Mike Resnick - Mrs. Hood Unloads

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MRS. HOOD UNLOADS

by Mike Resnick

Yes, Mrs. Grobnik, it's a new set of tiles. My son the Most

Wanted Felon gave them to me. Probably they used to belong to the

rabbi's wife.

He just gave them to me last week. He'd been keeping them for

me for three months. Two nights a week he can sneak into the

castle and annoy the King, but can he come by for dinner with his

mother more than once in three months?

You think you've got _tsouris_? Well, God may ignore you from

time to time, but He _hates_ me.

I don't mean to complain...but what did I ever do to deserve

such a _schmendrik_ for a son? I think they must have switched

babies at the hospital, I really do. 26 hours I spent in labor,

and for what? You work and you slave, you try to give your son a

sense of values, and then even when he stops by he gulps his food

and can never stay for dessert because the army is after him.

So at least you can write and tell me how you're doing, Mr.

Big Shot, I tell him. And do you know what he says to that? He

says he can't write because he's illiterate. Me, I say he's just

using that as an excuse.

You break the wall, Mrs. Noodleman. Can I bring anyone some

tea?

Well, of course he robs from the rich, Mrs. Grobnik. I mean,

what's the sense of robbing from the poor? But why does he have

to rob at all? Why couldn't he have been a doctor? But he says no,

he's got this calling, that God told him he has to rob from the

rich and give to the poor. When I was fourteen, God told me that I

was a fairy princess, but you didn't see me going out and kissing

any frogs. Anyway, I tell him that maybe he's misinterpreting,

that maybe God is telling him to be a banker or a real estate

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Mike Resnick - Mrs. Hood Unloads

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