Jon Scieszka - Time Warp Trio 07 - Summer Reading is Killing Me!

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THE TIME WARP TRIO
Summer Reading
Is Killing Me!
by Jon Scieszka
PUFFIN BOOKS
ONE
“CLUCK, CLUCK,” the thing rumbled in a deep voice.
“Is that thing talking to us?” said Fred.
I looked around the small playground. Fred, Sam, and I stood at one end against a
chain-link fence. A very large, white, feathered thing stood next to the swing set at the other
end, It had yellow, scaly legs as big as baseball bats, little red eyes, and a dog collar.
“I think it’s a giant chicken,” I said.
Sam cleaned his glasses on his T-shirt and took another look at the other side of the
playground. “Yes, that is a two-hundred-fifty-pound chicken standing there.”
The sun glittered in its hungry little eyes.
“And yes, he looks like he’s planning to hurt us,” added Sam.
“Hey, it’s not my fault,” said Fred. “I didn’t touch The Book.”
“You did too,” I said.
“Did not,” said Fred.
“Did too.”
“Did not.”
“Did too.”
“Excuse me, guys,” said Sam. “Did you ever get the feeling that all of this has happened
before, exactly like this?”
The super-size chicken eyed us. He gave another gut-rumbling “CLUCK.”
“Well, except with maybe a black knight instead of a giant chicken, of course.”
Fred pushed back his Red Wings hat and scratched his head. “Hey yeah. It’s like ‘a la
mode’ or something.”
The chicken pecked the ground hungrily with jackhammer blows of its beak.
“You mean ‘deja vu,' ” said Sam, backing up against the fence. “And Joe, isn’t this right
about when you should do some magic trick and get us out of here?”
I stood there stunned, looking at a giant white chicken on a city playground. The swing
set, the
slide, the gravel, even the impossible chicken . . . Sam was right. Everything did look
familiar, but not really familiar. I couldn’t put my finger on it.
“Uh, Joe. Joe?” said Sam, elbowing me in the ribs while keeping his eye on the hungry
chicken. “The magic trick?”
“It’s like I’ve been here before, but I haven’t really been here before,” I said.
The monster bird twisted its head. It looked us over with one eye, then the other.
“Well, thank you for sharing your feelings,” said Sam. “And you know we would
just love to hear more . . . later. Right now it looks like that bird is thinking about his
own idea of chicken dinner— us. So how about that magic trick?”
The killer fowl started bobbing and walking toward us.
Fred bounced his fist off the top of my head. “Yeah, come on, Joe. You are the worst
magician I’ve ever known. Your Book got us into this. Do a real magic trick for once and get
us out of here.”
The chicken started trotting.
I racked my brain, There was no way I was going to try the classic “abracadabra” or
“hocus pocus” magic words to stop a charging chicken. And don’t even remind me of that
“please” and “thank you” mistake I made earlier in my career. But I had a flash of an idea. I
thought it could work. It just might work. So I gave it a try.
“Why did the chicken cross the road?” I yelled.
The chicken only flapped its wings and ran faster.
I cupped my hands like a megaphone and yelled punch lines: “To get to the other side. To
buy the newspaper. To get away from Colonel Sanders.”
Nothing worked. The monster chicken just looked madder and ran at us faster.
“I don’t want to end up as chicken feed,” wailed Sam, plastered against the fence.
At that moment, I saw a sign out of the corner of my eye. And I knew where we were.
The chicken thundered toward us, its deadly sharp beak pointed directly at us.
I stepped in front of Sam and Fred with my chest out.
“Hoboken,” I said.
“Chicken,” said Fred.
“Emergency!” screamed Sam.
“Exactly.”
TWO
This is going to be impossible to explain. But give me a chance and just let me try. I
think I know what happened.
To go back to the very beginning—my life has not been the same since my uncle Joe
gave me The Book for my birthday. This book is a small book.
A dark blue book with strange silver writing on it.
A book like no book I’ve ever read before or since.
It’s a time-warping book.
I know. I know. I can hear you laughing right now. You’re saying to yourself, “What’s
with this guy? He probably still believes in the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Everybody
knows you can’t travel through time with a book.”
I don’t blame you for not believing. I didn’t really believe it myself, either. Then we
opened The Book and started going places.
Since then, my friends Sam and Fred and I have gotten into trouble in just about every
time from the Stone Age to the future. We’ve run into pirates, robots, cavemen, you name it.
We’ve been chased by a woolly mammoth, stampeded by cattle, turned into mummies, and
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