C M Kornbluth - I Never Ast No Favours

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I Never Ast No Favors

C. M. Kornbluth

I Never Ast No Favors

Dear Mr. Marino:

I hesitate to take pen in hand and write you because I guess you do not remember me except maybe as

a punk kid you did a good turn, and I know you must be a busy man running your undertaking parlor as

well as the Third Ward and your barber shop. I never ast no favors of nobody but this is a special case

which I hope you will agree when I explain.

To refresh your memory as the mouthpiece says in court, my name is Anthony Cornaro only maybe you

remember me better as Tough Tony, which is what they call me back home in the Ward. I am not the

Tough Tony from Water Street who is about 55 and doing a sixer up the river, I am the Tough Tony who

is going on seventeen from Brecker Street and who you got probation for last week after I slash that

nosy cop that comes flatfooting into the grocery store where some friends and I are just looking around

not knowing it is after hours and that the groceryman has went home. That is the Tough Tony that I am. I

guess you remember me now so I can go ahead.

With the probation, not that I am complaining, the trouble starts. The mouthpiece says he has known this

lad for years and he comes from a very fine churchgoing family and he has been led astray by bad

companions. So all

right, the judge says three years' probation, but he goes on to say if. If this, if that, environment, bad

influences, congested city streets, our vital dairy industry denuded —such a word from a judge!—of

labor . . .

Before I know what has happened, I am signing a paper, my Mama is putting her mark on it and I am on

my way toChiungaCountyto milk cows.

I figure the judge does not know I am a personal friend of yours and I do not want to embarrass you by

mentioning your name in open court, I figure I will get a chance later to straighten things out. Also, to tell

you the truth, I am too struck with horror to talk.

Oq the ride upstate I am handcuffed to the juvenile court officer so I cannot make a break for it, but at

last I get time to think and I realise that it is not as bad as it looks. I am supposed to work for a dame

named Mrs. Parry and get chow, clothes and Prevailering Wages. I figure it takes maybe a month for her

to break me in on the cow racket or even longer if I play dumb. During the month I get a few bucks, a

set of threads and take it easy and by then I figure you will have everything straightened out and I can get

back to my regular occupation, only more careful this time. Experience is the best teacher, Mr. Marino,

as I am sure you know.

Well, we arrive at this town Chiunga Forks and I swear to God I never saw such a creepy place. You

wouldn't believe it. The main drag is all of four blocks long and the stores and houses are from wood. I

expect to see Gary Cooper stalking down the street with a scowl on his puss and his hands on his guns

looking for the bad guys. Four hours from the Third Ward in a beat-up '48 police department

Buick—you wouldn't believe it.

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