The Bab Ballads(巴布民谣)

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The Bab Ballads

W. S. Gilbert

The Bab Ballads

Ballad: Captain Reece

Of all the ships upon the blue, No ship contained a better crew Than

that of worthy CAPTAIN REECE, Commanding of THE

MANTELPIECE.

He was adored by all his men, For worthy CAPTAIN REECE, R.N.,

Did all that lay within him to Promote the comfort of his crew.

If ever they were dull or sad, Their captain danced to them like mad,

Or told, to make the time pass by, Droll legends of his infancy.

A feather bed had every man, Warm slippers and hot-water can, Brown

windsor from the captain's store, A valet, too, to every four.

Did they with thirst in summer burn, Lo, seltzogenes at every turn,

And on all very sultry days Cream ices handed round on trays.

Then currant wine and ginger pops Stood handily on all the "tops;"

And also, with amusement rife, A "Zoetrope, or Wheel of Life."

New volumes came across the sea From MISTER MUDIE'S libraree;

THE TIMES and SATURDAY REVIEW Beguiled the leisure of the crew.

Kind-hearted CAPTAIN REECE, R.N., Was quite devoted to his men;

In point of fact, good CAPTAIN REECE Beatified THE MANTELPIECE.

One summer eve, at half-past ten, He said (addressing all his men):

"Come, tell me, please, what I can do To please and gratify my crew.

"By any reasonable plan I'll make you happy if I can; My own

convenience count as NIL: It is my duty, and I will."

Then up and answered WILLIAM LEE (The kindly captain's coxswain

he, A nervous, shy, low-spoken man), He cleared his throat and thus

began:

"You have a daughter, CAPTAIN REECE, Ten female cousins and a

niece, A Ma, if what I'm told is true, Six sisters, and an aunt or two.

"Now, somehow, sir, it seems to me, More friendly-like we all should

be, If you united of 'em to Unmarried members of the crew.

"If you'd ameliorate our life, Let each select from them a wife; And as

for nervous me, old pal, Give me your own enchanting gal!"

Good CAPTAIN REECE, that worthy man, Debated on his coxswain's

The Bab Ballads

plan: "I quite agree," he said, "O BILL; It is my duty, and I will.

"My daughter, that enchanting gurl, Has just been promised to an Earl,

And all my other familee To peers of various degree.

"But what are dukes and viscounts to The happiness of all my crew?

The word I gave you I'll fulfil; It is my duty, and I will.

"As you desire it shall befall, I'll settle thousands on you all, And I

shall be, despite my hoard, The only bachelor on board."

The boatswain of THE MANTELPIECE, He blushed and spoke to

CAPTAIN REECE: "I beg your honour's leave," he said; "If you would

wish to go and wed,

"I have a widowed mother who Would be the very thing for you - She

long has loved you from afar: She washes for you, CAPTAIN R."

The Captain saw the dame that day - Addressed her in his playful way

- "And did it want a wedding ring? It was a tempting ickle sing!

"Well, well, the chaplain I will seek, We'll all be married this day week

At yonder church upon the hill; It is my duty, and I will!"

The sisters, cousins, aunts, and niece, And widowed Ma of CAPTAIN

REECE, Attended there as they were bid; It was their duty, and they did.

The Bab Ballads

Ballad: The Rival Curates

List while the poet trolls Of MR. CLAYTON HOOPER, Who had a

cure of souls At Spiffton-extra-Sooper.

He lived on curds and whey, And daily sang their praises, And then

he'd go and play With buttercups and daisies.

Wild croquet HOOPER banned, And all the sports of Mammon, He

warred with cribbage, and He exorcised backgammon.

His helmet was a glance That spoke of holy gladness; A saintly smile

his lance; His shield a tear of sadness.

His Vicar smiled to see This armour on him buckled: With pardonable

glee He blessed himself and chuckled.

"In mildness to abound My curate's sole design is; In all the country

round There's none so mild as mine is!"

And HOOPER, disinclined His trumpet to be blowing, Yet didn't think

you'd find A milder curate going.

A friend arrived one day At Spiffton-extra-Sooper, And in this

shameful way He spoke to Mr. HOOPER:

"You think your famous name For mildness can't be shaken, That none

can blot your fame - But, HOOPER, you're mistaken!

"Your mind is not as blank As that of HOPLEY PORTER, Who holds

a curate's rank At Assesmilk-cum-Worter.

"HE plays the airy flute, And looks depressed and blighted, Doves

round about him 'toot,' And lambkins dance delighted.

"HE labours more than you At worsted work, and frames it; In old

maids' albums, too, Sticks seaweed - yes, and names it!"

The tempter said his say, Which pierced him like a needle - He

summoned straight away His sexton and his beadle.

(These men were men who could Hold liberal opinions: On Sundays

they were good - On week-days they were minions.)

"To HOPLEY PORTER go, Your fare I will afford you - Deal him a

deadly blow, And blessings shall reward you.

"But stay - I do not like Undue assassination, And so before you strike,

The Bab Ballads

Make this communication:

"I'll give him this one chance - If he'll more gaily bear him, Play

croquet, smoke, and dance, I willingly will spare him."

They went, those minions true, To Assesmilk-cum-Worter, And told

their errand to The REVEREND HOPLEY PORTER.

"What?" said that reverend gent, "Dance through my hours of leisure?

Smoke? - bathe myself with scent? - Play croquet? Oh, with pleasure!

"Wear all my hair in curl? Stand at my door and wink - so - At every

passing girl? My brothers, I should think so!

"For years I've longed for some Excuse for this revulsion: Now that

excuse has come - I do it on compulsion!!!"

He smoked and winked away - This REVEREND HOPLEY PORTER

- The deuce there was to pay At Assesmilk-cum-Worter.

And HOOPER holds his ground, In mildness daily growing - They

think him, all around, The mildest curate going.

The Bab Ballads

Ballad: Only A Dancing Girl

Only a dancing girl, With an unromantic style, With borrowed colour

and curl, With fixed mechanical smile, With many a hackneyed wile, With

ungrammatical lips, And corns that mar her trips.

Hung from the "flies" in air, She acts a palpable lie, She's as little a

fairy there As unpoetical I! I hear you asking, Why - Why in the world I

sing This tawdry, tinselled thing?

No airy fairy she, As she hangs in arsenic green From a highly

impossible tree In a highly impossible scene (Herself not over-clean). For

fays don't suffer, I'm told, From bunions, coughs, or cold.

And stately dames that bring Their daughters there to see, Pronounce

the "dancing thing" No better than she should be, With her skirt at her

shameful knee, And her painted, tainted phiz: Ah, matron, which of us is?

(And, in sooth, it oft occurs That while these matrons sigh, Their

dresses are lower than hers, And sometimes half as high; And their hair is

hair they buy, And they use their glasses, too, In a way she'd blush to do.)

But change her gold and green For a coarse merino gown, And see her

upon the scene Of her home, when coaxing down Her drunken father's

frown, In his squalid cheerless den: She's a fairy truly, then!

The Bab Ballads

Ballad: General John

The bravest names for fire and flames And all that mortal durst, Were

GENERAL JOHN and PRIVATE JAMES, Of the Sixty-seventy-first.

GENERAL JOHN was a soldier tried, A chief of warlike dons; A

haughty stride and a withering pride Were MAJOR-GENERAL JOHN'S.

A sneer would play on his martial phiz, Superior birth to show; "Pish!"

was a favourite word of his, And he often said "Ho! ho!"

FULL-PRIVATE JAMES described might be, As a man of a mournful

mind; No characteristic trait had he Of any distinctive kind.

From the ranks, one day, cried PRIVATE JAMES, "Oh! MAJOR-

GENERAL JOHN, I've doubts of our respective names, My mournful

mind upon.

"A glimmering thought occurs to me (Its source I can't unearth), But

I've a kind of a notion we Were cruelly changed at birth.

"I've a strange idea that each other's names We've each of us here got

on. Such things have been," said PRIVATE JAMES. "They have!" sneered

GENERAL JOHN.

"My GENERAL JOHN, I swear upon My oath I think 'tis so - "

"Pish!" proudly sneered his GENERAL JOHN, And he also said "Ho! ho!"

"My GENERAL JOHN! my GENERAL JOHN! My GENERAL

JOHN!" quoth he, "This aristocratical sneer upon Your face I blush to see!

"No truly great or generous cove Deserving of them names, Would

sneer at a fixed idea that's drove In the mind of a PRIVATE JAMES!"

Said GENERAL JOHN, "Upon your claims No need your breath to

waste; If this is a joke, FULL-PRIVATE JAMES, It's a joke of doubtful

taste.

"But, being a man of doubtless worth, If you feel certain quite That we

were probably changed at birth, I'll venture to say you're right."

So GENERAL JOHN as PRIVATE JAMES Fell in, parade upon; And

PRIVATE JAMES, by change of names, Was MAJOR-GENERAL JOHN.

The Bab Ballads

Ballad: To A Little Maid - By A

Policeman

Come with me, little maid, Nay, shrink not, thus afraid - I'll harm thee

not! Fly not, my love, from me - I have a home for thee - A fairy grot,

Where mortal eye Can rarely pry, There shall thy dwelling be!

List to me, while I tell The pleasures of that cell, Oh, little maid! What

though its couch be rude, Homely the only food Within its shade? No

thought of care Can enter there, No vulgar swain intrude!

Come with me, little maid, Come to the rocky shade I love to sing;

Live with us, maiden rare - Come, for we "want" thee there, Thou elfin

thing, To work thy spell, In some cool cell In stately Pentonville!

The Bab Ballads

Ballad: John And Freddy

JOHN courted lovely MARY ANN, So likewise did his brother,

FREDDY. FRED was a very soft young man, While JOHN, though quick,

was most unsteady.

FRED was a graceful kind of youth, But JOHN was very much the

strongest. "Oh, dance away," said she, "in truth, I'll marry him who dances

longest."

JOHN tries the maiden's taste to strike With gay, grotesque, outrageous

dresses, And dances comically, like CLODOCHE AND Co., at the

Princess's.

But FREDDY tries another style, He knows some graceful steps and

does 'em - A breathing Poem - Woman's smile - A man all poesy and

buzzem.

Now FREDDY'S operatic PAS - Now JOHNNY'S hornpipe seems

entrapping: Now FREDDY'S graceful ENTRECHATS - Now JOHNNY'S

skilful "cellar-flapping."

For many hours - for many days - For many weeks performed each

brother, For each was active in his ways, And neither would give in to

t'other.

After a month of this, they say (The maid was getting bored and

moody) A wandering curate passed that way And talked a lot of goody-

goody.

"Oh my," said he, with solemn frown, "I tremble for each dancing

FRATER, Like unregenerated clown And harlequin at some the-ayter."

He showed that men, in dancing, do Both impiously and absurdly, And

proved his proposition true, With Firstly, Secondly, and Thirdly.

For months both JOHN and FREDDY danced, The curate's protests

little heeding; For months the curate's words enhanced The sinfulness of

their proceeding.

At length they bowed to Nature's rule - Their steps grew feeble and

unsteady, Till FREDDY fainted on a stool, And JOHNNY on the top of

FREDDY.

The Bab Ballads

"Decide!" quoth they, "let him be named, Who henceforth as his wife

may rank you." "I've changed my views," the maiden said, "I only marry

curates, thank you!"

Says FREDDY, "Here is goings on! To bust myself with rage I'm

ready." "I'll be a curate!" whispers JOHN - "And I," exclaimed poetic

FREDDY.

But while they read for it, these chaps, The curate booked the maiden

bonny - And when she's buried him, perhaps, She'll marry FREDERICK

or JOHNNY.

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TheBabBallads1TheBabBalladsW.S.GilbertTheBabBallads2Ballad:CaptainReeceOfalltheshipsupontheblue,NoshipcontainedabettercrewThanthatofworthyCAPTAINREECE,CommandingofTHEMANTELPIECE.Hewasadoredbyallhismen,ForworthyCAPTAINREECE,R.N.,DidallthatlaywithinhimtoPromotethecomfortofhiscrew.Ifevertheyweredullors...

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