
the longstanding papal position on family planning. Rumours that theVatican plans to market an
officially-blessed condom under the brand name of His Holiness's Swiss Guards are unconfirmed at this
date...
"London,England. Prime Minister Archer announced on the Home Service of BeeBeeCee-Teevee that
the temporary rationing of butter, sugar, gasoline and ammunition would continue at least until the end of
next year. During a spontaneous demonstration of loyal support outside thePalaceofWestminster , the
Metropolitan Police estimate that 300 people were overcome by the heat and had to be hospitalized...
"Moscow,USSR. Premier Yeltsin married for the third time today. His bride, former '80s musickie
Tasha, sang for her fans at the reception, and dedicated a version of her million-selling hit 'Love, Sex,
Love' to her new husband...
"Talking of Love and Sex, have you ever worried that your experience of physical pleasure is somehow
less than your partner's? Thanks to GenTech, your worries could be over. For a surprisingly small fee,
our trained cerebrosurgeons can tune up your nerve endings and intensify your orgasms tenfold, We have
thousands of satisfied customers. GenTech, the biodivision that cares...
"Naples,Italy. Bruno di Geronimo, convicted crimelord of all Southern Italy and alleged capo of the
Twelve Mafia Families, today set sail for the penal colony ofSicily where he has been sentenced to spend
the rest of his life. Judging by the high mortality rate on the island, which is populated entirely by
convicted felons from the European Community, his life expectancy is not thought to exceed three
months...
"Berlin, GreaterGermany . Rudolf Hess, recovered from his recent cybersurgery, has won his court case
against The Swinging Swastika nightclub and now retains copyright on the symbols, uniforms, flags,
weaponry, architecture and philosophy of the Third Reich. If all the organizations currently using Nazi
regalia pay up, Hess will be a very rich man. Ulrich Sturm of the Knoxville Kultur Kommandos gangcult
ofTennessee has issued a press statement that reads 'if that old kraut freaks with us, we'll yank his
freakin' lungs out and make him freakin' choke on 'em!'...
"Puerto Belgrano,Antarctica . The Malvinas War flared up again in miniature last week when a party of
drunken British molybdenum miners got into a gunfight with the Argentine authorities. The casualties will
not be named until next of kin have been alerted, but it is believed that famed esperado Ice Kold Katie is
among the dead. Sheriff Felipe Almodovar, the self-styled 'Law South of Tierra del Fuego,' has decreed
that sidearms can no longer be worn within the city limits except by duly deputized peace officers. 'Wild'
Charlie Mander, spokesman for the British mining community, has complained that Almodovar followed
up this ruling by deputizing 'every Argie within a thousand miles and declaring open season on the Brits'...
"A housewife inUtica,New York , has replaced her pet duck's flippers with a built-in robo-skateboard.
'Dribbles can get around much better now, and he's too fast for the children on the block to shoot at,' she
claims. Scientists are amazed. That is what we at ZeeBeeCee call 'quack thinking,' he he he...
"This has been Lola Stechkin at ZeeBeeCee, signing off. If it's all right with you, it's all right with us..."
Stay tuned to ZeeBeeCee, The Station That's Got It All, if you want to enter our current Gentech
Competition. You could be the lucky winner of your very own Lola Stechkin sexclone, or a hundred
thousand dollars worth of bio-implant surgery. All you have to do is answer three simple questions,
complete the following sentence, "I hate my body because...,"and send your answers on a fax with
coupons from any three GenTech products. The questions are: a) Who, at the time of this recording, is
CEO of GentechKorea ? b) Which famous movie star has three penises? And c) What is an axolotl?
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