Uncles Josh’s Punkin Centre Stories(乔希叔叔的故事)

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Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories

Uncles Josh's Punkin

Centre Stories

By Cal Stewart

Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories

Preface

To the Reader.

The one particular object in writing this book is to furnish you with an

occasional laugh, and the writer with an occasional dollar. If you get the

laugh you have your equivalent, and the writer has his.

In Uncle Josh Weathersby you have a purely imaginary character, yet

one true to life. A character chuck full of sunshine and rural simplicity.

Take him as you find him, and in his experiences you will observe there is

a bright side to everything.

Sincerely Yours Cal Stewart

Life Sketch of Author

THE author was born in Virginia, on a little patch of land, so poor we

had to fertilize it to make brick. Our family, while having cast their

fortunes with the South, was not a family ruined by the war; we did not

have anything when the war commenced, and so we held our own. I

secured a common school education, and at the age of twelve I left home,

or rather home left me --things just petered out. I was slush cook on an

Ohio River Packet; check clerk in a stave and heading camp in the knobs

of Tennessee, Virginia and Georgia; I helped lay the track of the M. K. &

T. R. R., and was chambermaid in a livery stable. Made my first

appearance on the stage at the National Theatre in Cincinnati, Ohio, and

have since then chopped cord wood, worked in a coal mine, made cross

ties (and walked them), worked on a farm, taught a district school (made

love to the big girls), run a threshing machine, cut bands, fed the machine

and ran the engine. Have been a freight and passenger brakeman, fired and

ran a locomotive; also a freight train conductor and check clerk in a freight

house; worked on the section; have been a shot gun messenger for the

Wells, Fargo Company. Have been with a circus, minstrels, farce comedy,

burlesque and dramatic productions; have been with good shows, bad

Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories

shows, medicine shows, and worse, and some shows where we had

landlords singing in the chorus. Have played variety houses and vaudeville

houses; have slept in a box car one night, and a swell hotel the next; have

been a traveling salesman (could spin as many yarns as any of them). For

the past four years have made the Uncle Josh stories for the talking

machine. The Lord only knows what next!

Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories

My Old Yaller Almanac

Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall I'M sort of fond of readin' one thing and

another,So I've read promiscus like whatever cum my way,And many a

friendly argument's cum up 'tween me and mother,'Bout things that I'd be

readin' settin' round a rainy day. Sometimes it jist seemed to me thar wa'nt

no end of books, Some made fer useful readin' and some jist made fer

looks; But of all the different books I've read, thar's none comes up at all

To My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. I've always liked

amusement, of the good and wholesome kind, It's better than a doctor, and

it elevates the mind; So, often of an evening, when the farm chores all

were done, I'd join the games the boys would play, gosh how I liked the

fun; And once thar wuz a minstrel troop, they showed at our Town Hall, A

jolly lot of fellers, 'bout twenty of 'em all.

Wall I went down to see 'em, but their jokes, I knowed 'em all, Read

'em in My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall. Thar wuz

Ezra Hoskins, Deacon Brown and a lot of us old codgers, Used to meet

down at the grocery store, what wuz kept by Jason Rogers.

There we'd set and argufy most every market day, Chawin' tobacker

and whittlin' sticks to pass the time away; And many a knotty problem has

put us on our mettle, Which we felt it wuz our duty to duly solve and settle;

Then after they had said their say, who thought they knowed it all, I'd floor

'em with some facts I'd got From My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the

Kitchen Wall.

It beats a regular cyclopedium, that old fashioned yeller book, And

many a pleasant hour in readin' it I've took; Somehow I've never tired of

lookin' through its pages, Seein' of the different things that's happened in

all ages. One time I wuz elected a Justice of the Peace, To make out legal

documents, a mortgage or a lease, Them tricks that lawyers have, you bet I

knowed them all, Learned them in My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the

Kitchen Wall.

So now I've bin to New York, and all your sights I've seen, I s'pose that

to you city folks I must look most awful green, Gee whiz, what lots of fun

Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories

I've had as I walked round the town, Havin' Bunco Steerers ask me if I

wasn't Mr. Hiram Brown.

I've rode on all your trolloly cars, and hung onto the straps, When we

flew around the corners, sat on other peoples' laps, Hav'nt had no trouble,

not a bit at all, Read about your city in My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin'

on the Kitchen Wall.

Uncle Josh Weathersby's Arrival in New York WALL, fer a long time I

had my mind made up that I'd cum down to New York, and so a short time

ago, as I had my crops all gathered in and produce sold I calculated as how

it would be a good time to come down here. Folks at home said I'd be

buncoed or have my pockets picked fore I'd bin here mor'n half an hour;

wall, I fooled 'em a little bit, I wuz here three days afore they buncoed me.

I spose as how there are a good many of them thar bunco fellers around

New York, but I tell you them thar street keer conductors take mighty

good care on you. I wuz ridin' along in one of them keers, had my pockit

book right in my hand, I alowed no feller would pick my pockits and git it

long as I had it in my hand, and it shet up tight as a barrel when the cider's

workin'. Wall that conductor feller he jest kept his eye on me, and every

little bit he'd put his head in the door and say "hold fast." But I'm

transgressin' from what I started to tell ye. I wuz ridin' along in one of

them sleepin' keers comin' here, and along in the night some time I felt a

feller rummagin' around under my bed, and I looked out jest in time to see

him goin' away with my boots, wall I knowed the way that train wuz a

runnin' he couldn't git off with them without breakin' his durned neck, but

in about half an hour he brot them back, guess they didn't fit him. Wall I

wuz sort of glad he took em cause he hed em all shined up slicker 'n a new

tin whistle. Wall when I got up in the mornin' my trubbles commenced. I

wuz so crouded up like, durned if I could git my clothes on, and when I

did git em on durned if my pants wa'nt on hind side afore, and my socks

got all tangled up in that little fish net along side of the bed and I couldn't

git em out, and I lost a bran new collar button that I traded Si Pettingill a

huskin' peg fer, and I got my right boot on my left foot and the left one on

the right foot, and I wuz so durned badly mixed up I didn't know which

way the train wuz a runnin', and I bumped my head on the roof of the bed

Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories

over me, and then sot down right suddin like to think it over when some

feller cum along and stepped right squar on my bunion and I let out a war

whoop you could a heerd over in the next county. Wall, along cum that

durned porter and told me I wuz a wakin' up everybody in the keer. Then I

started in to hunt fer my collar button, cause I sot a right smart store by

that button, thar warns another one like it in Punkin Centre, and I thought

it would be kind of doubtful if they'd have any like it in New York, wall I

see one stuck right in the wall so I tried to git it out with my jack knife,

when along came that durned black jumpin' jack dressed in soldier clothes

and ast me what I wanted, and I told him I didn't want anything perticler,

then he told me to quit ringin' the bell, guess he wuz a little crazy, I didn't

see no bell. Wall, finally I got my clothes on and went into a room whar

they had a row of little troughs to wash in, and fast as I could pump water

in the durned thing it run out of a little hole in the bottom of the trough so

I jest had to grab a handful and then pump some more. Wall after that

things went along purty well fer a right smart while, then I et a snack out

of my carpet bag and felt purty good. Wall that train got to runnin' slower

and slower 'till it stopped at every house and when it cum to a double

house it stopped twice. I hed my ticket in my hat and I put my head out of

the window to look at suthin' when the wind blew my hat off and I lost the

durned old ticket, wall the conductor made me buy another one. I hed to

buy two tickets to ride once, but I fooled him, he don't know a durned

thing about it and when he finds it out he's goin to be the maddest

conductor on that railroad, I got a round trip ticket and I ain't a goin' back

on his durned old road. When I got off the ferry boat down here I

commenced to think I wuz about the best lookin' old feller what ever cum

to New York, thar wuz a lot of fellers down thar with buggies and

kerridges and one thing and another, and jest the minnit they seen me they

all commenced to holler-- handsome--handsome. I didn't know I wuz so

durned good lookin'. One feller tried to git my carpet bag and another tried

to git my umbreller, and I jest told 'em to stand back or durned if I

wouldn't take a wrestle out of one or two of them, then I asked one of 'em

if he could haul me up to the Sturtevessant hotel, and by gosh I never

heered a feller stutter like that feller did in all my life, he said ye-ye-ye-yes

Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories

sir, and I said wall how much air you a goin' to charge me, and he said f-f-

f-fif-fif-fifty c-c-cents, and I sed wall I guess I'll ride with you, but don't

stop to talk about it any more cause I'd kinder like to git thar. Wall we

started out and when we stopped we wuz away up at the other end of the

town whar thar warn't many houses, and I sed to him, this here ain't the

Sturtevessant hotel, and he sed n-n-n-no n-s-s- n-no sir, I sed why didn't

you let me out at the hotel like I told ye, and he sed, b-b-b-be c-c-c b-b-be

cause I c-c-c-c-couldn't s-s-s-say w-w-w-whoa q-q-q-q-quick enough.

Wall I hed a great time with that feller, but I got here at last.

Uncle Josh in Society

WALL, I did'nt suppose when I cum down here to New York that I

wuz a goin to flop right into the middle of high toned society, but I guess

that's jist about what I done. You see I had an old friend a livin' down here

named Henry Higgins, and I wanted to see Henry mighty bad. Henry and

me, we wuz boys together down home at Punkin Centre, and I hadn't seen

him in a long time. Wall, I got a feller to look up his name in the city

almanac, and he showed me whar Henry lived, away up on a street called

avenue five. Wall when I seen Henry's house it jist about took my breath

away, I wuz that clar sot back. Henry's house is a good deal bigger'n the

court house at Punkin Centre. Wall at first I didn't know whether to go in

or not, but finally I mustered up my courage, and I went up and rang some

new fangled door bell, when a feller with knee britches on cum out and

wanted to know who it wuz I wanted to see. Gosh I couldn't say anything

fer about a minnit, that feller jist looked to me like a picter I'd seen in a

story book. Wall finally I told him I wanted to see Henry Higgins, if it wuz

the same Henry I used to know down home at Punkin Centre. Wall I guess

Henry he must a heered me talkin', cause he jist cum out and grabbed me

by both hands and sed, "why Josh Weathersby, how do you do, cum right

in." Wall he took me into the house and introduced me to more wimmin

folks than I ever seen before in all my life at one time. I guess they were

havin' some kind of society doins at Henry's house, one old lady sed to me,

"my dear Mr. Weathersby, I am so pleased to meet you, I've heered Mr.

Higgins speak about you so often." Wall by chowder, I got to blushin' so it

Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories

cum pretty near settin' my hair on fire, but I sed, wall now I'm right glad to

know you, you kind-er put me in mind of old Nancy Smith down hum, and

Nancy, she's bin tryin' to git married past forty seasons that I kin

remember on. Wall Henry took me off into a room by myself, and when I

got on my store clothes and my new calf skin boots, I tell you I looked

about as scrimptious as any of them. Wall they had a dance, I think they

called it a cowtillion, and that wuz whar I wuz right to hum, I jist hopped

out on the floor, balanced to partners, swung on the corners, and cut up

more capers than any young feller thar, it jist looked as if all the ladies

wanted to dance with me. One lady wanted to know if I danced the

german, but I told her I only danced in English.

Wall after that we had something to eat in the dinin' room, and I hadn't

any more'n got sot down and got to eatin right good, when that durn fool

with the knee britches on insulted me, he handed me a little wash bowl

with a towel round it, and I told him he needn't cast any insinuations at me,

cause I washed my hands afore I cum in. If it hadn't a bin in Henry's house

I'd took a wrestle out of him. Wall they had a lot of furrin dishes, sumthin

what they called beef all over mud, and another what they called a-

charlotte russia-a little shavin' mug made out of cake and full of sweetened

lather, wall that was mighty good eatin', though it took a lot of them, they

wasn't very fillin'. Then they handed me somethin' what they called ice

cream, looked to me like a hunk of casteel soap, wall I stuck my fork in it

and tried to bite it, and it slipped off and got inside my vest, and in less

than a minnit I wuz froze from my chin to my toes. I guess I cut a caper at

Henry's house.

Uncle Josh in a Chinese Laundry

I S'POSE I got tangled up the other day with the dogondest lookin'

critter I calculate I ever seen in all my born days, and I've bin around purty

considerable. I'd seen all sorts of cooriosoties and monstrosities in cirkuses

and meenagerys, but that wuz the fust time I'd ever seen a critter with his

head and tail on the same end. You see I sed to a feller, now whar abouts

in New York do you folks git your washin' done; when I left hum to come

down here I lowed I had enuff with me to do me, but I've stayed here a

little longer than I calculated to, and if I don't git some washin' done purty

Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories

soon, I'll have to go and jump in the river.

Wall he wuz a bligin sort of a feller, and he told me thar wuz a place

round the corner whar a feller done all the washin', so I went round, and

there was a sine on the winder what sed Hop Quick, or Hop Soon, or jump

up and hop, or some other kind of a durned hop; and then thar wuz a lot of

figers on the winder that I couldn't make head nor tail on; it jist looked to

me like a chicken with mud on its feet had walked over that winder.

Wall I went in to see bout gittin' my washin' done, and gosh all spruce

gum, thar was one of them pig tailed heathen Chineeze, he jist looked fer

all the world like a picter on Aunt Nancy Smith's tea cups. I wuz sort of

sot back fer a minnit, coz 'I sed to myself--I don't spose this durned critter

can talk English; but seein' as how I'm in here, I might as well find out. So

I told him I'd like to git him to do some washin' fer me, and he

commenced a talkin' some outlandish lingo, sounded to me like cider

runnin' out of a jug, somethin' like--ung tong oowong fang kai moi oo ung

we, velly good washee. Wall I understood the last of it and jist took his

word fer the rest, so I giv him my clothes and he giv me a little yeller

ticket that he painted with a brush what he had, and I'll jist bet a yoke of

steers agin the holler in a log, that no livin' mortal man could read that

ticket; it looked like a fly had fell into the ink bottle and then crawled over

the paper. Wall I showed it to a gentleman what was a standin' thar when I

cum out, and I sed to him--mister, what in thunder is this here thing, and

he sed "Wall sir that's a sort of a lotery ticket; every time you leave your

clothes thar to have them washed you git one of them tickets, and then you

have a chance to draw a prize of some kind." So I sed--wall now I want to

know, how much is the blamed thing wuth, and he sed "I spose bout ten

cents," and I told him if he wanted my chants for ten cents he could hav it,

I didn't want to get tangled up in any lotery gamblin' bizness with that

saucer faced scamp. So he giv me ten cents and he took the ticket, and in a

couple of days I went round to git my washin', and that pig tailed heathen

he wouldn't let me hev em, coz I'd lost that lotery ticket. So I sed--now

look here Mr. Hop Soon, if you don't hop round and git me my collars and

ciffs and other clothes what I left here, I'll be durned if I don't flop you in

about a minnit, I will by chowder. Wall that critter he commenced hoppin

Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories

around and a talkin faster 'n a buzz saw could turn, and all I could make

out wuz--mee song lay tang moo me oo lay ung yong wo say mee tickee.

Wall I seen jist as plain as could be that he wuz a tryin' to swindle me

outen my clothes, so I made a grab fer him, and in less 'n a minnit we wuz

a rollin' round on the floor; fust I wuz on top, and then Mr. Hop Soon wuz

on top, and you couldn't hav told which one of us the pig tail belonged to.

We upset the stove and kicked out the winder, and I sot Mr. Hop Soon in

the wash tub, and when I got out of thar I had somebody's washin' in one

hand and about five yards of that pig tail in tother, and Mr. Hop Soon, he

wuz standin' thar yellin'--ung wa moo ye song ki le yung noy song oowe

pelecee, pelecee, pelecee. I had quite a time with that heathen critter.

Uncle Josh in a Museum

WHEN I wuz in New York one day I wuz a walkin' along down the

street when I cum to a theater or play doins' of some kind or other, so I got

to lookin' at the picters, and I noticed whar it sed it only cost ten cents to

go in, and I alowed I might as well go in and see it. Wall I don't spose I'd

bin in thar over five minutes afore I made myself the laffin' stock of every

one in thar. I noticed a feller a sottin' thar gittin' his boots blacked, and thar

was a durned little pick pockit a pickin' his pockits. Wall I didn't want to

see him git robbed, so I went right up to him and I sed--look out mister,

you air gittin' your pockits picked, wall sir, that durned cuss never sed a

word and every body commenced to laff, and I looked round to see what

they wuz a laffin' at, and it wan't no man at all, nothin' only a durned old

wax figger. I never felt so durned foolish since the day I popped the

question to Samantha. Wall then I looked round a spell longer, and thar

wuz a feller what they called the human pin cushion, and he wuz stuck

chock full of needles and pins and looked like a hedge hog; he'd be a

mighty handy feller at a quiltin'. Wall, then a feller cum along and sed,

"everybody over to this end of the hall." Wall, I went along with the rest of

them, and durn my buttins if thar wa'nt a feller what had more picters

painted on him than thar is in a story book. Wall, I'd jist got to lookin' at

him when that feller what had charge sed, "right this way everybody," and

we all went into whar they wuz havin' the theater doins', and I got sot

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UnclesJosh'sPunkinCentreStories1UnclesJosh'sPunkinCentreStoriesByCalStewartUnclesJosh'sPunkinCentreStories2PrefaceTotheReader.Theoneparticularobjectinwritingthisbookistofurnishyouwithanoccasionallaugh,andthewriterwithanoccasionaldollar.Ifyougetthelaughyouhaveyourequivalent,andthewriterhashis.InUncle...

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