Robert Asprin - Myth 12 - Something M.Y.T.H. Inc

SOMETHING

M.Y.T.H. INC.

ROBERT ASPRIN

If yon purchased this book without a cover, you should be aware that

this book is stolen property. It was reported as "unsold and destroyed"

to the publisher, and neither the author nor the publisher has received

any payment for this "stripped book."

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either

are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously, and

any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business

establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

SOMETHING M.Y.T.H. INC.

An Ace Book / published by arrangement with

Starblaze Editions of The Donning Company/Publishers

PRINTING HISTORY

Meisha Merlin Publishing, inc. edition / September 2002

Ace mass-market edition / August 2003

M.Y.TH. Inc. Instructions copyright €> 2002 by Jody Lynn Nye

and Robert Lynn Asprin.

Cover art by Walter Velez.

Cover design by Judith Murello.

Text design by Julie Rogers.

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PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

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This volume is dedicated to Eric Del Carlo

My new writing partner and friend

who got me back on track as a writer

by helping me remember that writing is fun

and exciting, not an obligation to be discharged.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

For those of you who are encountering the Myth novels for the first

time with this volume, it might be helpful if you peruse the "Who's

Who and What's What" at the end of the book. It may help to make

some sense(?) out of what's going on.

On the other hand, if you're one of those die-hard true fans who have

been (sort of) patiently awaiting this volume since Sweet Myth-Tery of

Life was first released in 1994, this is it. It's been eight years, and

you're probably thinking of going back and re-reading that volume just

to get back in stride.

Well, for me, it's been more like a seventeen-year haul, dating back

to 1985, when I started writing M.Y.T.H. Inc. Link.

To elaborate, the first six Myth novels were written separately with

contracts for one, one, two, and two books as the popularity of the

series grew. Back then, fantasy/ science fiction humor was not

considered salable. (The Myth books, along with a LOT of help from

Piers An-

thony's Xanth novels, turned that around.) Anyway, originally the

publishers were going to take a flier on ONE humor book. When it

sold, they stretched to contract one more. Then two more. Then another

two. Finally, in 1984-85, I was offered a six-book contract to continue

the series. Of course, at the time, I was confident I could write two a

year. (For more on mat, see the Author's Note at the beginning of

M.Y.T.H. Inc. in Action.)

More important, it gave me a "bigger canvas" to work with. That is,

instead of having to come up with stories that would be resolved in one

volume, or maybe have a few elements that would hang over into the

next, I had six volumes to play with. As a result, there were story and

character elements brought into book seven (M.Y.T.H. Inc. Link) as

well as those volumes following that I was using to set up situations in

later volumes.

The story for volumes eight (Myth-Nomers and Im-Pervections)

through twelve (this one) was set up in volume seven M.Y.T.H. Inc.

Link, and is actually one continuous story broken down into novel-

sized segments. [Okay, Myth-Ion Improbable (book eleven) is a side

trip, but that's explained in the foreword.] This current volume takes

place, for the most part, concurrent with the events in Sweet Myth-Tery

of Life (book ten) and it wraps up the whole Possilmm/Perv/Hemlock

caper.

It also, after twelve volumes and twenty-three years of writing Aahz

and Skeeve, is the last Myth novel under contract. I can't help seeing it

as the end of one era and the beginning of another.

All in all, it's been a long haul. Hope you enjoy it and feel it's worth

the wait.

Robert Lynn Asprin

February 2002

PROLOGUE

Like wildfire, word spread throughout the land—from town to

village, from peddler to peasant—that their once-idyllic kingdom was

now under the control of a mighty magician who held the queen in

thrall.

Though it was customary for the common folk to pay little attention

to who it was that ruled them, much less the antics and machinations of

palace politics, this time it was different.

It was clear to even a casual observer that the magician dabbled in

the Black Arts. He openly associated with and sought counsel from

demons, who even now roamed the corridors of the palace. As further

evidence of his otherworldly nature and preferences, the magician kept

a fierce dragon as a pet... a rarity that even the animal-loving ecologists

of the land found disquieting. For those who would scoff at the

existence of magik and other supernatural powers, there were

frightening rumors of another sort. It was said that the so-called

magician was connected to the criminal underground, trading political

influence for their assistance in keeping the populace under control.

Even considering all this, the people might have been willing to

ignore the power shift, were it not for one thing ... their taxes were

being raised. While it was true that, even with the new increases, their

taxes were barely half of what they had once been, the populace saw it

as a grim foreboding of things to come. Once the magician succeeded

in reversing the trend from lowering taxes to increasing them, it was

asked, where would it stop?

Clearly, something would have to be done.

People who had never thought of themselves as heroes began to

ponder and mutter, both singly and in groups, about ways to bring

down the tyrant. Though they varied greatly in both skills and

intelligence, the sheer volume of the plotters virtually insured the

eventual downfall of the villain currently growing fat off the kingdom

... the man they called Skeeve the Great.

ONE

If there is one thing that a background as a Mob rough-off artist does

not prepare you for, it is conducting a democratic-type business

meetin'.

Business meetin's in the Mob is usually conducted with as few

participants as possible, to keep the potential witness count to a

minimum, and the agenda consists of out-linin' a situation in as little

detail as possible, and endin' with the simple instruction of "Handle it."

Havin' to utilize one's people-type skills to obtain opinions and input

from the other participants is as unlikely as havin' to conduct a press

conference.

Still, this was the specific situational I found myself in, and was

determined to do the best I could with what little trainin' I had.

"I assume there is some specific reason for this summoning."

That was Chuniley talkin'. Even though he does a good job of

playing dumb muscle when he's hired out as a troll, when he isn't

workin', he talks as good as anyone and better than most.

"Ask Guido," Nunzio sez, jerkin' a thumb at me. "It's his show."

Now Nunzio, in addition to bein' my cousin, is also my usual

workin' partner of choice. Unfortunately, as sometimes happens even in

the best of partnerships, we happen to be in disagreement as to the

necessity of this meetin'. As the senior partner, I have pulled rank and

the meetin' is happenin'. As junior partner, however, Nunzio is standing

on his right to bein' a royal pain in the butt while assistin' me.

"Well," I sez, ignoring Nunzio, "since we're all here, we might as

well get started."

"Just a minute, Guido. Aren't we missing someone?"

This is Aahz pipin' up from where he has been leanin' against the

wall next to the door. Him, I've been expectin' trouble from.

I favor him with a level stare.

"If youse is referrin' to the Boss, Aahz, I am well aware that he is

not present. In fact, that is one of the reasons for this meetin'. You see,

certain information has come to the attention of Nunzio and myself,

and it is our... my desire to consult with all of youse as to whether it is

wisest to pass said information along to the Boss, or if we should

simply act on it ourselves."

This is, of course, the crux of the disagreement between Nunzio and

myself, as, in the Mob, to hold a meetin' without the participation or

even the knowledge of one's boss is to invite the interpretation that one

is planning some kind of takeover attempt. In the Mob, such activity is

justification for termination of the most permanent kind.

Now, knowin' the Boss the way we do, I do not fear that this is a

likely possibility. Particularly as we are tryin' to figure out how to

support him, not attemptin' any kind of power play. The truth of it is,

we is quite fond of the Boss and have prospered individually since

havin' been assigned to him.

Nunzio, on the other hand, maintains that the Boss is at least

technically a Mob sub-chieftain, and that callin' this meetin' is therefore

treadin' on even thinner ice than some of the capers we have taken part

in since joinin' the Boss's crew. At least then, he sez, we could claim

that we was actin' under orders from the Boss. This meetin' is definitely

my own idea, and as such I will be held personally responsible for any

fallout which might occur from it. There are times when bein' an order-

takin' goon and therefore low on the chain of accountability has its

advantages.

"Let him talk, Aahz. I, for one, want to hear what he has to say."

That is Massha talkin', earnin' her one of my widest smiles for her

support, which she returns with a wink.

Aahz starts to say somethin', then just shrugs and gestures for me to

start.

"Okay," I sez. "Now you all know that durin' our recent assignment

to stop or curtail the expansionist type efforts of Queen Hemlock,

Nunzio and me stood duty for a while as Army types. Well, it seems

that Hugh Badaxe's scouts have uncovered some news that affects the

Boss. Not wantin' to take official action or use official channels, he

looked up one of the squad that was servin' under Nunzio and me and

sent 'em here to pass the word along to us."

I turn and wave a hand at the figure lounging against the wall behind

me.

'This is Spyder. I guess you'd call her an old Army buddy of mine.

Spyder, I'd like you to tell the crew what you told Nunzio and me."

Now Spyder was probably the toughest member of our squad after

Nunzio and me. She is whipcord lean with the grace of an alley cat and

twice the attitude. Due to Army regulations, her short hair is now a

uniform light brown instead of the rainbow of colors it was when she

enlisted. This has not, however, made her look any the more military or

otherwise domesticated. She continues to give the impression of bein'

an over-aged gutter punk ready to fight and half-lookin' for it, which is

exactly what she is.

She has been studyin' the assemblage as they came in like a store

security type durin' the holidays. As I feed her the cue, like, she cranks

her cat-eyes around to look at me direct.

"I don't think so," she sez, shakin' her head.

"Spyder," I sez, tryin' to keep my voice level. "This is not the time to

get cute. I told you I wanted you to talk to these folks. Now tell them

what Hugh Badaxe told you."

"You said you wanted me to talk to some friends of yours, Swatter,"

she snarls. "And I agreed. Didn't even say 'Boo' about us meeting in a

stable. But who are these people? The big hairy guy with the different-

sized eyes, and the two with the green scales and pointed ears? You

can't tell me they're from around here. And unless I've gone completely

around the bend, that is definitely a dragon listening in from that stall. I

want to know whom I'm talking to before I open up. I know you and

Nunzio, but these people ... ?"

She shakes her head again and lapses into a sullen silence.

"What's with the 'Swatter' bit, Guido?" Massha asks.

"It's an old Army nick-name," I sez wavin' her off. My attention is

focused on my cousin. "Nunzio, I thought you explained things to the

squad back when we was hangin' together at Abdul's."

"You said to explain about Abdul being a Deveel," he sez with a

shrug. "I told them that our work with the Boss had involved traveling

to other worlds and dealing with strange creatures, and occasionally

some of those creatures popped up here in our world. I also said that

they could be tricky or nasty or both, and if any showed up, like

Frumple, to let us handle them."

"That's it?" I sez. "You didn't tell 'em anything about dimension or

dimension travelers?"

"At the time, that seemed more information than was necessary," he

sez. "They accepted it."

I am findin' this hard to believe, especially as Nunzio is usually one

who loves to go on endlessly about anything at the drop of a straight

line.

"Well," I sez. "That was then and this is now. Perhaps you could

elaborate a bit for Spyder's benefit, with particular attention to the

players currently in the room."

"No problem," he sez, and turns to Spyder. "You see, those worlds I

mentioned before are actually called dimensions. There are thousands

of them out there, and the beings that live in them do so, for the most

part, without any knowledge or awareness of the other dimensions'

existence ... except, perhaps, for occasional legends or folk tales. A

few, however, are not only aware of other dimensions, but often travel

back and forth between them either as part of their work or simply

adventuring. These dimension travelers are generally referred to as

'demons' when they're in a dimension other than their own."

He paused and cocked his head at her, quizzical-like, but Spyder just

keeps starin' at him.

"Now the group assembled here," he continues, "is known in some

worlds as M.Y.T.H. Inc. We've joined together to provide services to

individuals or groups who require assistance of an unusual nature or

capacity. Our leader, or Chairman of the board, is the Boss ... or, more

commonly Skeeve. You know him or have heard of him as Skeeve the

Great, currently serving as Royal Magician to the Court of Possiltum.

"The green, scaly gent with the impressive teeth and the dour

expression is Aahz. He was Skeeve's main instructor in magik and

things dimensional, and is currently the boss's main advisor and second

in command. He hails from the dimension Perv, which makes him a

Pervect, as is his cousin, Pookie, the lean mean feminine version over

there, who has recently joined our ranks to assist Guido and I with our

bodyguarding duties."

Those two individuals incline their heads politely to Spyder, who

nods back.

"The large, hairy gentleman is Chumley. He and his sister Tananda,

who is currently covering our home office, are from Trollia. As you

might guess, he would be what you might have heard referred to as a

Troll."

Chumley gives Spyder a deep bow. I notice with some approval how

quickly Nunzio skips past the reference to Tananda. She and Spyder

met briefly on our last assignment, but Tananda was disguised at the

time so Spyder didn't spot her as a demon. The two of them didn't

really get along, as they were both interested in the same man, so

Nunzio is wise not to dwell on the subject.

"Last, but certainly not least, is Massha. As you can see, it's hard to

miss her, due both to her larger-than-life size and her propensity for

bright outfits and jewelry. She and the Boss met on a caper in the

dimension Jahk, and she was impressed enough to sign on as his

apprentice. Within our crew, however, she's a full-fledged member."

"Hiya, Sugar!" Massha sez, wigglin' her fingers at Spyder. "Don't

worry. We're not nearly as nasty as we look."

Spyder is so busy starin' at Massha she forgets to nod. This is not

surprising, as Massha is quite an eyeful. Nunzio's statement that she is

'larger than life' does not to begin to encompass her stature. Massha is

huge, in all directions except up. What's more, her bright orange hair

and green lipstick are upstaged by her loud, flashy clothes and enough

jewelry to stock a small craft show.

"The other member of our troupe is Bunny, who isn't with us at the

moment because she's meeting with Skeeve to go over the kingdom's

finances. Like Guido and me, she's from this dimension, which is

known elsewhere as Klah, incidentally, so there's nothing unusual

about her appearance other than she's cute as a button." He notices

Spyder makin' a face at this, so he adds, "It might also be worth noting

that she is the niece of Don Bruce, the Fairy Godfather of the Mob

locally. Speaking of which, you should also probably know that as far

as Don Bruce is concerned, our whole operation is a part of the Mob.

An independent, stand-alone part, but a part nonetheless."

"Gleep!"

"Oh yes," Nunzio sez, pointin' to the contributin' party. "The

aforementioned dragon is Gleep. He is the Boss's pet and has assisted

us on several capers, much to the dismay and demolition of our

opponents. Does that satisfy your curiosity, Spyder?"

He has not bothered to include either himself or me in the

introductions, since, as was earlier noted, we have worked with Spyder

before during our brief hitch in the Army. Of course, our own

appearance is no less memorable than the rest of the team. We both

have the size and build of professional athletes of the contact sport

variety, only more intimidatin'. This was pretty much a prerequisite in

our earlier work as Mob collection specialists.

"I guess. At least, explains a few things," Spyder says comin' off the

wall at last.

"Then, returnin' to the point of this meetin'," I sez, "could you now

tell everyone what Hugh Badaxe asked you to pass along?"

"If you say so," she sez with a shrug. "Basically, General Badaxe

has been getting reports that pockets of malcontents are forming in the

kingdom. Right now they're small and mostly talking, but he's

concerned that they might eventually try taking action. Specifically,

armed, organized action."

"Pardon me, my dear," sez Chumley, "but I'm afraid

I'm missing something here. Why is Hugh having you tell us about

this? If there's a possible rebellion shaping up, why doesn't he simply

handle it with the Army?"

"I'm getting to that." Spyder waves. "You see, it's not the kingdom

they're talking about overthrowing. It's the magician. The Great

Skeeve. The Boss, as you call him."

"How's that again?"

Aahz is no longer leanin' against the wall, but standin' tall and

looking very attentive.

"Well, it seems the word going around the kingdom is that an evil

magician, that's Skeeve, has the Queen in thrall and is actually running

the kingdom from behind the scenes," Spyder explains. "While most

folks don't seem to care much one way or the other, there are those who

are talking about trying to ... how do they put it... free the kingdom

from his merciless grasp."

"But that's patently absurd!" Chumley sez with a frown. "We all

know Skeeve. He's got a good head on his shoulders and shows marked

potential as a magician, but mostly he's an organizer. There isn't an evil

bone in his body."

"I'll tell you something else, Missy," Massha puts in. "Skeeve is

helping to bail out the kingdom at Queen Hemlock's personal request.

She's the one who's trying to blackmail him into marrying her. How

does that fit with your 'magician holding the Queen in thrall' scenario?"

For a second I am afraid that Spyder is going to go after Massha for

the 'Missy' comment, but she doesn't. This is a good thing, as Massha

not only outweighs her on a factor of five or six to one, but also packs a

mean magikal wallop in some of the jewelry she wears.

"That's how you all see him," Spyder sez, "and I'm inclined to

believe you, mostly because I trust the Swatter and Nunzio. You've got

to look at it through outsider's eyes to understand what's going on.

"Skeeve definitely has the Queen's ear, that much you admit. Then

Robert Asprin - Myth 12 - Something M.Y.T.H. Inc

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