
Diamonds Are For Never
by Michael P Calligaro
"Why you dirty rat fink. I outta--"
Slyra the Syrup King stopped suddenly. When every organic molecule in your body splits its bonds, you
tend to shut up. An organiblaster will even quiet must Slurgs, though once in a while those guys will
continue on for a second or two. The damn things are all mouth.
I returned my blaster to its holster beneath my desk and nodded to Sammy's Little Helper, "Get 'em,
SLiH." Like an excited puppy, the egg-shaped 'bot rolled to his feet and hopped off the desk. Most Joes
use destructoblasters, or even annihiblasters, but then you can't rifle through your victim's pockets
searching for loose change.
A few seconds later SLiH hopped back onto my desk and deposited a few coins on the ink blotter.
"Damn," I muttered to the thick air. "The pancake-condiment business just isn't what it used to be, is it
Slyra?" Of course, when a private dick like me learns that you've been boffing your employees' wives
and gets you axed from your own company, you tend to go light on the spending cash.
I noticed that SLiH was holding two of his four arms behind his back. After painting on a frown, I looked
down my nose at the 'bot. "Now wait just a second there, Little Man. A birdie says you're holding out on
me."
SLiH scowled, pulled a hand off, pointed the arm just over my shoulder, and fired. I looked back to see
a bird falling from the sky. Grinning, I shook my head. "Not that one." SLiH whistled off key as he
reattached his hand and looked up at the ceiling. Under his original programming he never even tried to
steal stuff. Who designs these things? I held out a palm and commanded, "Hand it over."
His "I'm trying to look innocent" face became a depressed frown. After dejectedly kicking the electric ink
blotter, he dropped something into my hand. Without looking at the object, I reached my other hand into
my top drawer and drew out a battery. SLiH's eyes became big, and the frown turned into a wide grin. I
tossed the battery in his general direction, causing him to leap into the air and catch it in his mouth. You
didn't even have to bribe the original SLiH units. How can you trust a guy that does everything you ask
him to? Everyone's got an agenda. I only worry about the perps that pretend not to.
I understand greed, lust, avarice, and greed. Every time I've encountered someone not driven by at least
two of the above, I've packed up and moved to another universe. And I've only had to move four times
so far.
A knock on the door made me hastily mutter to SLiH, "Quick, clean up that mess down there. We've got
company." SLiH puffed out his chest, stood on his tiptoes, and saluted me. Then he did a back flip off my
desk. While I gave him a second to collect Slyra's non-organic things, I glanced down at the object in my
hand. It was a rare gem worth almost what the estate owed me for the snoop job. Sometimes you get
paid even when the universe conspires against you.
I tossed the gem into a drawer and called out, "Yeah?"
In walked a real dame. She had legs that went all the way to the floor--six of them--and enough
mammary glands to feed a whole litter of pups.
Of course, she wasn't my type. I prefer redheads.