Robert A Heinlein - Magic, Inc

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MAGIC, INC

by Robert A. Heinlein

'Whose spells are you using, buddy?' That was the first thing this bird said

after coming into my place of business, He had hung around maybe twenty

minutes, until I was alone, looking at samples of waterproof pigment,

fiddling with plumbing catalogues, and monkeying with the hardware display.

I didn't like his manner. I don't mind a legitimate business inquiry from a

customer_ but I resent gratuitus snooping.

Various of the local licensed practitioners of thaumaturgy,' I told him in a

tone that was chilly but polite. Why do you ask?'

You didn't answer my question,' he pointed out. Come on - speak up. I ain't

got all day.'

I restrained myself. I require my clerks to he polite, and, while I was

pretty sure this chap would never be a customer, I didn't want to break my

own rules. If you are thinking of buying anything,' I said, I will be happy

to tell you what magic, if any, is used in producing it, and who the

magician is.

Now you're not being cooperative,' he complained. We like for people to be

cooperative. You never can tell what bad luck you may run into not

cooperating.'

Who d'you mean by we , I snapped, dropping all pretence of politeness, and

what do you mean by bad luck?'

'Now we're getting somewhere,' he said with a nasty grin, and settled

himself on the edge of the counter so that he breathed into my face He was

short and swarthy - Sicilian, I judged and dressed in a suit that was

overtailered. His clothes and haberdashery matched perfectly in a color

scheme that I didn't like. 'I'll tell you what I mean by "we"; I'm a field

representatve for an organisation that protects people. from bad luck - if

they're smart, and cooperative. That's why I asked you whose charms you're

usin'. Some of the magicians around here aren't cooperative; it spoils their

luck, and that bad luck follows their products.

'Go on.' I said. I wanted him to commit himself as far as he would.

I knew you were smart,' he answered. F'rinstance - how would you like for a

salamander to get loose in your shop, setting fire to your goods and maybe

scaring your customers? Or you sell the materials to build a house, and it

turns out there's a Poltergeist living in it, breaking the dishes and

souring the milk and kicking the furniture around. That's what can come of

dealing with the wrong magicians. A little of that and your business is

ruined. We wouldn't want that to happen, would we?' He favoured me with

another leer.

I said nothing; he went on, Now, we maintain a staff of the finest

demonologists in the business, expert magicians themselves, who can report

on how a magician conducts himself in the Half World, and whether or not

he's likely to bring his clients bad luck. Then we advise our clients whom

to deal with, and keep them from having bad luck. See?'

I saw all right. I wasn't born yesterday. The magicians I dealt with were

local men that I had known for years, men with established reputations both

here and in the Half World. They didn't do anything to stir up the

elementals against them, and they did not have bad luck.

What this slimy item meant was that I should deal only with the magicians

they selected at whatever fees they chose to set, and they would take a cut

on the fees and also on the profits of my business. If I didn't choose to

cooperate', I'd be persecuted by elementals they had an arrangement with -

renegades, probably, with human vices - my stock in trade spoiled and my

customers frightened away. If I still held out, I could expect some really

dangerous black magic that would injure or kill me. All this under the

pretence of selling me protection from men I knew and liked.

A neat racket!

I had heard of something of the sort back East, but had not expected it in a

city as small as ours. He sat there, smirking at me, waiting for my reply,

and twisting his neck in his collar, which was too tight. That caused me to

notice something. In spite of his foppish clothes a thread showed on his

neck just above the collar in back. It seemed likely that it was there to

support something next to his skin - an amulet. If so, he was superstitious,

even in this day and age.

There's something you've omitted,' I told him. I'm a seventh son, born under

a caul, and I've got second sight. My luck's all right, but I can see bad

luck hovering over you like cypress over a grave!' I reached out and

snatched at the thread. It snapped and came loose in my hand. There was an

amulet on it, rght enough, an unsavoury little wad of nothing in particular

and about as appetizing as the bottom of a bird cage. I dropped it on the

floor and ground it into the dirt.

He had jumped off the counter and stood facing me, breathing hard. A knife

showed up in his right hand; with his left hand he was warding off the evil

eye, the first and little fingers pointed at me, making the horns of

Asmodeus. I knew I had him - for the time being.

Here's some magic you may not have heard of,' I rapped out, and reached into

a drawer behind the counter. I hauled Out a pistol and pointed it at his

face. Cold iron! Now go back to your owner and tell him there's cold iron

waiting for him, too - both ways!'

He backed away, never taking his eyes off my face. If looks could kill, and

so forth. At the door he paused and spat on the doorsill, then got out of

sight very quickly.

I put the gun away and went about my work, waiting on two customers who came

in just as Mr Nasty Business left. But I will admit that I was worried. A

man's reputation is his most valuable asset. I've built up a name, while

still a young man, for dependable products. It was certain that this bird

and his pals would do all they could to destroy that name - which might be

plenty if they were hooked in with black magicians!

Of course the building-materials game does not involve as much magic as

other lines dealing in less durable goods. People like to know, when they

are building a home, that the bed won't fall into the basement some night,

or the roof disappear and leave them out in the rain.

Besides, building involves quite a lot of iron, and there are very few

commercial sorcerers who can cope with cold iron. The few that can are so

expensive it isn't economical to use them in building. Of course if one of

the café-society crowd, or somebody like that, wants to boast that they have

a summerhouse or a swimming pool built entirely by magic, I'll accept the

contract, charging accordingly, and sublet it to one of the expensive,

first-line magicians. But by and large my business uses magic only in the

side issues - perishable items and doodads which people like to buy cheap

and change from time to time.

So I was not worried about magic in my business, but about what magic could

do to my business - if someone set out deliberately to do me mischief. I had

the subject of magic on my mind, anyhow, because of an earlier call from a

chap named Ditworth - not a matter of vicious threats, just a business

proposition that I was undecided about. But it worried me, just the same,

I closed up a few minutes early and went over to see Jedson - a friend of

mine in the cloak-and-suit business. He is considerably older than I am, and

quite a student, without holding a degree, in all forms of witchcraft, white

and black magic, necrology, demonology, spells, charms, and the more

practical forms of divination. Besides that, Jedson is a shrewd, capable man

in every way, with a long head on him. I set a lot of store by his advice.

I expected to find him in his office, and more or less free, at that hour,

but he wasn't. His office boy directed me up to a room he used for sales

conferences. I knocked and then pushed the door.

Hello, Archie,' he called out as soon as he saw who it was. Come on in. I've

got something.' And he turned away.

I came in and looked around. Besides Joe Jedson there was a handsome, husky

woman about thirty years old in a nurse's uniform, and a fellow named August

Welker, Jedson's foreman. He was a handy all-around man with a magician's

licence, third class. Then I noticed a fat little guy, Zadkiel Feldstein,

who was agent for a good many of the second-rate magicians along the street,

and some few of the first-raters. Naturally, his religion prevented him from

practising magic himself, but, as I understand it, there was no theological

objection to his turning an honest commission. I had had dealings with him;

he was all right.

This ten-percenter was clutching a cigar that had gone out, and watching

intently Jedson and another party, who was slumped in a chair.

This other party was a girl, not over twenty-five, maybe not that old. She

was blonde, and thin to the point that you felt that light would shine

through her. She had big, sensitive hands with long fingers, and a big,

tragic mouth. Her hair was silver-white, but she was not an albino. She lay

back in the chair, awake but apparently done in. The nurse was chafing her

wrists.

What's up?' I asked. The kid faint?'

Oh no,' Jedson assured me, turning around. She's a white witch - works in a

trance. She's a little tired now, that's all.'

What's her speciality?' I inquired.

Whole garments.'

Huh?' I had a right to be surprised. It's one thing to create yard goods;

another thing entirely to turn out a dress, or a suit, all finished and

ready to wear. Jedson produccd and merchandised a full line of garments in

which magic was used throughout. They were mostly sportswear, novelty goods,

ladies' fashions, and the like, in which style, rather than wearing

qualities, was the determining factor. Usually they were marked One Season

Only', but they were perfectly satisfactory for that one season, being

backed up by the consumers' groups.

But they were not turned out in one process. The yard goods involved were

made first, usually by Welker. Dyes and designs were added separately.

Jedson had some very good connexions among the Little People, and could

obtain shades and patterns from the Half World that were exclusive with him.

He used both the old methods and magic in assembling garments, and employed

some of the most talented artists in the business. Several of his dress

designers free-lanced their magic in Hollywood under an arrangement with

him. All he asked for was screen credit.

But to get back to the blonde girl- That's what I said,' Jedson answered,

whole garments, with good wearing qualities too. There's no doubt that she

is the real McCoy; she was under contract to a textile factory in Jersey

City. But I'd give a thousand dollars to see her do that whole-garment stunt

of hers just once. We haven't had any luck, though I've tried everything but

red-hot pincers.'

The kid looked alarmed at this, and the nurse looked indignant. Feldstein

started to expostulate, but Jedson cut him short. That was just a figure of

speech; you know I don't hold with black magic. Look, darling,' he went on,

turning back to the girl, do you feel like trying again?' She nodded, and he

added, All right - sleepy time now!'

And she tried again, going into her act with a minimum of groaning and

spitting. The ectoplasm came out freely and, sure enough, it formed into a

complete dress instead of yard goods. It was a neat- little dinner frock,

about a size sixteen, sky blue in a watered silk. It had class in a refined

way, and I knew that any jobber who saw it would be good for a sizeable

order.

Jedson grabbed it, cut off a swatch of cloth and applied his usual tests,

finishing by taking the swatch out of the microscope and touching a match to

it.

He swore. Damn it,' he said, there's no doubt about it. It's not a new

integration at all; she's just reanimated an old rag!'

Come again,' I said. What of it?'

huh? Archie, you really ought to study up a bit. What she just did isn't

really creative magic at all. This dress' - he picked it up and shook it -

had a real existence someplace at some time. She's gotten hold of a piece of

it, a scrap or maybe just a button, and applied the laws of homeopathy and

contiguity to produce a simulacrum of it.'

I understood him, for I had used it in my own business. I had once had a

section of bleachers, suitable for parades and athletic events, built on my

own grounds by old methods, using skilled master mechanics and the best

materials - no iron, of course. Then I cut it to pieces. Under the law of

contiguity, each piece remained part of the structure it had once been in.

Under the law of homeopathy, each piece was potentially the entire

structure. I would contract to handle a Fourth of July crowd, or the

spectators for a circus parade, and send out a couple of magicians armed

with as many fragments of the original stands as we needed sections of

bleachers. They .vould bind a spell to last twenty-four hours around each

piece. That way the stands cleared themselves away automatically.

I had had only one mishap with it; an apprentice magician, who had the chore

of being on hand as each section vanished and salvaging the animated

fragment for further use, happened one day to pick up the wrong piece of

wood from where one section had stood. The next time we used it, for the

Shrine convention, we found we had thrown up a brand-new four- room bungalow

at the corner of Fourteenth and Vine instead of a section of bleachers. It

could have been embarrassing, but I stuck a sign on it

MODEL HOME NOW ON DISPLAY

and ran up another section on the end.

An out-of-town concern tried to chisel me out of the business one season,

but one of their units fell, either through faulty workmanship on the

pattern or because of unskilled magic, and injured several people. Since

then I've had the field pretty much to myself.

I could not understand Joe Jedson's objection to reanimation. What

difference does it make?' I persisted. It's a dress, isn't it?'

Sure, it's a dress, hut it's not a new one. That style is registered

somewhere and doesn't belong to me. And even if it were one of my numbers

she had used, reanimation isn't what I'm after. I can make better

merchandise cheaper without it; otherwise I'd be using it now.'

The blonde girl came to, saw the dress, and said, Oh, Mr Jedson, did I do

it?'

He explained what had happened. Her face fell, and the dress melted away at

once. Don't you feel bad about it, kid,' he added, patting her on the

shoulder, you were tired. We'll try again tomorrow. I know you can do it

when you're not nervous and overwrought.'

She thanked him and left with the nurse. Feldstein was full of explanations,

but Jedson told him to forget it, and to have them all back there at the

same time tomorrow. When we were alone I told him what had happened to me.

He listened in silence, his face serious, except when I told him how I had

kidded my visitor into thinking I had second sight. That seemed to amuse

him.

You may wish that you really had it - second sight, I mean,' he said at

last, becoming solemn again. This is an unpleasant prospect. Have you

notified the Better Business Bureau?'

I told him I hadn't.

Very well then. I'll give them a ring and the Chamber of Commerce too. They

probably can't help much, but they are entitled to notification, so they can

be on the lookout for it.'

I asked him if he thought I ought to notify the police. He shook his head.

Not just yet. Nothing illegal has been done, and, anyhow, all the chief

could think of to cope with the situation would be to haul in all the

licensed magicians in town and sweat them. That wouldn't do any good, and

would just cause hard feeling to be directed against you by the legitimate

members of the profession. There isn't a chance in ten that the sorcerers

connected with this outfit are licensed to perform magic; they are almost

sure to be clandestine. If the police know about them, it's because they are

protected. If they don't know about them, then they probably can't help

you.'

What do you think I ought to do?'

Nothing just yet. Go home and sleep on it. This Charlie may be playing a

lone hand, making small-time shakedowns purely on bluff. I don't really

think so; his type sounds like a mobster. But we need more data; we can't do

anything until they expose their hand a little more.'

We did not have long to wait. When I got down to my place of business the

next morning I found a surprise waiting for me - several of them, all

unpleasant.

It was as if it had been ransacked by burglars, set fire to, then gutted by

a flood. I called up Jedson at once. He came right over. He didn't have

anything to say at first, but went poking through the ruins, examining a

number of things. He stopped at the point where the hardware storeroom had

stood, reached down and gathered up a handful of the wet ashes and muck.

Notice anything?' he asked, working his fingers so that the debris sloughed

off and left in his hand some small metal objects - nails, screws, and the

like.

Nothing in particular. This is where the hardware bins were located; that's

some of the stuff that didn't burn.'

Yes, I know,' he said impatiently, but don't you see anything else? Didn't

you stock a lot of brass fittings?'

Yes.'

Well, find one!'

I poked around with my toe in a spot where there should have been a lot of

brass hinges and drawer pulls mixed in with the ashes. I did not find

anything but the nails that had held the bins together. I oriented myself by

such landmarks as I could find, and tried again. There were plenty of nuts

and bolts, casement hooks, and similar junk, but no brass.

Jedson watched me with a sardonic grin on his face.

Well?' I said, somewhat annoyed at his manner.

Don't you see?' he answered. It's magic, all right. In this entire yard

there is not one scrap of metal left, except cold iron!'

It was plain enough. I should have seen it myself.

He messed around awhile longer. Presently we came across an odd thing. It

was a slimy, wet track that meandered through my property, and disappeared

down one of the drains. It looked as if a giant slug, about the size of a

Crosley car, had wandered through the place.

Undine,' Jedson announced, and wrinklcd his nose at the smell. I once saw a

movie, a Megapix super production called the Water King's Daughter.

According to it undines were luscious enough to have interested Earl

Carroll, but if they left trails like that I wanted none of them.

He took out his handkerchief and spread it for a clean place to sit down on

what had been sacks of cement - a fancy, quick- setting variety, with a

trade name of Hydrolith. I had been getting eighty cents a sack for the

stuff; now it was just so many big boulders.

He ticked the situation off on his fingers. Archie, you've been kicked in

the teeth by at least three of the four different types of elementals -

earth, fire, and water. Maybe there was a sylph of the air in on it, too,

but I can't prove it. First the gnomes came and cleaned out everything you

had that came out of the ground, except cold iron. A salamander followed

them and set fire to the place, burning everything that was burnable, and

scorching and smoke-damaging the rest. Then the undine turned the place into

a damned swamp, ruining anything that wouldn't burn, like cement and lime.

You're insured?'

Naturally.' But then I starred to think. I carried the usual fire, theft,

and flood insurance, but business-risk insurance comes pretty high; I was

not covered against the business I would lose in the meantime, nor did I

have any way to complete current contracts. It was going to cost me quite a

lot to cover those contracts; if I let them slide it would ruin the good

will of my business, and lay me open to suits for damage.

The situation was worse than I had thought, and looked worse still the more

I thought about it. Naturally I could not accept any new business until the

mess was cleaned up, the place rebuilt, and new stock put in. Luckily most

of my papers were in a fireproof steel safe; but not all, by any means.

There would be accounts receivable that I would never collect because I had

nothing to show for them. I work on a slim margin of profit, with all of my

capital at work. It began to look as if the firm of Archibald Fraser,

Merchant and Contractor, would go into involuntary bankruptcy.

I explained the situation to Jedson.

Don't get your wind up too fast,' he reassured me. What magic can do, magic

can undo. What we need is the best wizard in town.'

Who's going to pay the fee?' I objected. Those boys don't work for nickels,

and I'm cleaned out.'

Take it easy, son,' he advised, the insurance outfit that carries your risks

is due to take a bigger loss than you are. If we can show them a way to save

money on this, we can do business. Who represents them here?'

I told him - a firm of lawyers downtown in the Professional Building.

I got hold of my office girl and told her to telephone such of our customers

as were due for deliveries that day. She was to stall where possible and

pass on the business that could not wait to a firm that I had exchanged

favours with in the past. I sent the rest of my help home - they had been

standing around since eight o'clock, making useless remarks and getting in

the way - and told them not to come back until I sent for them. Luckily it

was Saturday; we had the best part of forty- eight hours to figure out some

answer.

We flagged a magic carpet that was cruising past and headed for the

Professional Building. I settled back and determined to enjoy the ride and

forget my troubles. I like taxicabs - they give me a feeling of luxury - and

I've liked them even better since they took the wheels off them. This

happened to be one of the new Cadillacs with the teardrop shape and air

cushions. We went scooting down the boulevard, silent as thought, not six

inches off the ground.

Perhaps I should explain that we have a local city ordinance against

apportation unless it conforms to traffic regulations - ground traffic, I

mean, not air. That may surprise you, but it came about as a result of a

mishap to a man in my own line of business. He had an order for eleven-odd

tonsof glass brick to be delivered to a restaurant being remodelled on the

other side of town from his yard. He employed a magician with a common

carrier's licence to deliver for him. I don't know whether he was careless

or just plain stupid, but he dropped those eleven tons of brick through the

roof of the Prospect Boulevard Baptist Church. Anybody knows that magic

won't work over consecrated ground; if he had consulted a map he would have

seen that the straight-line route took his load over the church. Anyhow, the

janitor was killed, and it might just as well have been the whole

congregation. It caused such a commotion that apportation was limited to the

streets, near the ground.

It's people like that who make it inconvenient for everybody else.

Our man was in - Mr Wiggin, of the firm of Wiggin, Snead, McClatchey &

Wiggin. He had already heard about my fire', but when Jedson explained his

conviction that magic was at the bottom of it he baulked. It was, he said,

most irregular. Jedson was remarkably patient.

Are you an expert in magic, Mr Wiggin?' he asked.

I have not specialized in thaumaturgic jurisprudence, if that is what you

mean, sir.'

Well, I don't hold a licence myself, but it has been my hobby for a good

many years. I'm sure of what I say in this case; you can call in all the

independent experts you wish - they'll confirm my opinion. Now suppose we

stipulate, for the sake of argument, that this damage was caused by magic.

If that is true, there is a possibility that we may be able to save much of

the loss. You have authority to settle claims, do you not?'

Well, I think I may say yes to that - bearing in mind the legal restrictions

and the terms of the contract.' I don't believe he would have conceded that

he had five fingers on his right hand without an auditor to back him up.

Then it is your business to hold your company's losses down to a minimum. If

I find a wizard who can undo a part, or all, of the damage, will you

guarantee the fee, on behalf of your company, up to a reasonable amount, say

twenty-five per cent of the indemnity?'

He hemmed and hawed some more, and said he did not see how he could possibly

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MAGIC,INCbyRobertA.Heinlein'Whosespellsareyouusing,buddy?'Thatwasthefirstthingthisbirdsaidaftercomingintomyplaceofbusiness,Hehadhungaroundmaybetwentyminutes,untilIwasalone,lookingatsamplesofwaterproofpigment,fiddlingwithplumbingcatalogues,andmonkeyingwiththehardwaredisplay.Ididn'tlikehismanner.Idon'...

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Robert A Heinlein - Magic, Inc

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