Roger Zelazny - Collectors Fever

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Roger Zelazny. Collector's Fever

"What are you doing there, human?"

"It's a long story."

"Good, I like long stories. Sit down and talk. No--not on me!"

"Sorry. Well, it's all because of my uncle, the fabulously

wealthy--"

"Stop. What does 'wealthy' mean?"

"Well, like rich."

"And 'rich'?"

"Hm. Lots of money."

"What's money?"

"You want to hear this story or don't you?"

"Yes, but I'd like to understand it too."

"Sorry, Rock, I'm afraid I don't understand it all myself."

"The name is Stone."

"Okay, Stone. My uncle, who is a very important man, was supposed

to send me to the Space Academy, but he didn't. He decided a liberal

education was a better thing. So he sent me to his old spinster alma

mater to major in nonhuman humanities. You with me, so far?"

"No, but understanding is not necessarily an adjunct to

appreciation."

"That's what I say. I'll never understand Uncle Sidney, but I

appreciate his outrageous tastes, his magpie instinct and his gross

meddling in other people's affairs. I appreciate them till I'm sick

to the stomach. There's nothing else I can do. He's a carnivorous

old family monument, and fond of having his own way. Unfortunately,

he also has all the money in the family--so it follows, like a _xxt_

after a _zzn_, that he always _does_ have his own way."

"This money must be pretty important stuff."

"Important enough to send me across ten thousand light-years to an

unnamed world, which, incidentally, I've just named Dunghill."

"The low-flying _zatt_ is a heavy eater, which accounts for its

low flying..."

"So I've noted. That _is_ moss though, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Good, then crating will be less of a problem."

"What's 'crating'?"

"It means to put something in a box to take it somewhere else."

"Like moving around?"

"Yes."

"What are you planning on crating?"

"Yourself, Stone."

"I've never been the rolling sort..."

"Listen, Stone, my uncle is a rock collector, see? You are the

only species of intelligent mineral in the galaxy. You are also the

largest specimen I've spotted so far. Do you follow me?"

"Yes, but I don't want to."

"Why not? You'd be lord of his rock collection. Sort of a

one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind, if I may venture an

inappropriate metaphor."

"Please don't do that, whatever it is. It sounds awful. Tell me,

how did your uncle learn of our world?"

"One of my instructors read about this place in an old space log.

_He_ was an old space log collector. The log had belonged to a

Captain Fairhill, who landed here several centuries ago and held

lengthy discourses with your people."

"Good old Foul Weather Fairhill! How is he these days? Give him

my regards--"

"He's dead."

"What?"

file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Roger%20Zelazny%20-%20Collectors%20Fever.txt (1 of 2) [10/16/2004 4:58:51 PM]

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Roger Zelazny - Collectors Fever

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