The Mirror of Kong Ho(空赫的镜子)

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THE MIRROR OF KONG HO

THE MIRROR OF

KONG HO

BY ERNEST BRAMAH

THE MIRROR OF KONG HO

A lively and amusing collection of letters on western living written by

Kong Ho, a Chinese gentleman. These addressed to his homeland, refer to

the Westerners in London as barbarians and many of the aids to life in our

society give Kong Ho endless food for thought. These are things such as

the motor car and the piano; unknown in China at this time.

THE MIRROR OF KONG HO

INTRODUCTION

ESTIMABLE BARBARIAN,--Your opportune suggestion that I

should permit the letters, wherein I have described with undeviating

fidelity the customs and manner of behaving of your accomplished race, to

be set forth in the form of printed leaves for all to behold, is doubtless

gracefully-intentioned, and this person will raise no barrier of dissent

against it.

In this he is inspired by the benevolent hope that his immature

compositions may to one extent become a model and a by-word to those

who in turn visit his own land of Fragrant Purity; for with exacting care he

has set down no detail that has not come under his direct observation

(although it is not to be denied that here or there he may, perchance, have

misunderstood an involved allusion or failed to grasp the inner

significance of an act), so that Impartiality necessarily sways his brush,

and Truth lurks within his inkpot.

In an entirely contrary manner some, who of recent years have

gratified us with their magnanimous presence, have returned to their own

countries not only with the internal fittings of many of our palaces (which,

being for the most part of a replaceable nature, need be only trivially

referred to, the incident, indeed, being generally regarded as a most cordial

and pressing variety of foreign politeness), but also--in the lack of highly-

spiced actuality--with subtly-imagined and truly objectionable instances.

These calumnies they have not hesitated to commit to the form of printed

books, which, falling into the hands of the ignorant and undiscriminating,

may even suggest to their ill-balanced minds a doubt whether we of the

Celestial Empire really are the wisest, bravest, purest, and most

enlightened people in existence.

As a parting, it only remains to be said that, in order to maintain

unimpaired the quaint-sounding brevity and archaic construction of your

prepossessing language, I have engraved most of the remarks upon the

receptive tablets of my mind as they were uttered. To one who can repeat

the Five Classics without stumbling this is a contemptible achievement.

THE MIRROR OF KONG HO

Let it be an imposed obligation, therefore, that you retain these portions

unchanged as a test and a proof to all who may read. Of my own deficient

words, I can only in truest courtesy maintain that any alteration must of

necessity make them less offensively commonplace than at present they

are.

The Sign and immutable Thumb-mark of, Kong Ho

By a sure hand to the House of one Ernest Bramah.

THE MIRROR OF KONG HO

LETTER I

Concerning the journey. The unlawful demons invoked by certain of

the barbarians; their power and the manner of their suppression.

suppression. The incredible obtuseness of those who attend within tea-

houses. The harmonious attitude of a person of commerce.

VENERATED SIRE (at whose virtuous and well-established feet an

unworthy son now prostrates himself in spirit repeatedly),--

Having at length reached the summit of my journey, that London of

which the merchants from Canton spoke so many strange and incredible

things, I now send you filial salutations three times increased, and in

accordance with your explicit command I shall write all things to you with

an unvarnished brush, well assured that your versatile object in

committing me to so questionable an enterprise was, above all, to learn the

truth of these matters in an undeviating and yet open-headed spirit of

accuracy and toleration.

Of the perils incurred while travelling in the awe-inspiring devices by

which I was transferred from shore to shore and yet further inland, of the

utter absence of all leisurely dignity on the part of those controlling their

movements, and of the almost unnatural self-opinionatedness which led

them to persist in starting at a stated and prearranged time, even when this

person had courteously pointed out to them by irrefutable omens that

neither the day nor the hour was suitable for the venture, I have already

written. It is enough to assert that a similar want of prudence was

maintained on every occasion, and, as a result, when actually within sight

of the walls of this city, we were involved for upwards of an hour in a very

evilly-arranged yellow darkness, which, had we but delayed for a day, as I

strenuously advised those in authority after consulting the Sacred Flat and

Round Sticks, we should certainly have avoided.

Concerning the real nature of the devices by which the ships are

propelled at sea and the carriages on land, I must still unroll a blank mind

until I can secretly, and without undue hazard, examine them more closely.

THE MIRROR OF KONG HO

If, as you maintain, it is the work of captive demons hidden away among

their most inside parts, it must be admitted that these usually intractable

beings are admirably trained and controlled, and I am wide-headed enough

to think that in this respect we might--not-withstanding our nine thousand

years of civilised refinement--learn something of the methods of these

barbarians. The secret, however, is jealously guarded, and they deny the

existence of any supernatural forces; but their protests may be ignored, for

there is undoubtedly a powerful demon used in a similar way by some of

the boldest of them, although its employment is unlawful. A certain kind

of chariot is used for the occupation of this demon, and those who wish to

invoke it conceal their faces within masks of terrifying design, and cover

their hands and bodies with specially prepared garments, without which it

would be fatal to encounter these very powerful spirits. While yet among

the habitations of men, and in crowded places, they are constrained to use

less powerful demons, which are lawful, but when they reach the

unfrequented paths they throw aside all restraint, and, calling to their aid

the forbidden spirit (which they do by secret movements of the hands),

they are carried forward by its agency at a speed unattainable by merely

human means. By day the demon looks forth from three white eyes, which

at night have a penetrating brilliance equal to the fiercest glances of the

Sacred Dragon in anger. If any person incautiously stands in its way it

utters a warning cry of intolerable rage, and should the presumptuous one

neglect to escape to the roadside and there prostrate himself reverentially

before it, it seizes him by the body part and contemptuously hurls him

bruised and unrecognisable into the boundless space of the around.

Frequently the demon causes the chariot to rise into the air, and it is

credibly asserted by discriminating witnesses (although this person only

sets down as incapable of denial that which he has actually beheld) that

some have maintained an unceasing flight through the middle air for a

distance of many li. Occasionally the captive demon escapes from the

bondage of those who have invoked it, through some incautious gesture or

heretical remark on their part, and then it never fails to use them

grievously, casting them to the ground wounded, consuming the chariot

with fire, and passing away in the midst of an exceedingly debased odour,

THE MIRROR OF KONG HO

by which it is always accompanied after the manner of our own earth

spirits.

This being, as this person has already set forth, an unlawful demon on

account of its power when once called up, and the admitted uncertainty of

its movements, those in authority maintain a stern and inexorable face

towards the practice. To entrap the unwary certain persons (chosen on

account of their massive outlines, and further protected from evil

influences by their pure and consistent habits) keep an unceasing watch.

When one of them, himself lying concealed, detects the approach of such a

being, he closely observes the position of the sun, and signals to the other

a message of warning. Then the second one, shielded by the sanctity of his

life and rendered inviolable by the nature of his garments--his sandals

alone being capable of overturning any demon from his path should it

encounter them--boldly steps forth into the road and holds out before him

certain sacred emblems. So powerful are these that at the sight the

unlawful demon confesses itself vanquished, and although its whole body

trembles with ill-contained rage, and the air around is poisoned by its

discreditable exhalation, it is devoid of further resistance. Those in the

chariot are thereupon commanded to dismiss it, and being bound in chains

they are led into the presence of certain lesser mandarins who administer

justice from a raised dais.

"Behold!" exclaims the chief of the captors, when the prisoners have

been placed in obsequious attitudes before the lesser mandarins, "thus the

matter chanced: The honourable Wang, although disguised under the

semblance of an applewoman, had discreetly concealed himself by the

roadside, all but his head being underneath a stream of stagnant water,

when, at the eighth hour of the morning, he beheld these repulsive outcasts

approaching in their chariot, carried forward by the diabolical vigour of

the unlawful demon. Although I had stationed myself several li distant

from the accomplished Wang, the chariot reached me in less than a

breathing space of time, those inside assuming their fiercest and most

aggressive attitudes, and as they came repeatedly urging the demon to

increased exertions. Their speed exceeded that of the swallow in his

hymeneal flight, all shrubs and flowers by the wayside withered incapably

THE MIRROR OF KONG HO

at the demon's contaminating glance, running water ceased to flow, and

the road itself was scorched at their passage, the earth emitting a dull

bluish flame. These facts, and the times and the distances, this person has

further inscribed in a book which thus disposes of all possible defence.

Therefore, O lesser mandarins, let justice be accomplished heavily and

without delay; for, as the proverb truly says, 'The fiercer the flame the

more useless the struggles of the victim.'"

At this point the prisoners frequently endeavour to make themselves

heard, protesting that in the distance between the concealed Wang and the

one who stands accusing them they had thrice stopped to repair their

innermost details, had leisurely partaken of food and wine, and had also

been overtaken, struck, and delayed by a funeral procession. But so great

is the execration in which these persons are held, that although murderers

by stealth, outlaws, snatchers from the body, and companies of men who

by strategy make a smaller sum of money appear to be larger, can all

freely testify their innocence, raisers of this unlawful demon must not do

so, and they are beaten on the head with chains until they desist.

Then the lesser mandarins, raising their voices in unison, exclaim,

`The amiable Tsay-hi has reported the matter in a discreet and impartial

spirit. Hear our pronouncement: These raisers of illegal spirits shall each

contribute ten taels of gold, which shall be expended in joss-sticks, in

purifying the road which they have scorched, and in alleviating the distress

of the poor and virtuous of both sexes. The praiseworthy Tsay-hi,

moreover, shall embroider upon his sleeve an honourable sign in

remembrance of the event. Let drums now be beat, and our verdict loudly

proclaimed throughout the province."

These things, O my illustrious father (although on account of my

contemptible deficiencies of style much may seem improbable to your all-

knowing mind), these things I write with an unbending brush; for I set

down only that which I have myself seen, or read in their own printed

records. Doubtless it will occur to one of your preternatural intelligence

that our own system of administering justice, whereby the person who can

hire the greater number of witnesses is reasonably held to be in the right,

although perhaps not absolutely infallible, is in every way more

THE MIRROR OF KONG HO

convenient; but, as it is well said, "To the blind, night is as acceptable as

day."

Henceforth you will have no hesitation in letting it be known

throughout Yuen-ping that these foreign barbarians do possess secret

demons, in spite of their denials. Doubtless I shall presently discover

others no less powerful.

With honourable distinction this person has at length grasped the

essential details of the spoken language here--not sufficiently well, indeed,

to make himself understood on most occasions, or even to understand

others, but enough to perceive clearly when he fails to become intelligible

or when they experience a like difficulty with him. Upon an earlier

occasion, before he had made so much progress, being one day left to his

own resources, and feeling an internal lack, he entered what appeared to

be a tea-shop of reputable demeanour, and, seating himself at one of the

little marble tables, he freely pronounced the carefully-learned word "rice"

to the attending nymph. To put aside all details of preparation (into which,

indeed, this person could not enter) he waved his hand gracefully, at the

same time smiling with an expression of tolerant acquiescence, as of one

who would say that what was good enough to be cooked and offered by so

entrancing a maiden was good enough to be eaten by him. After remaining

in unruffled tranquillity for the full portion of an hour, and observing that

no other person around had to wait above half that period, this one began

to perceive that the enterprise was not likely to terminate in a manner

satisfactory to himself; so that, leaving this place with a few well-chosen

phrases of intolerable regret in his own tongue, he entered another, and

conducted himself in a like fashion. . . . Towards evening, with an

unperturbed exterior, but materially afflicted elsewhere, this person seated

himself within the eleventh tea-shop, and, pointing first towards his own

constituents of digestion, then at the fire, and lastly in an upward direction,

thereby signified to any not of stunted intellect that he had reached such a

condition of mind and body that he was ready to consume whatever the

ruling deities were willing to allot, whether boiled, baked, roast, or

suspended from a skewer. In this resolve nothing would move him, until--

after many maidens had approached with outstretched hands and gestures

THE MIRROR OF KONG HO

of despair--there presently entered a person wearing the helmet of a

warrior and the manner of a high official, who spoke strongly, yet

persuasively, of the virtues of immediate movement and a quiet and

reposeful bearing.

Assuredly a people who devote so little attention to the study of food,

and all matters connected with it, must inevitably remain barbaric,

however skilfully they may feign a superficial refinement. It is said,

although I do not commit this matter to my own brush, that among them

are more books composed on subjects which have no actual existence than

on cooking, and, incredible as it may appear, to be exceptionally round-

bodied confers no public honour upon the individual. Should a favourable

occasion present itself, there are many who do not scruple to jest upon the

subject of food, or, what is incalculably more depraved, upon the scarcity

of it.

Nevertheless, there are exceptions of a highly distinguished radiance.

Among these must be accounted one into whose presence this person was

recently led by our polished and harmonious friend Quang-Tsun, the

merchant in tea and spices. This versatile person, whose business-name is

spoken of as Jones Bob-Jones, is worthy of all benignant respect, and in a

really enlightened country would doubtless be raised to a more exalted

position than that of a breaker of outsides (an occupation difficult to

express adequately in the written language of a country where it is

unknown), for his face is like the sun setting in the time of harvest, his

waist garment excessive, and the undoubted symmetry of his middle

portions honourable in the extreme. So welcome in my eyes, after

witnessing an unending stream of concave and attenuated barbarian ghosts,

was the sight of these perfections of Jones Bob-Jones, that instead of the

formal greeting of this Island--the unmeaning "How do you do it?"--I

shook hands cordially with myself, and exclaimed affectionately in our

own language, "Illimitable felicities! How is your stomach?"

"Well," replied Jones Bob-Jones, after Quang-Tsun had interpreted this

polite salutation to his understanding, "since you mention it, that's just the

trouble; but I'm going on pretty well, thanks. I've tried most of the

advertised things, and now my doctor has put me practically on a bread-

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THEMIRROROFKONGHO1THEMIRROROFKONGHOBYERNESTBRAMAHTHEMIRROROFKONGHO2AlivelyandamusingcollectionoflettersonwesternlivingwrittenbyKongHo,aChinesegentleman.Theseaddressedtohishomeland,refertotheWesternersinLondonasbarbariansandmanyoftheaidstolifeinoursocietygiveKongHoendlessfoodforthought.Thesearethings...

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The Mirror of Kong Ho(空赫的镜子)

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