Lovecraft, H P & Barlow, Robert - The Battle That Ended The Century

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The Battle That Ended the Century (MS. Found in a Time Machine)

The Battle That Ended the Century

(MS. Found in a Time Machine)

by H. P. Lovecraft and Robert Barlow

[Note: Barlow's contributions are in brackets.]

On the eve of the year 2001 a vast crowd of interested spectators were present amidst the

romantic ruins of Cohen's Garage, on the former site of New York, to witness a fistic

encounter between two renowned champions of the strange-story firmament -- Two-Gun

Bob, the Terror of the Plains, and Knockout Bernie, the Wild Wolf of West Shokan. [The

Wolf was fresh from his correspondence course in physical training, sold to him by Mr.

Arthur Leeds.] Before the battle the auguries were determined by the venerated Thibetan

Lama Bill Lum Li, who evoked the primal serpent-god of Valusia and found

unmistakable signs of victory for both sides. Cream-puffs were inattentively vended by

Wladislaw Brenryk -- the partakers being treated by the official surgeons, Drs. D. H.

Killer and M. Gin Brewery.

The gong was sounded at 39 o'clock, after which the air grew red with the gore of battle,

lavishly flung about by the mighty Texas slaughterer. Very shortly the first actual damage

occurred -- the loosening of several teeth in both participants. One, bouncing out from the

Wolf's mouth after a casual tap from Two-Gun, described a parabola toward Yucatan;

being retrieved in a hasty expedition by Messrs. A. Hijacked Barrell and G. A. Scotland.

This incident was used by the eminent sociologist and ex-poet Frank Chimesleep Short,

Jr., as the basis of a ballad of proletarian propaganda with three intentionally defective

lines. Meanwhile a potentate from a neighbouring kingdom, the Effjay of Akkamin (also

known to himself as an amateur critic), expressed his frenzied disgust at the technique of

the combatants, at the same time peddling photographs of the fighters (with himself in the

foreground) at five cents each.

In round two the Shokan Soaker's sturdy right crashed through the Texan's ribs and

became entangled in sundry viscera; thereby enabling Two Gun to get in several telling

blows on his opponent's unprotected chin. Bob was greatly annoyed by the effeminate

squeamishness shewn by several onlookers as muscles, glands, gore, and bits of flesh

were spattered over the ringside. During this round the eminent magazine-cover

anatomist Mrs. M. Blunderage portrayed the battlers as a pair of spirited nudes behind a

thin veil of conveniently curling tobacco-smoke, while the late Mr. C. HalfCent provided

a sketch of three Chinamen clad in silk hats and galoshes -- this being his own original

conception of the affray. Among the amateur sketches made was one by Mr. Goofy

Hooey, which later gained fame in the annual Cubist exhibit as "Abstraction of an

Eradicated Pudding".

In the third round the fight grew really rough; several ears and other appurtenances being

wholly or partially detached from the frontier battler by the Shokan Shocker. Somewhat

irritated, Two-Gun countered with some exceptionally sharp blows; severing many

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Lovecraft, H P & Barlow, Robert - The Battle That Ended The Century

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