Mike Resnick - The Trials and Tribulations of Myron Blumberg

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THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF MYRON

BLUMBERG, DRAGON

by Mike Resnick

Sylvia's always after me.

"It's a skin condition," she says.

"It's a wart," I say.

"It's a skin condition and you're going to the doctor and

don't touch me until he gives you something for it."

So I go to the doctor, and he gives me something for it, and

she makes me sleep in the guest room anyway.

"Myron, you're green," she says.

"You mean like I don't know the ropes, or you mean like I got

ptomaine poisoning from your tuna salad?" I ask.

"I mean like you're the same color as the grass," she says.

"Maybe it's the lotion the doctor gave me," I say.

"It doesn't come off on your shirts," she says.

"So maybe it all dried up," I say.

"Maybe," she says, "but stay in your room when I have the

girls over for mah jong."

"I told you not to smoke in bed," she says.

"I know," I says.

"Well, then?" she says.

"Well then, _what_?" I say.

"Well then why are you smoking in bed?" she says.

"I'm not," I say.

"Then how did your pillow get scorched?" she says.

"Not from the passion of your love-making, that's for sure,"

I say.

"Don't be disgusting," she says.

Then I belch, and out comes all this smoke and fire, and she

says if I ever lie to her again she's going to give me a rolling

pin upside my head, and then she walks out of the house before I

can tell her I haven't lit up a cigarette in four days.

"It looks like a cancerous growth," she says.

"It's just a swelling," I say. "There must be a busted spring

in the chair."

"You should see a doctor," she says.

"Last time you sent me to a doctor I turned green," I say.

"This time you'll see a specialist," she says.

"A specialist in swellings?" I ask.

"A specialist in tails," she says.

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Mike Resnick - The Trials and Tribulations of Myron Blumberg

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