George R. R. Martin - The Second Kind of Lonliness

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A man can be alone in deep space, far removed from all human company. And he can also cut

himself off from companionship, no matter where he is.

GEORGE R.R. MARTIN

June 18

My relief left Earth today.

It will be at least three months be-fore he gets here, of course. But he's on his way.

Today he lifted off from the Cape, just as I did, four long years ago. Out at Komarov Station he'll

switch to a moon boat, then switch again in or-bit around Luna, at Deepspace Sta-tion. There his voyage

will really be-gin. Up to then he's still been in his own backyard.

Not until the Charon casts loose from Deepspace Station and sets out into the night will he feel it,

really feel it, as I felt it four years ago. Not until Earth and Luna vanish behind him will it hit. He's known

from the first that there's no turning back, of course. But there's a difference be-tween knowing it and

feeling it. Now he'll feel it.

There will be an orbital stopover around Mars, to send supplies down to Burroughs City. And more

stops in the belt. But then the Charon will begin to gather speed. It will be go-ing very fast when it

reaches Jupiter. And much faster after it whips by, using the gravity of the giant planet like a slingshot to

boost its accelera-tion.

After that there are no stops for the Charon. No stops at all until it reaches me, out here at the

Cerberus Star Ring, six million miles beyond Pluto.

My relief will have a long time to brood. As I did.

I'm still brooding now, today, four years later. But then, there's not much else to do out here.

Ringships are infrequent, and you get pretty weary of films and tapes and books alter a time. So you

brood. You think about your past, and dream about your future. And you try to keep the loneliness and

the boredom from driving you out of your skull.

It's been a long four years. But it's almost over now. And it will be nice to get hack. I want to walk

on grass again, and see clouds, and eat an ice cream sundae.

Still, for all that, I don't regret coming. These four years alone in the darkness have done me good, I

think. It’s not as if I had left much. My days on earth seem remote to me now, but I can still remember

them if I try. The memories aren't all that pleasant. I was pretty screwed up back then.

I needed time to think, and that's one thing you get out here. The man who goes back on the Charon

won't he the same one who came out here tour years ago. I'll build a whole new life back on Earth. I

know I will.

June 20

Ship today.

I didn't know it was coming, of course. I never do. The ringships are irregular, and the kind of

energies I'm playing with out here turn radio signals into crackling chaos. By the time the ship finally

punched through the static, the station's scan-ners had already picked it up and notified me.

It was clearly a ringship. Much bigger than the old system rust-buck-ets like the Charon, and heavily

ar-mored to withstand the stresses of the nullspace vortex. It came straight on, with no attempt to

decelerate.

While I was heading down to the control room to strap in, a thought hit me. This might be the last.

Prob-ably not, of course. There's still three months to go, and that's time enough for a dozen ships. But

you can never tell. The ringships are irregular, like I said.

Somehow the thought disturbed me. The ships have been part of my life for four years now. An

important part. And the one today might have been the last. If so, I want it all down here. I want to

remember it. With good reason, I think. When the ships come, that makes everything else worthwhile.

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George R. R. Martin - The Second Kind of Lonliness

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