William Tenn - The Lemon-Green Spaghetti-Loud Dynamite-Dribble Day

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The Lemon-Green Spaghetti-Loud Dynamite-Dribble Day

William Tenn

Testimony of Witness No. 5671 before the Special Presidential Investigative Commission. Leonard

Drucker, thirty-one years old, unmarried, of 238 West 10th Street, New York City, Borough of

Manhattan, employed as a salesman by the Har-Bern Office Partition Com-pany of 205 East 42nd

Street, New York City, Borough of Manhattan. Witness, being placed under oath, does swear and

depose:

Well, I don't know, the telephone woke me up about eight A.M. on that Wednesday morning. I grabbed

at it, half falling out of bed, and finally managed to juggle it up to my ear. A girl's voice was saying, "Hello,

Lennie? Is that you, Lennie? Hello?"

After a couple of seconds, I recognized the voice. I said, "Doris? Yeah, it's me. What's the matter?"

"You tell me, Lennie!" She sounded absolutely hysterical. "Have you been listen-ing to the radio? I

called up three people already and they're just as bad as the radio. You sure you're all right?"

"I'm fine. Hey, it's eight o'clock—I had another fifteen minutes sleep. And my coffee—it's in the

percolator. Let me turn the—the—"

"You too!" she screeched. "It's affected you too! What's the matter with everybody? What's

happening?" And she hung up.

I put down the phone and shuddered. Doris was a girl I'd been seeing, and she'd looked very

normal. Now it was obvious she was just another kooky Village chick. I may live in the Village, but I

hold down a good job and I dress conservatively. Usu-ally, I stay far away from kooky Village chicks.

There was no point in going back to sleep, so I flipped the switch gizmo on my electric percolator

and turned it on. That, I guess, is the crucial part of this testimony. You see, I always set up my coffee

percolator the night before and fill it with water. When I get up in the morning, I'm too blind and dopey to

cook anything.

Because of Doris's call, I also flicked on the radio before I went into the bathroom. I splashed some

cold water on my face, rinsed out my toothbrush, and put some tooth-paste on it. It was halfway to my

mouth when I began listening to the radio. I put it down on the sink and went out and sat next to the

radio, really fascinated. I never brushed my teeth: I was one lucky son of a bitch all around.

The radio announcer had a warm, sleepy voice. He was enunciating carefully:

"...forty-eight...forty-nine...forty!

Forty-one...forty-two...forty-three...forty-four...forty-five...forty-six...forty-seven...forty-eight...forty-nine

...forty! Forty-one..." .

I stayed with that voice, I don't know, for a long time. It didn't ever get up to fifty. The coffee had

finished perking, so I poured myself a cup and sat and twirled the dial. Some of the stations—they were

the Jersey ones, I found out later—sounded pretty much as usual, but most of the broadcasts were wild.

There was a traffic report, I remember, that just gripped me.

"...and on the Major Deegan Expressway, traffic is moderate to spaghetti-loud. All

dynamite-dribbles are reported moving smoothly. The Cadillacs are longer, the Continentals are thinner,

and the Chrysler Imperials have mostly snapped in two. Five thousand Chevrolet convertibles are

building a basketball court in one uptown lane of the Franklin D. Roosevelt Drive..."

While I was having another cup of coffee and some cookies, I happened to glance at my watch, and

I realized almost an hour had slipped by with that damn radio! I gave myself a one-two-three shave with

the electric razor, and started dressing frantically.

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