
Phil's death. Sasha often joked through gritted teeth that he loved Flea as
much as her.
The first thing that came to my mind was our thumb discussion. Was he
thinking about that an hour later as he loaded the gun and put it in his
mouth? Why had he chosen _that_ as the topic of our last conversation?
A few years before, we'd been through an earthquake together. As the
ground rumbled, Phil kept saying over and over, "This isn't a movie! This is
_not_ a movie!"
We'd been creating or adapting scripts so long that all part of me could
think of was setting and the last words this character, Philip Strayhorn,
would have chosen. I was ashamed my mind worked like that, but if Phil had
known he would have laughed. In the process of spending almost twenty years
trying to get our names onto the silver screen, we'd lost parts of our
objectivity toward life. When someone you love dies, you should weep -- not
think of camera angles or last lines.
After the phone call, I went out for a walk. There was a travel agent
down the street; I'd book a flight to California the next day. But a few steps
out the door, I realized what I really wanted to do was visit Cullen James.
Cullen and her husband, Danny, lived up on Riverside Drive, a good
hour's walk from my apartment. Pulling up my collar, I started out with the
hope exercise and the tiredness it'd bring would take some of the edge off the
news of Philip Strayhorn's death.
In the last few years, Cullen had become famous in a peculiar sort of
way. When we first met, she was going through what could best be described as
an "otherworldly experience." Every night for a number of months she dreamt of
a land called Rondua where she traveled on a bizarre quest after something
called the "bones of the moon." I fell in love with her then, which was very
bad because she was happily married to a nice man and nursing their first
child. I am not a wife stealer, but Cullen James made me crazy and I went
after her as if she were the gold ring on my personal carousel. If I'd been a
sailor, I'd have had her name tattooed on my arm.
In the end I didn't win her, but during that confused and passionate
time I began dreaming of Rondua too. Those dreams changed my life. Those
dreams and the earthquake.
When I got to the Jameses' building I was cold inside and out. The death
of a loved one robs you of some kind of vital inner heat. Or perhaps it blows
out the pilot light that keeps your burners lit. Whatever, it took an hour of
hard walking in the blue lead cold of a New York December for me to really
hold in the palm of my mind the fact my best and oldest friend was dead. He
had almost no cruelty in him. After twenty years I knew Philip Strayhorn was
even better than I'd ever thought. He once said there are thirty-one million
seconds in a year. So few of them are worth remembering. Those that are,
thrill and hurt us without end.
"Hello?"
"Cullen? It's Weber. I'm downstairs. Do you mind a visitor?"
"Oh, Christ, Weber, we just heard about Phil. Of course, come up."
There was a giant holiday wreath on their door. The Jameses loved
Christmas. For them, it started in November and went on well into January.
They used their daughter, Mae, as an excuse for the festivity, but it was
clear they liked it more than the kid. There were always oranges stuck with
cinnamon cloves in every corner of every room, Christmas cards on the
windowsills, a tree out of a 1940s movie like _The Bishop's Wife_ or _It's a
Wonderful Life_. It was a good place. Slippers belonged there, and a friendly
dog that followed you from room to room.
Cullen opened the door and smiled. There are perfect faces. I've known
and slept with some, but they were meant to remain placid and untouched, not
shaken or distorted by the push and pull of great emotion or a long and full
night in bed. They're tuxedos -- you wear them only on special occasions and
then hang them up carefully in the closet afterward; a stain or wrinkle on
them ruins everything. Cullen's is not a perfect face. She smiles too much,