absolutely sure the person would not show up again. Lilo's execution in the morning was therefore
largely symbolic, from the viewpoint of society.
From Lilo's viewpoint, it was much more than that. She was toying with an idea she had entertained
only once before in her life: six months earlier, just before her stay of execution. She was thinking of
committing suicide.
"And why not?" she asked herself, a little startled when she realized she had said it aloud.
Why not, indeed? A few years earlier she could have given a thousand reasons why not. She had been
in her early fifties, still young, with her life stretching endlessly in front of her. But now she was fifty-
seven, and suddenly ancient. Soon she would be dead. Dead. You can't get any more ancient than
that.
Physically, Lilo was twenty-five. It was a popular age to be, and though Lilo did not like to ape
popular trends, she had never felt good looking any older than that. Her body was largely her own,
with a few surgical modifications. Her hair was light brown, her eyes were set far apart to
accommodate a wide, slightly flat nose. She was tall and slim, and it suited her.
Her one vanity was her legs. She had added ten centimeters to her leg bones, making her two point
two meters tall, slightly above average height. She wore fine brown hair, like chinchilla, from
midway down her calves to the tops of her feet.
She got up and restlessly paced the room. What amazed her was that, once she had accepted that she
was going to die, suicide began to seem like an attractive possibility. The State of Luna did not care if
she killed herself; she was going to The Hole in the morning, dead or alive. No attempt had been
made to clear her cell of harmful tools.
The tool she was examining now was a knife. It was a lovely thing. Stainless steel, mirror-bright—it
had a symmetry of line she found appealing. Cross-hatched grooves wound around the handle, giving
a sure grip on cool metal. She drew it across her throat, keeping her mind blank. Her hand shook as
she brought her fingers up to her neck. No blood.
She thought about the two alternatives facing her.
Tomorrow would be an emotional moment. She was sure nothing could possibly match the
anticipation of mounting the stairs over The Hole. She had a horror of breaking down completely, of
having to be restrained and thrown over the brink rather than stepping off by her own volition.
On the other hand, she felt reasonably calm now. All hope was gone. Could she meet her death now,
by her own hand, in private? Was it better to go that way?
It seemed to her that it was. She told herself that three times in succession and reached for the knife.
She drew it over her wrist. Shuddered, and felt her heart pound. She opened her eyes and looked
down and there wasn't even a red line. She was sure she had been bearing down. Something trickled
over her cheek. Alarmed, she brushed it away.
She sat in her chair beside the small table and gritted her teeth. She leaned over the table and rested
file:///F|/rah/John%20Varley/John%20Varley%20-%20The%20Ophiuchi%20Hotline.htm (4 of 152) [8/28/03 1:12:01 PM]