
have been denied by the reclusive multi-billionaire entertainer's manager, Peter Hall. John Lennon, the
leader of Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition, who was briefly a member of an unsuccessful group called
The Quarrymen back in the 1960s, was apparently asked if he wanted to reform to appear on the bill.
'Nobody was interested back then,' he told our reporter, 'I don't see why they should be now, like.'
"Manila, thePhilippines . President-for-life Imelda Marcos yesterday dedicated a new statue of her late
husband, the former president-for-life, and announced, after singing twenty-eight patriotic songs to the
assembled multitudes, that she would set in motion a new scheme to clear up the streets of the city by
personally firing the first bullet. Rebel forces remain encamped in the North of the islands, apparently
supported by a Chinese Guomintang warlord and a Swiss-based multinat. Imelda will be guest-hosting
the popular ZeeBeeCee show, You and Your Shoes, for the next three weeks.
"Puerto Belgrano,Antarctica . Following President Galtieri's 75% increase of the levy on non-Argentine
mining interests around the South Pole, violence flared up again as British wildcat oilmen tried to even the
score after their resounding defeat in the Malvinas War of 1981. 'Wild' Charlie Mander, the British
consul, and Sheriff Felipe Almodovar, the self-styled 'Law South of Tierra del Fuego,' met for talks in an
attempt to reach a settlement, but tempers rose and shots were exchanged. Ice Kold Katie, the Scottish
esperado who has robbed several Argentine-owned banks and trading stores on the continent,
celebrated the increase by ambushing and killing a troop of Argentine snowcat cavalrymen on their way
to Esperanza.
"Ladies, don't you wish you had breasts as nice as mine? Well, thanks to GenTech biodiv, your wish can
be granted. Personally developed by Dr Zarathustra, winner of the Nobel Prize for Genetic Surgery, our
pectoral pump treatments can yield astonishing results. Even Warren Beatty won't be able to tell the
difference. This is Shiralee St Croix ofSaginaw,Michigan . We treated one of her breasts with the
GenTech pectoral pump, and the other with a product manufactured by one of our competitors. I think
you can see the difference for yourself. GenTech, the biodivision that cares...
"Teheran, the Pan-Islamic Congress. Today, the Ayatollah Bakhtiar, chairperson of the Sword of Allah
Jihad Committee, sentenced to death in absentia graphic novelist Neil Gaiman, author of the
award-winning Tintin in the Land of the Ragheads, which has been widely interpreted as a personal
attack on the Moslem faith and the continuing Islamic occupation of Greece, Albania, Macedonia,
Kosovo and Montenegro. Gaiman has gone into hiding, but claims to be still working on his next work, a
reconstruction of the myth of Desperate Dan, portraying the comic cowboy as an Indian-hating mass
murderer. Viewers are invited to fax in with their guesses about where Gaiman is holed up. The closest to
the truth will win a thousand dollars credit at their local Titancorp comics store, a Captain Haddock
T-shirt and an all-expenses-paid holiday for two in balmyBeirut .
"Vatican City. Petya Tcherkassoff, the Russian singing idol, today had a personal audience with Pope
Georgi. Tens of thousands of fans throngedSt Peter's Square to glimpse the pair. What was discussed
between the two has not been revealed, although Tcherkassoff did modestly state to the press that 'the
cheloviek in the white hat has a bigger following than I do.' Tcherkassoff's current album release,' Songs
for Suicidal Lovers, has been at the top of the musichip charts for six straight months.
"The Isle of Skye,Scotland . Sad news for children everywhere. Despite the donation of more than thirty
million European Currency Units raised by GenTech-sponsored concerts in America and the Soviet
Union, Wally the Whalemdashbelieved to be the last cetacean in the Atlantic Oceanmdashdied today of
natural causes totally unconnected with the acceptable levels of pollution in the area. Iain Menzies Banks,
mayor of the island, has mooted a plan for the preservation of the whale as the centrepiece of
Wallyworld, a luxury tourist preserve and family theme park. The whale will be coated inside and out
with acrylics, and Banks intends to open a restaurant called The Jonah Snackbar in its stomach. Wally
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