De Camp, L Sprague - The Unbeheaded King

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THE PALACE

LARGE COPPER BATHTUB, ITS POLISHED SURFACE REDLY

reflecting the light of the settmg sun, soared above the

snow-clad peaks of the Lograms. It wove around the lof-

tiest summits and scraped over the lower ones, betimes

with but a few cubits to spare.

"Gorax!" yelled one of the two men in the tub "I have

commanded thee not to miss those peaks so straitlyi

Wbuldst stop my old heart from sheer fright2 Next time,

go around!"

"What's his answer7" asked the other man.

The first cocked his head as if listening. At last he

spoke. "He says he is fain to get this )oumey over with

He also begs that I suffer him to alight on one of these

mountams to rest, but I know better. Did I permit him,

his last labor for me were completed. Away the fiend would

flit to his native dimension, leaving us stranded on an icy

mountain top."

The speaker was a small, lean, brown-skinned man in

a coarse brown robe. The wind of the tub's motion nppled

the silky white hair that hung down beneath his bulbous

THE UNBEHEADED KING

white turban and fluttered his vast white beard. He was

Karadur, a seer and wizard from Mulvan.

The other tub-nder was a large man m late youth, with

a ruddy complexion further reddened by the mountain

winds, deep-set dark eyes and black hair and beard, and a

scar across his face that put a slight kink in his nose. This

was lonan of Ardarnai m Konoli, once King of Xylar and,

before and since, a poet, mercenary soldier, professional

taleteller, bookkeeper, clockmaker, and surveyor.

Continuing an argument that had begun before they

narrowly missed the mountain peak, Karadur said. "But,

my son' To rush unprepared into such an adventure were

a sure formula for disaster We should instruct Gorax to

set us down m some safe land, where we have fnends, and

plan our next move."

"By the time we've done planning," said (onan, "the

Xylanans will have gotten word of my flight from Penem-

bei. I know, because when I was King, the secret service

was on its toes. Then they will set traps for me, hoping

I'll try to rescue Estnidis. And then...."

Jonan brought the edge of his hand sharply against his

neck. He alluded to the bloody Xylanan custom of cutting

off the king's head every five years and throwing it up for

grabs, the catcher to be the next king. Karadur's magic

had enabled ]onan to escape his own beheading. Ever since,

Xylar bad sought to recapture its fugitive king, to drag him

back and resume their interrupted ceremony so that his

successor could be chosen in the time-honored way.

"Besides," Jonan continued, "so long as Gorax remains

your slave, we have this aenal vehicle to approach the

palace from aloft. You yourself said that, if you permit

him to alight, that were the end of his services. Any earth-

bound attempt were rendered that much harder. Why think

you I brought this along?" He pointed to the coil of rope

lying at one end of King Ishbahar's tub. "Could you magic

that rope as you did the one in Xylar7"

Karadur shook his head. "Alas, nay! It requires the cap-

ture of a spirit from the Second Plane, for which I have

no present facilities." Then Karadur tned another tack. In

THE UNBEHEADED KING

his high, nasal voice, he droned on "But Jonan dear' The

world harbors many attractive women. Why must you

remain fixated upon this one? She is a nice girl; but you

have enjoyed many women, both dunng your kingship and

since. So it is not as if she were the only possible

mate—"

"I've told you before," growled lonan, "she's the one I

chose myself Those other four wives were picked for me

by the Regency Council Nought wrong with them; but

'twas an arrangement political. What would an ascetic old

sage like you know of love?"

"You forget that I, too, was once young, difficult though

you may find that to believe."

"Well, if King Fusinian of Kortoh could risk his life to

rescue his beloved Thanuda from the troll Vuum, I were

a recreant knave not to make an effort "

"There are still those other women of whom you have

had carnal knowledge since your escape "

"You can't blame me about the high priestess- I had

little choice in that matter "

"Aye; but there were others—"

lorian snorted. "I try to be faithful to Estnidis, but I'm

not yet able, after long abstinence, calmly to dismiss un-

plumbed a fair lass who crawls into bed with me, begging

that I pleasure her. When I reach your age, perhaps my

self-control will be equal to the challenge "

Karadur said "How know you the Xylanans have not

bestowed your Estnidis upon another^'

"They hadn't when my brother Kenn was there, re-

pairing their clocks. I suspect they save her as bait for me.

Through Kenn, I got word to her to hold out."

"Suppose her affections prove less perdurable than

yours7 Suppose she, too, has found agreeable the company

of another of the opposite sex7"

"Ridiculous'" snapped )onan "She always told me I

was her true love, and I trust her as far as I trust any

mortal."

"Ah, but ofttimes Astis—the goddess whom we in

Mulvan call Laxan—afflicts the steadiest of mortals with

THE UNBEHEADED KING

a passion that overrides the weightiest resolves and the

most cogent reasonmgs Misprize not the havoc that fate

and the vagaries of human nature can make with our sob-

erest plans As said the wise Cidam, 'Blessed be he who

expecteth the worst, for venly he shall ne'er be disap-

pointed '"

Jonan scowled "You mean, let's suppose she has will-

ingly suffered some knave to mount her in my absence7

1 suppose it could happen Since I was the best swordsman

in Xylar, excepting Tartomo, the fencing master who taught

me, I should easily skewer the villain Some would say to

slay the woman, too, but I'm too chicken-hearted "

"You say you love her, nght7"

"Aye, desperately "

"Then you would fain not wantonly render her un-

happy, would you7"

"Of course not'"

"But suppose she really love this wight7 Then you had

broken her heart to no purpose- If by force or fraud you

compelled her to live with you thereafter, your domestic

scene were something less than heavenly "

Jonan shook his head "Curse it, old man, but you think

of some of the direst predicaments' Whatever I propose,

you are endlessly fertile in reasons why it were a folly, a

blunder, and a wicked knavery Betimes you have reason,

but if I barkened to all your cavils, I'd stand immobile

until I sprouted roots Methmks I must await the event

and guide my actions accordingly "

Karadur sighed "It is difficult for one so young to take

the long view of what is best for all concerned "

Jonan glanced up Overhead the stars were coming out

"Pray tell your demon to go slowly We would not run

into Mount Aravia in the dark "

"Mount Aravia7 I believe a colleague of mine, named

Shenderu, dwells there as a wise hermit Could we not

pay him a visit7" At Jonan's expression, Karadur sighed

again "Nay, I suppose not "

A scarlet-and-golden dawn found the flying bathtub still

over the Lograms, although the ndges became lower as

THE UNBEHEADED KING

the travelers flew northward Soon the mountains ended,

and for hours they soared above the vast Marshes of Mom

This dubious place was nominally part of Xylar In practice

it was a no-man's land, inhabited by a few desperate men,

by dwarf crocodiles, and, it was rumored, by descendants

of the dragons that the cannibal Paaluans once brought to

Novana Generations before, these sophisticated canni-

bals sent a foraging expedition to Ir on the west coast of

the broad Novanan peninsula

Curious about everything, Jonan peered over the side

of the tub He looked in vain for a Paaluan dragon among

the black pools and gray-green tussocks of this everglade,

whence the approach of winter had bleached most of the

color Karadur cautioned

"Lean not so far, my son' Gorax complains that you

rock the tub and might overset it, despite his endeavors

to fly it on an even keel "

"The tub has no keel," grinned Jonan "But I get his

point "

"Two gentlemen fleeing away

From warfare in doomed Penembel,

Their carriage capsized,

The marsh fertilized,

Their bones molder there to this day'"

"Not your best, my son," said Karadur "We know not

whether Penembel in tact be doomed If that fellow Chui-

vir, whom you nominated king, make good his claim, he

may prove a good to-middlmg monarch Besides, meth-

mks you require a conjunction at the beginning of that

last line "

"That would spoil the meter," said Jonan "The first

foot should always be an iamb, according to Doctor Gwid-

enus "

"Who?"

"The professor who taught me prosody at the Academy

of Othomae Well, how's this7"

THE UNBEHEADED KING

"Two knaves in the royal washbasin

O'er Mom's dank marshes did hasten,

But leaning too far,

They fell with a iar,

And mud their presumption did chasten "

Karadur shook his head "That implies that I, too, am

leaning over the side As you can perceive, I am careful

to keep to the centerline "

"What a literal-minded gaffer you are' All right, let's

see you compose a better'"

"Alas, Jonan, I am no poet, nor is Novanan my native

tongue To compose a verse incorporating the thoughts of

yours in Mulvam, and obeying all sixty-three rules of Mul-

vanian versification, were a task requiring more comfort

and leisure than the gods see fit at the moment to accord

us"

By afternoon they had left the Marshes of Moru and

soared above the forests of southern Xylar By sunset the

forest was giving way to farmland

"Tell Gorax," said Jonan, "that we do not wish to arrive

at Xylar City before midnight "

"He says we shall be fortunate to arrive ere dawn," said

Karadur "He groans—mentally of course—with fatigue "

"Then have him speed up The last thing we wish is

to find the sun nsmg )ust as I am shmnying down that

rope "

"Just what do you intend, }onan2" Karadur's voice ex-

pressed a growing tremor of apprehension

"Simple Kenn told me they have Estnidis quartered in

the penthouse apartment on the roof They think that

putting her up there will make it harder for me to get

her—assuming that I shall approach the palace on the

ground " Jonan chuckled "So, when we reach the roof,

I'll belay the rope to the faucet, drop the other end over

the side, slide down, and carry off Estnidis before any

mouse knows I'm there 1 wish we had one of your en-

sorcelled ropes "

THE UNBEHEADED KING

"If we ever alight long enough for the sorcerous oper-

ation, I wilt prepare one "

"This faucet was King Ishbahar's pnde and |oy," said

Jonan "An engineer m the House of Learning invented

it The only trouble was that the king's servants had to

mix hot and cold water m a tank on the palace roof, and

they could never get the proportions right Poor Ishbahar

was ever being either chilled or boiled I proposed that he

install two faucets, one for hot water and one for cold, so

that he could ad)ust the mixture to suit himself But, what

with the siege of Iraz and the revolt of the racing factions,

he never got around to trying my idea "

Karadur shook his head "With all these new inventions

pouring out of the House of Learning, in a few centuries

our plane will be like the afterworld, where all is done by

buzzing, clattering machines and magic is of no account

I pray never to spend an incarnation in such a world "

Jonan shrugged "I try to make the best of things, be

they magical or mechanical. At least we can thank King

Ishbahar's monstrous fatness that we have so huge a tub,

wherein the twain of us can comfortably sleep Didst ever

hear how he came to have it made7"

"Nay, my son Tell me, pray "

"When Ishbahar acceded to the throne, he was already

vastly obese, eating having been his favorite pastime from

boyhood on Well, the night following his coronation, he

was, naturally, weary after a day of standing about and

making ceremonial motions and uttenng prescnbed re-

sponses to the high priests of the leading cults. So he

commanded his lackeys to prepare a bath for him, and told

his favorite wife to await him in the royal bed

"The royal bathtub, however, had been made for his

predecessor, Shashtai the Eighth, who was a small, spare

man Ishbahar tested the water with his finger and found

it )ust right With a sigh of happy anticipation, he mounted

the step that the lackeys had placed beside the tub and

lowered himself into the water But alas' As he sank down,

he found himself firmly wedged between the sides of the

tub He called out to a servant 'Ho, this won't do' We are

THE UNBEHEADED KING

squeezed to a }elly! Help us out, pray'' So the servitor

caught the king's arm and heaved, but without effect. Be-

tween the king's vast weight and the wedging effect of the

sloping sides of the tub, Ishbahar was stuck fast.

"They called more servants, and all together heaved on

the king's arms—to no avail. A guardsman was called, to

thrust the butt of his halberd over the edge of the tub and

under the royal arse, to pry him up. Ishbahar bore the pam

bravely except for a few groans, but still he remained stuck.

Then two flunkeys added their weight to that of the

guardsman on the head end of the halberd, but they only

succeeded in breaking the spear shaft.

"Then the king had the chief engineer of the School of

Matter in the House of Learning dragged out of bed. The

engineer looked over the problem and told the king: 'Your

Maiesty, I can get you out. All we need do is bore a hole

in the ceiling and install a hoist with compound pulleys-

By looping ropes under your armpits and thighs, we shall

have you out in a jiffy.'

'"How long will this take?' asked King Ishbahar.

"The engineer thought a moment and said: 'May it

please Your Maiesty, allowing time for drawing up a plan

and assembling materials, I am sure we can have you out

in a fortnight.'

"'And meanwhile we shall sit here soaking?' said Ish-

bahar. 'Come, come, my good fellow! Fetch us the head

of the School of Spirit.'

"So they brought in the head wizard of the School of

Spint, a bitter rival of the chief engineer in the House of

Learning. The enchanter said: 'Your Majesty, I have just

the thing! It is my newly developed levitation spell, which

can easily handle up to three talents avoirdupois. Let me

fetch my instruments, and all shall be well.'

"So, after midnight, the wizard ordered all the others

out of the bath chamber and began his spell. He burned

mysterious powders in a brazier, whence arose many-hued

smokes that wnthed and twined like ghostly serpents. He

chanted mystical phrases, and shadows chased each other

about the walls, albeit there was no solid body in the

chamber to cast them. The hangings rippled, and the can-

THE UNBEHEADED KING

die flames flickered, although there was no wind m the

chamber.

"At length the wizard cried three words of power, and

King Ishbahar rose—but the tub rose with him, still firmly

attached to the royal haunches. At length the wizard was

compelled by sheer fatigue to let the king and his tub settle

back to the floor. This tub, you understand, had no faucet

and no pipes to let water in and out, so it could be freely

moved.

"At length the favorite wife, named Haziran, came m

to see what was keeping her lord so long. She found the

king still in the tub, and the chief engineer and the chief

wizard and the servants all standing about, muttering dis-

consolately at their failure to get the king unstuck. They

were proposing desperate expedients, such as starving the

king until he shrank enough no longer to fit so snugly,

like a cork in a bottle.

"Haziran looked the situation over and said, 'You are

all a pack of fools! This is a ceramic tub, is it not? Well,

you lackeys, take the water out. Doctor Akraba—' That

was the chief engineer. '—fetch me a heavy hammer,

forthwith!'

"'Do as she says,' quoth Ishbahar. 'This damned tub is

cutting off our circulation.'

"By the time the sledge hammer was brought, the serv-

ants, with dippers and pails and sponges, had removed

nearly all the water. So Haziran smote the tub on the side

where it gripped Ishbahar's hips, and with a loud crash the

tub broke into several pieces. The king gave a yelp of pain

from the impact, but he recked that a bruised hip were a

small price for his freedom. He dried himself, embraced

Haziran, and led her off to the bedchamber. She was a

level-headed woman, and had she not died of a pox a few

years later, she might have saved the kingdom much gnef

by giving Ishbahar good advice.

"Anyway, the king ordered another bathtub. This time

he made sure it was large enough so that, no matter how

fat he got, he would be in no danger of being entrapped.

And in later years, when officials of the House of Learning

complained of the king's cutting their appropriations, Ish-

THE UNBEHEADED KING

bahar would say 'Ha' For all your pretended wisdom, you

geniuses could not even get us out of a bathtub'"'

"An edifying tale," said Karadur "But why did he have

it fabricated of copper2 It must have been much more

costly that way "

"That was a decision political His officials were em-

broiled in a quarrel with the potters' guild over taxes, and

ordering the tub from the coppersmiths' guild was ish-

bahar's way of reminding the potters who was boss "

"Now back to our own plans," said Karadur "How shall

you get your queen up the rope and into the tub again2

Mighty though you be, I misdoubt you could scale the

rope with one hand whilst grasping your sweetlmg with

the other "

Jonan frowned "You have a point I suppose the best

way were to have her grasp me round the neck from be-

hind, thus leaving my hands free "

"Do you ween you can hoist the weight of the twain

of you2"

"If not, I shall have to remain clinging to the rope until

you find us a safe place to alight "

"You cannot dangle until we are out of Xylar1 The ;our-

ney would require hours And if we alight ere departing

this land, Gorax will desert us, and we shall be forced to

flee afoot "

"Hmm " After a moment of silence, Jonan said "I know'

There's a ruined castle, said to be haunted, a dozen leagues

southeast of Xylar City A certain Baron Lore built it back

in feudal days Much of the main wall still stands. Gorax

can drop us on the wall and then bring the tub down to

the level of the parapet, so we can climb in Be sure to tell

him not to let the tub touch the wall, lest he deem himself

freed from his last labor "

Karadur muttered "I like it not Demons are tncky

beings, especially those we cannot see And what is this

about the castle's being haunted2"

"lust a rumor, a legend There's probably nought to it,

and if a malevolent spirit does abide there, 1 trust you to

protect us from it by magical means."

THE UNBEHEADED KING

Karadur dubiously wagged his beard "Why not bring

the tub to the edge of the palace roof, as you speak of doing

at Baron Lore's castle2"

"Because, save for a narrow walk around the penthouse

and a little terrace, the roof slopes down on both sides,

and there is nought to hang on to ere one reaches the eaves

By myself, I might chance sliding down the roof tiles and

leaping into the tub, but I cannot ask that of Estnidis "

"Curse it, boy, could you not take me across the border

into Othomae and leave me there71 would instruct Gorax

to obey you until his final dismissal "

"Oh, no indeed'" said Jonan "I need you to control this

aenal chariot whilst I am below fetching my darling Cheer

up, old man' We've gotten each other out of more parlous

plights "

"All very well for you, young master," grumbled Kar-

adur "You are constructed of steel springs and whalebone,

but I am old and fragile I know not how many more of

these exploits I can endure ere )ommg the ma]onty "

"Well, you can't complain that life in my company has

been dull, now can you7"

"Nay Betimes I lust for some nice, quiet, boresome

dullness "

The time was past midnight and a silvery half-moon

was nsing when (onan sighted a sprinkling of faint lights,

far off to their left. He said "Methmks that's Xylar City

yonder Tell our demon, hard to port' His deduced reck-

oning was off by half a league "

The tub changed course m obedience to the Mulvani-

an's mental command Soon the lights grew and multi-

plied Some came from the windows of houses, some from

the oil lamps that lonan, when king, had erected on posts

at ma)0r street crossings This was the city's first regular

street lighting, before, citizens, unless rich enough to hire

bodyguards and link boys, stayed home behind bolted doors

at night

"We must keep our voices down," whispered Jonan

By whispered commands to Karadur, who passed them

on mentally to Gorax, Jonan guided the tub to the royal

THE UNBEHEADED KING

palace. He circled the structure before coming close to the

penthouse.

"No guards on the roof; good!" he murmured.

He brought the tub to a halt six cubits above the small

square terrace at one end of the penthouse. While Karadur

placed the tub just where Jorian wanted it, Jorian knotted

one end of the rope around the faucet and dropped the rest

over the side. He prepared to climb down.

"No sword?" whispered Karadur.

"Nay. It would clank, or bang the furniture, and give

me away. If an alarum sound and the guards rush in, one

sword were of no avail against several."

"In the epics," mused Karadur, "heroes are ever slaying

a hundred fierce foes single-handed."

"Such tales are lies, as anyone who has done real sword

fighting knows. Take a legendary hero like Dauric—but

here 1 am talking when I should be acting."

"Your besetting weakness, my son. That runaway

tongue will yet be our doom."

"Perhaps; but there are worse vices than garrulity. The

reason I talk so much—"

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摘要：

THEPALACELARGECOPPERBATHTUB,ITSPOLISHEDSURFACEREDLYreflectingthelightofthesettmgsun,soaredabovethesnow-cladpeaksoftheLograms.Itwovearoundthelof-tiestsummitsandscrapedoverthelowerones,betimeswithbutafewcubitstospare."Gorax!"yelledoneofthetwomeninthetub"Ihavecommandedtheenottomissthosepeakssostraitlyi...

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De Camp, L Sprague - The Unbeheaded King

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