-

looked."

This time I knew exactly what she was referring to, but

decided to play it dumb. In case you're wondering, yes,

this is my normal modus operandi ... to act dumb when

I know what's going on, and knowledgeable when I'm totally

in the dark.

"What's that, Massha?" I said, innocently.

"Where's mine?"

There was a lot loaded into those two words, everything

6 Robert Asprin

from threats to a plea. This time, however, I wasn't going

to be moved. I had given the matter a lot of thought and

firmly resolved to stand by my decision.

"You aren't going to need a disguise, Massha. You aren't

staying."

"But, Skeeve ..."

"No!"

"But ..."

"Look, Massha," I said, facing her directly, "I ap-

preciate your wanting to help, but this is my problem. Aahz

is my partner, not to mention my mentor and best friend.

What's more, it was my thoughtlessness that got him so

upset he resigned from the firm and ran away. No matter

how you cut it, it's my job to find him and bring him back.''

My apprentice regarded me with folded arms and tight

lips.

"Agreed," she said.

"... So there's no point in your trying to ... what

did you say?"

"I said agreed," she repeated. "... As in, I agree it's

your job to bring Aahz back!"

That took me by surprise. I had somehow expected more

of an argument. Even now, it didn't look to me like she

had really given up the fight.

"Well, then ..."

"... And it's my job as your apprentice to tag along

and back your moves. By your own logic, Chief, I'm obli-

gated to you the same way you're obligated to Aahz."

It was a good argument, and for a moment I was tempted

to let her stay.

"Sorry, Massha," I said finally with real regret, "I can't

let you do it.''

"But ..."

"... Because you're going to be my stand-in when the

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS 7

rest of the team takes on Queen Hemlock."

That stopped her, as I thought it would, and she bit her

lip and stared into the distance as I continued.

"It's bad enough that the rest of the crew is going to

fight my battle for me, but to have both of us sit it out is

unthinkable. They're going to need all the help they can

get. Besides, part of the reason for having an apprentice is

so that I can be two places at once . . . isn't it?"

I figured that would end the discussion, but I underesti-

mated Massha's determination.

"Okay, then you lead the fight against Hemlock and /'//

fetch the Scaly Wonder."

I shook my head.

"C'mon, Massha. You know better than that. It was my

thoughtlessness that made him leave in the first place. If

anyone should, if anyone can make him come back it's got

to be me."

She muttered something under her breath that it's probably

just as well I didn't hear, but I was pretty sure it wasn't

wholehearted agreement. With one problem already at hand

from my lack of attentiveness to my associates' moods, I

thought it ill-advised to ignore the fact my apprentice was

upset.

"Look, can we take a few minutes and discuss what it

is that's really bothering you?" I said. "I'd just as soon we

didn't part company on an off note."

Massha pursed her lips for a few moments, then heaved

a great sigh.

"I just don't like the idea of your taking on this chore

alone, Skeeve. I know you know more magik than I do,

but this is one of the meanest of the known dimensions. I'd

feel better if you had a backup is all ... Even if it's just

a mechanic like me. These little toys of mine have helped

us out more than once in the past."

8 Robert Asprin

What she was referring to, of course, was her jewelry.

Nearly all the magik Massha used was of the gimmick variety

. . . magik rings, magik pendants, magik nose studs . . .

hence the nickname within the trade of "mechanic." She

was, however, polite enough to not stress too hard the fact

that her toys were often more effective and reliable than my

own "natural" form.

"You're right, Massha, and I'd love to have you along

. . . but you're needed more against Hemlock. Before you get

too worried, though, just remember I've handled some pretty

tough situations in the past."

"Those weren't on Perv and you usually had your partner

along to handle the rough stuff," she said bluntly. "You

don't even have a D-hopper along."

"I'll get it back from Aahz when I find him. If I'm

successful, we'll be along together. If not, I figure he'll

give me the D-hopper and set it for Klah just to be rid of me."

"... And if you can't find him at all?" Massha gestured

pointedly at the crowds on the street. "In case you haven't

noticed, this isn't going to be the easiest place to locate

someone."

For a change, I was confident when I answered.

"Don't worry about that. I'll find him. I've got a few

tricks up my sleeve for that chore. The trick is going to be

getting him to change his mind."

"Well, can you at least do one thing? As a favor to your

tired old apprentice?"

She tugged a ring off her left pinkie and handed it to me.

"Wear this," she said. "If you haven't shown up by the

end of the week, I'll come looking for you. This'll help me

locate you if you're still in this dimension ... or do you

want to run the risk of being stranded here?"

The ring fit loosely on my right thumb. Any larger, and

I would have had to wear it like a bracelet. Staring at it, a

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS

sudden suspicion flitted through my mind.

"What else does it do?"

"Beg pardon?" Massha replied with such innocence I

knew I was right.

"You heard me, apprentice. What does it do besides

provide a beacon?"

"Wellll ... it does monitor your heartbeat and alert me

if there's a sudden change in your physical condition, like

say if you were injured. If that happens, I might just drop

in a little early to see what's wrong."

I wasn't sure I liked that.

"But what if my heartbeat changed for normal reasons . . .

like because I met a beautiful girl close up?"

That earned me a bawdy wink.

"In that case, High Roller, I'd want to be here to meet

her. Can't have you running around with just anybody, can

we?"

Before I could think of a suitable reply, she swept me

into a bone-crushing hug.

"Take care of yourself, Skeeve," she whispered with

sudden ferocity. "Things wouldn't be the same without

you."

There was a soft pop in the air, and she was gone. I was

alone in Perv, the nastiest of the known dimensions.

Chapter Two:

"They don't make 'em like they used to!"

—H. FORD

ACTUALLY, I WASN'T as worried as you might think I'd

be from the situation. Like I'd told Massha, I had an ace

up my sleeve . . . and it was a beaut!

A while back, I was part . . . heck, I was the instigator

of a plan to force the Mob out of the Bazaar at Deva. I felt

it was only fair, since I was the one who had given them

access to the Bazaar in the first place, and besides, the

Devan Merchants' Association had paid me well to get the

Mob off their backs. Of course that was before the Mob

hired me to run their interests at the Bazaar, and the Bazaar

agreed to give me a house and pay me a percentage of the

profits to keep the Mob at bay. Sound confusing? It was . . .

a little. Fortunately, Aahz had shown me how the two assign-

ments weren't mutually exclusive and that it was ethically

possible to collect money from both sides . .. well, possible,

anyway. Is it any wonder that I prize his counsel so highly?

However, I digress.

During the initial skirmishes of that campaign, I had ac-

Robert Asprin

quired a litle souvenir that I had almost forgotten about until

I was getting ready for this quest. It wasn't much to look

at, just a small vial with its stopper held in place by a wax

seal, but I figured it just might mean the difference between

success and failure.

I probably could have mentioned it to Massha, but frankly

I was looking forward to taking the credit for having pulled

off this chore by myself. Smirking confidently, I glared

around to be sure I was unobserved, then broke the seal and

removed the stopper.

Now to really appreciate the full impact of this next bit,

you have to realize what I was expecting. Living at the

Bazaar, I had gotten used to some really showy stuff . . .

lightning bolts, balls of fire . . . you know, special effects

like that. It's a tight market, and glitz sells. Anyway, I was

braced for nearly anything, but I was expecting a billowing

cloud of smoke and maybe a thunderclap or a gong for

emphasis.

What I got was a soft pop, the same as you get pulling

a cork out of a bottle of flat soda, and a small puff of vapor

that didn't have enough body to it to make a decent smoke

ring. End of show. Period. Das ist alles.

To say I was a little disappointed would be like saying

Deveels dabbled in trade. Understatement to the max. I was

seriously considering whether to throw the bottle away in

disgust or actually try to get a refund out of the Deveel who

sold it to me, when I noticed there was something floating

in the air in front of me.

Actually, I should say it was someone floating in the air,

since it was clearly a figure ... or to be accurate, half a

figure. He was bare to the waist, and possibly beyond. I

couldn't tell because the image faded to invisibility below

his navel. He was wearing a fez low on his forehead so it

hid his eyes, and had his arms folded across his chest. His

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS 13

arms and torso were pretty muscular, and he might have

been impressive ... if he weren't so small! I had been

expecting something between my height and that of a three-

story building. What I got would have been maybe six to

eight inches high if all of him was visible. As it was, head

and torso only measured about three inches. Needless to

say, I was underwhelmed. Still, he was all I had and if

nothing else, over my various trials and adventures, I had

learned to make do with what was available.

"Kalvin?" I said, unsure of the proper form of address.

"Like, man, that's my name. Don't wear it out," the

figure replied without emerging from under his hat.

Now, I wasn't sure what our exact relationship was sup-

posed to be, but I was pretty sure this wasn't it, so I tried

again.

"Ummm ... do I have to point out that I am your Master

and therefore Ruler of your Destiny?"

"Oh, yeah?"

The figure extended one long finger and used it to push

the fez back to a point where he could look at me directly.

His eyes were a glowing blood red.

"Do you know what I am?"

The question surprised me, but I rallied gamely.

"Ah, I believe you're a Djin. Specifically a Djin named

Kalvin. The Deveel I bought you from said you were the

latest thing in Djins."

The little man shook his head.

"Wrong."

"But ..."

"What I am is drunk as a skunk!"

This last was accompanied by a conspiratorial wink.

"Drunk?!" I echoed.

Kalvin shrugged.

"What do you expect? I crawled into the bottle years

14 Robert Asprin

ago. I guess you could say I'm a Djin Rummy."

Whether my mouth was open from astonishment or to

say something, I'm not sure but I finally caught the twinkle

in his eye.

"Djin rummy. Cute. This is a gag, right?"

"Right as rain!" the Djin acknowledged, beaming at me

with a disarming smile. "Had you going for a minute, didn't

I?"

I started to nod, but he was still going strong.

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ThisAceBookcontainsthecompletetextoftheoriginaltradeedition.Ithasbeencompletelyresetinatypefacedesignedforeasyreading,andwasprintedfromnewfilm.MYTH-NOMERSANDIM-PERVECT10NSAnAceBook/publishedbyarrangementwithStarblazeEditionsoftheDonningCompany/PublishersPRINTINGHISTORYDonningeditionpublished1987Acee...

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