TOLD AFTER SUPPER(晚饭后的一席话)

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TOLD AFTER SUPPER

by Jerome K. Jerome

TOLD AFTER SUPPER

INTRODUCTORY

It was Christmas Eve.

I begin this way because it is the proper, orthodox, respectable way to

begin, and I have been brought up in a proper, orthodox, respectable way,

and taught to always do the proper, orthodox, respectable thing; and the

habit clings to me.

Of course, as a mere matter of information it is quite unnecessary to

mention the date at all. The experienced reader knows it was Christmas

Eve, without my telling him. It always is Christmas Eve, in a ghost story,

Christmas Eve is the ghosts' great gala night. On Christmas Eve they

hold their annual fete. On Christmas Eve everybody in Ghostland who

IS anybody--or rather, speaking of ghosts, one should say, I suppose, every

nobody who IS any nobody--comes out to show himself or herself, to see

and to be seen, to promenade about and display their winding-sheets and

grave-clothes to each other, to criticise one another's style, and sneer at

one another's complexion.

"Christmas Eve parade," as I expect they themselves term it, is a

function, doubtless, eagerly prepared for and looked forward to throughout

Ghostland, especially the swagger set, such as the murdered Barons, the

crime-stained Countesses, and the Earls who came over with the

Conqueror, and assassinated their relatives, and died raving mad.

Hollow moans and fiendish grins are, one may be sure, energetically

practised up. Blood-curdling shrieks and marrow-freezing gestures are

probably rehearsed for weeks beforehand. Rusty chains and gory

daggers are over-hauled, and put into good working order; and sheets and

shrouds, laid carefully by from the previous year's show, are taken down

and shaken out, and mended, and aired.

Oh, it is a stirring night in Ghostland, the night of December the

twenty-fourth!

Ghosts never come out on Christmas night itself, you may have

noticed. Christmas Eve, we suspect, has been too much for them; they

are not used to excitement. For about a week after Christmas Eve, the

gentlemen ghosts, no doubt, feel as if they were all head, and go about

TOLD AFTER SUPPER

making solemn resolutions to themselves that they will stop in next

Christmas Eve; while lady spectres are contradictory and snappish, and

liable to burst into tears and leave the room hurriedly on being spoken to,

for no perceptible cause whatever.

Ghosts with no position to maintain--mere middle-class ghosts--

occasionally, I believe, do a little haunting on off-nights: on All-hallows

Eve, and at Midsummer; and some will even run up for a mere local

event--to celebrate, for instance, the anniversary of the hanging of

somebody's grandfather, or to prophesy a misfortune.

He does love prophesying a misfortune, does the average British ghost.

Send him out to prognosticate trouble to somebody, and he is happy. Let

him force his way into a peaceful home, and turn the whole house upside

down by foretelling a funeral, or predicting a bankruptcy, or hinting at a

coming disgrace, or some other terrible disaster, about which nobody in

their senses want to know sooner they could possibly help, and the prior

knowledge of which can serve no useful purpose whatsoever, and he feels

that he is combining duty with pleasure. He would never forgive himself

if anybody in his family had a trouble and he had not been there for a

couple of months beforehand, doing silly tricks on the lawn, or balancing

himself on somebody's bed-rail.

Then there are, besides, the very young, or very conscientious ghosts

with a lost will or an undiscovered number weighing heavy on their minds,

who will haunt steadily all the year round; and also the fussy ghost, who is

indignant at having been buried in the dust-bin or in the village pond, and

who never gives the parish a single night's quiet until somebody has paid

for a first-class funeral for him.

But these are the exceptions. As I have said, the average orthodox

ghost does his one turn a year, on Christmas Eve, and is satisfied.

Why on Christmas Eve, of all nights in the year, I never could myself

understand. It is invariably one of the most dismal of nights to be out in-

-cold, muddy, and wet. And besides, at Christmas time, everybody has

quite enough to put up with in the way of a houseful of living relations,

without wanting the ghosts of any dead ones mooning about the place, I

am sure.

TOLD AFTER SUPPER

There must be something ghostly in the air of Christmas--something

about the close, muggy atmosphere that draws up the ghosts, like the

dampness of the summer rains brings out the frogs and snails.

And not only do the ghosts themselves always walk on Christmas Eve,

but live people always sit and talk about them on Christmas Eve.

Whenever five or six English-speaking people meet round a fire on

Christmas Eve, they start telling each other ghost stories. Nothing satisfies

us on Christmas Eve but to hear each other tell authentic anecdotes about

spectres. It is a genial, festive season, and we love to muse upon graves,

and dead bodies, and murders, and blood.

There is a good deal of similarity about our ghostly experiences; but

this of course is not our fault but the fault ghosts, who never will try any

new performances, but always will keep steadily to old, safe business.

The consequence is that, when you have been at one Christmas Eve party,

and heard six people relate their adventures with spirits, you do not require

to hear any more ghost stories. To listen to any further ghost stories after

that would be like sitting out two farcical comedies, or taking in two

comic journals; the repetition would become wearisome.

There is always the young man who was, one year, spending the

Christmas at a country house, and, on Christmas Eve, they put him to

sleep in the west wing. Then in the middle of the night, the room door

quietly opens and somebody--generally a lady in her night-dress--walks

slowly in, and comes and sits on the bed. The young man thinks it must

be one of the visitors, or some relative of the family, though he does not

remember having previously seen her, who, unable to go to sleep, and

feeling lonesome, all by herself, has come into his room for a chat. He

has no idea it is a ghost: he is so unsuspicious. She does not speak,

however; and, when he looks again, she is gone!

The young man relates the circumstance at the breakfast-table next

morning, and asks each of the ladies present if it were she who was his

visitor. But they all assure him that it was not, and the host, who has

grown deadly pale, begs him to say no more about the matter, which

strikes the young man as a singularly strange request.

After breakfast the host takes the young man into a corner, and

TOLD AFTER SUPPER

explains to him that what he saw was the ghost of a lady who had been

murdered in that very bed, or who had murdered somebody else there--it

does not really matter which: you can be a ghost by murdering

somebody else or by being murdered yourself, whichever you prefer.

The murdered ghost is, perhaps, the more popular; but, on the other hand,

you can frighten people better if you are the murdered one, because then

you can show your wounds and do groans.

Then there is the sceptical guest--it is always 'the guest' who gets let in

for this sort of thing, by-the-bye. A ghost never thinks much of his own

family: it is 'the guest' he likes to haunt who after listening to the host's

ghost story, on Christmas Eve, laughs at it, and says that he does not

believe there are such things as ghosts at all; and that he will sleep in the

haunted chamber that very night, if they will let him.

Everybody urges him not to be reckless, but he persists in his

foolhardiness, and goes up to the Yellow Chamber (or whatever colour the

haunted room may be) with a light heart and a candle, and wishes them all

good-night, and shuts the door.

Next morning he has got snow-white hair.

He does not tell anybody what he has seen: it is too awful.

There is also the plucky guest, who sees a ghost, and knows it is a

ghost, and watches it, as it comes into the room and disappears through the

wainscot, after which, as the ghost does not seem to be coming back, and

there is nothing, consequently, to be gained by stopping awake, he goes to

sleep.

He does not mention having seen the ghost to anybody, for fear of

frightening them--some people are so nervous about ghosts,--but

determines to wait for the next night, and see if the apparition appears

again.

It does appear again, and, this time, he gets out of bed, dresses himself

and does his hair, and follows it; and then discovers a secret passage

leading from the bedroom down into the beer-cellar,- -a passage which, no

doubt, was not unfrequently made use of in the bad old days of yore.

After him comes the young man who woke up with a strange sensation

in the middle of the night, and found his rich bachelor uncle standing by

TOLD AFTER SUPPER

his bedside. The rich uncle smiled a weird sort of smile and vanished.

The young man immediately got up and looked at his watch. It had

stopped at half-past four, he having forgotten to wind it.

He made inquiries the next day, and found that, strangely enough, his

rich uncle, whose only nephew he was, had married a widow with eleven

children at exactly a quarter to twelve, only two days ago,

The young man does not attempt to explain the circumstance. All he

does is to vouch for the truth of his narrative.

And, to mention another case, there is the gentleman who is returning

home late at night, from a Freemasons' dinner, and who, noticing a light

issuing from a ruined abbey, creeps up, and looks through the keyhole.

He sees the ghost of a 'grey sister' kissing the ghost of a brown monk, and

is so inexpressibly shocked and frightened that he faints on the spot, and is

discovered there the next morning, lying in a heap against the door, still

speechless, and with his faithful latch-key clasped tightly in his hand.

All these things happen on Christmas Eve, they are all told of on

Christmas Eve. For ghost stories to be told on any other evening than the

evening of the twenty-fourth of December would be impossible in English

society as at present regulated. Therefore, in introducing the sad but

authentic ghost stories that follow hereafter, I feel that it is unnecessary to

inform the student of Anglo-Saxon literature that the date on which they

were told and on which the incidents took place was--Christmas Eve.

Nevertheless, I do so.

TOLD AFTER SUPPER

HOW THE STORIES CAME TO

BE TOLD

It was Christmas Eve! Christmas Eve at my Uncle John's; Christmas

Eve (There is too much 'Christmas Eve' about this book. I can see that

myself. It is beginning to get monotonous even to me. But I don't see

how to avoid it now.) at No. 47 Laburnham Grove, Tooting! Christmas

Eve in the dimly-lighted (there was a gas-strike on) front parlour, where

the flickering fire-light threw strange shadows on the highly coloured

wall-paper, while without, in the wild street, the storm raged pitilessly, and

the wind, like some unquiet spirit, flew, moaning, across the square, and

passed, wailing with a troubled cry, round by the milk-shop.

We had had supper, and were sitting round, talking and smoking.

We had had a very good supper--a very good supper, indeed.

Unpleasantness has occurred since, in our family, in connection with this

party. Rumours have been put about in our family, concerning the matter

generally, but more particularly concerning my own share in it, and

remarks have been passed which have not so much surprised me, because

I know what our family are, but which have pained me very much. As

for my Aunt Maria, I do not know when I shall care to see her again. I

should have thought Aunt Maria might have known me better.

But although injustice--gross injustice, as I shall explain later on--has

been done to myself, that shall not deter me from doing justice to others;

even to those who have made unfeeling insinuations. I will do justice to

Aunt Maria's hot veal pasties, and toasted lobsters, followed by her own

special make of cheesecakes, warm (there is no sense, to my thinking, in

cold cheesecakes; you lose half the flavour), and washed down by Uncle

John's own particular old ale, and acknowledge that they were most tasty.

I did justice to them then; Aunt Maria herself could not but admit that.

After supper, Uncle brewed some whisky-punch. I did justice to that

also; Uncle John himself said so. He said he was glad to notice that I

liked it.

Aunt went to bed soon after supper, leaving the local curate, old Dr.

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TOLDAFTERSUPPER1TOLDAFTERSUPPERbyJeromeK.JeromeTOLDAFTERSUPPER2INTRODUCTORYItwasChristmasEve.Ibeginthiswaybecauseitistheproper,orthodox,respectablewaytobegin,andIhavebeenbroughtupinaproper,orthodox,respectableway,andtaughttoalwaysdotheproper,orthodox,respectablething;andthehabitclingstome.Ofcourse,a...

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