
"Ballsy," her dad would have said. "Martyr," her mom would have sighed, shaking her head.
Well, they were both dead now. Following the Dorito Mishap, her mother had mourned for eight
months, then made two decisions: to visit her sister in Saint Paul, and to fix her makeup at sixty-two miles
an hour. The coroner hadn't been able to decide if she'd died from the impact of crashing into the back of
the semi, or from the eyeliner (Revlon's Indigo Night) being driven into her right eye.
She didn't miss her father much, if truth be told. He'd been too big, too gruff, too disappointed she
wasn't a boy, and toward the end, too drunk. Mostly she felt bad because he was dead, but she didn't
feel too bad.
Her mother, though… that was a different story. Lois had felt adrift ever since her mother's death. When
the one who bore you was gone, why bother with anything?
She shook off thoughts of her poor, doomed parents and returned her attention to the medication. There
was a small bottle of OxyContin, the drug of choice for addicts—she'd busted a few OxyContin clinics in
her day—a larger bottle of methadone, always popular with the chronic pain set, and a number of
Duragesic patches.
She picked up one of the patches. How could she kill herself with these? Eat them? Stick a bunch
around her heart?
And was she really, truly considering this? It sucked. It was the coward's way out. It defined her,
forever, as a loser. The cops who found her after the neighbors called to report the smell would roll their
eyes at each other. The coroner would roughly bundle her into a body bag. Her neighbors would shake
their heads ("So quiet!" "Never a minute's trouble."), and her captain would be irritated. Her fellow
detectives would be shocked that ballsy Lois Commoner had done such a thing, and would pity her, and
would forget her.
She could feel a tear trickling down her left cheek, but made no move to wipe it away. Sure, it was a
rotten thing to do, but what was the alternative? She'd been shot almost a year ago, and still woke to pain
every morning. They'd never let her back on the streets. She'd been busted to desk officer, which meant
she was one of the few secretaries in the city licensed to carry a firearm. Worst of all, she'd lost her
shield.
The desk job was mindless, torturous, but she refused to take a medical retirement.Then what would
she do? Sit around and try not to think about how badly her knee hurt? Real fulfilling.
And also you're so lone—
She shut that thought away, fast. That had nothing to do with anything.
There's got to be something else. Heaven. Hell. Reincarnation. Something. This isn't it, this can't
be all there is. I didn't work so hard for so long to have this be the end of everything. There's
something else out there, I know it.
And if she was wrong, if there was nothing, she'd take that over an unfulfilling life of pain and ennui.
She unbuttoned her shirt, then grabbed the remote and flicked it on to the Sci-Fi channel. Ah, there was
Kirk talking to a doomed red-shirted security guard. Hour three of the marathon. She wondered what
people who weren't suicidal were watching.
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