Robert Asprin - Myth 04 - Hit Or Myth

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Chapter One:

"There's something to be said for relatives

. . . it has to be said because it's unprint-

able!"

—A. EINSTEIN

This Ace Fantasy Book contains the complete

text of the original trade edition.

It has been completely reset in a typeface

designed for easy reading, and was printed

from new Him.

An Ace Fantasy Book / published by arrangement with

Starblaze Editions of the Donning Company/Publishers

PRINTING HISTORY

Donning edition published 1983

Ace Fantasy edition / September 1985

Second printing / September 1985

Fourth printing / December 1985

Fifth printing / October 1986

Cover art by Walter Velez.

This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part,

by mimeograph or any other means, without permission.

For information address: The Donning Company/Publishers,

5659 Virginia Beach Blvd., Norfolk, VA 23502.

ISBN: 0-441-33851-8

Ace Fantasy Books are published by The Berkley Publishing Group,

200 Madison Avenue, New York, New York 10016.

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

PERHAPS if I hadn't been so preoccupied with my own

thoughts when I walked into my quarters that day, I

wouldn't have been caught unawares. Still, who expects

to get caught in a magikal attack just walking into their

own room?

Okay, okay! So I am the Court Magician of Possil-

tum, and maybe I have been getting a bit of a reputation

lately. I still should be able to walk into my own room

without getting jumped! I mean, if a magician isn't safe

in his own quarters, can he be safe anywhere?

Scratch that question!

It's the kind of thing my teacher says to convince me

that choosing magic for a career path is not the best way

to insure living out one's normal life span. Of course, it

doesn't take much convincing. Actions speak louder

than words, and the action since I signed on as his ap-

prentice has been loud enough to convince me that a

magician's life is not particularly quiet. I mean, when

you realize that within days of meeting him, we both got

lynched by an angry mob ... as in hung by the neck ...

But I digress.

We started out with me simply walking into my room.

Yeah, simple! There was a demon waiting for me, a

Pervect to be exact. This in itself wasn't unusual. Aahz,

the teacher I mentioned earlier, is a Pervect. In fact, he

shares my quarters with me. What was unusual was that

the demon waiting for me wasn't Aahz!

Now I haven't met many Pervects . . . heck, the only

one t know is Aahz . . . but I know Aahz very well, and

this Pervect wasn't him!

This demon was shorter than my mentor, his scales

were-a lighter shade of green, and his gold eyes were set

closer together. What's more, he wasn't smiling ... and

Aahz always smiles, even when he's mad . . . especially

when he's mad. To the average eye Aahz and this

stranger might look alike, but to me they were as dif-

ferent as a Deveel and an Imp. Of course, there was a

time when I couldn't tell the difference between a

Deveel and an Imp. It says something about the com-

pany I've been keeping lately.

"Who are you?" I demanded.

"You Skeeve?"

"Yeah. Me Skeeve. Who you?"

For an answer, I suddenly felt myself snatched into

the air by an invisible hand and spun end over end until

I finally stopped dangling head down four feet off the

floor.

"Don't get smart with me, punk. I understand you're

holding a relative of mine in some kind of bondage. I

want him back. Understand?"

He emphasized his point by lowering me to within a

few inches of the floor, then using that surface to rap

my head sharply.

I may not be the greatest magician ever, but I knew

what he was doing. He was using his mind to levitate me

about the room. I've done it myself to small objects

from time to time. Of course, it occurred to me that I

wasn't a small object and that I was dealing with some-

one a bit better versed in the magikal arts than myself.

As such, I deemed it wiser to keep my temper and my

manners.

"You know Aahz?"

"Sure do. And I want him back."

The latter was accompanied by another head rap. So

much for holding my temper.

"Then you should know him well enough to know

that nobody holds him against his will!"

My head started for the floor again, but stopped short

of its target. From my inverted position I could get a

partial view of the demon tapping himself thoughtfully

on the chin.

"That's true," he murmured. "All right...."

I was turned into an upright position once more.

". . . Let's take it from the top. Where's Aahz, and

what's keeping him in this backwater dimension?"

"I think and talk better with my feet on the ground."

"Hmm? Oh! Sorry."

I was lowered into a normal standing position. Now

that I was self-supporting again, I realized the interroga-

tion had left me with a splitting headache.

"He's back in General Badaxe's quarters arguing

military tactics," I managed. "It was so boring I came

back here. He should be along soon. They were almost

out of wine when I left."

"Tactics and wine, eh?" my visitor grimaced. "That

sounds like Aahz. What's the rest of it? Why is he stay-

ing around a nowhere dimension like Klah and how did

he get mixed up with the Great Skeeve?"

"You've heard of me?"

"Here and there around the dimensions," the demon

acknowledged. "In some circles they think you're pretty

hot stuff. That's why I started wondering if you'd

managed to cage Aahz somehow. I was braced for a real

battle royale when you walked in."

"Well, actually I'm not all that good," I admitted.

"I've only really started making headway in the last

couple years since I started studying under Aahz. I'd

still be a total nothing if he hadn't lost his powers and

taken me on as an apprentice."

"Bingo!" my visitor declared, holding up his hand.

"I think you just explained everything. Aahz lost his

powers and took on a new apprentice! No wonder he

hasn't been home in a while. And all this talk about the

Great Skeeve is just a standard Aahz-managed hype job

for a new talent. Right?"

"We have taken on a few rough assignments," I said

defensively.

"In which Aahz choreographed, then set you up to

take the credit. Right?"

"What's 'choreographed'?" I asked. Obviously the

family similarity was more than scale deep.

"Well, I hope you're up to operating on your own,

Skeeve, 'cause I'm taking your mentor back to Perv

with me."

"But you don't have to rescue him from me!" I pro-

tested. "He's free to come and go as he wants;"

"Ym not saving him from you, I'm saving him from

Aahz. Our colleague has an overblown sense of respon-

sibility that isn't always in his own best interest. Do you

know how lucrative a practice he's letting fall apart on

Perv while he clowns around with you?"

"No, "I admitted.

"Well, he's losing money every day he's gone... and

that means the family is losing money."

Right there I gave up the argument. Early on in my

association with Aahz I learned the futility of trying to

talk a Pervect out of money. The fact that Aahz was

willing to sacrifice a steady income to work with me was

an incredible tribute to our friendship ... or his sense of

duty. Of course, there's more than one way to win an

argument.

"Well, as I said before, I can't keep him here," I said

innocently. "If you can convince him he's not needed

anymore...."

"No way, punk," the demon sneered. "We both

know that won't get him to desert an apprentice. I'm

going to lure him back to Perv with a blatant lie. And

.you're going to keep your mouth shut."

"But..."

". . . Because if you don't, I'll make sure there's

nothing left to keep him in Klah . .. meaning you! Now

before you even think about trying to match magik with

me, remember something. You've been studying under

Aahz for a couple years now. / graduated after over

three hundred years of apprenticeship. So far, I'm will-

ing to live and let live. You should be able to earn a liv-

ing on what you've learned so far, maybe even pick up a

few new tricks as you go along. However, if you cross

me now, there won't be enough of you to pick up with a

sponge. Do we understand each other?"

I was suddenly aware why nobody we met in su?

dimension-crawling ever wanted to tangle with a Per-

vect. I was also aware that someone had just walked

into the room behind me.

"Rupert!"

"Uncle Aahz!"

The two pounded each other on the back. I gave them

lots of room.

"Hey kid, this is my nephew Rupert . . . but I see

you've already met."

"Unfortunately," I grumbled.

That earned me a black look from Rupert, but Aahz

missed it completely.

"So what brings you to Klah, nephew? A bit off your

normal prowl pattern, isn't it?"

"It's Dad. He wants you."

"Sorry," Aahz was suddenly his normal self again.

"I've got too many irons in the fire here to get drawn

into some family squabble."

"But he's dying."

That stopped Aahz for a moment.

"My brother? Nonsense. He's too tough to kill. He

could even beat me in an unfair fight."

"He got into a fight with Mom."

A look of concern crossed Aahz's face. I could see he

was wavering.

"That serious, huh? I don't know, though. If he's

really dying, I don't see what I can do to help."

"It shouldn't take long," Rupert urged. "He said

something about his will."

I groaned inwardly. Trust a Pervect to know a

Pervect's weaknesses.

"Well, I guess my business here can keep for a few

days," Aahz declared with false reluctance. "Stay out

of trouble, kid. I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Let's get going," Rupert suggested, hiding his

triumphant grin. "The sooner we get to Perv, the

sooner you can be back."

"But Aahz...."

"Yeah, kid?"

I saw Rupert's brow darken.

"I... I just wanted to say 'goodbye.' "

"Hey, don't make a big thing of this, kid. It's not like

I was going forever."

Before I could respond, Rupert clapped an arm

around Aahz's shoulder and they both faded from view.

Gone.

Somehow I couldn't make myself believe it had hap-

pened. My mentor had been spirited away . . . per-

manently. Whatever I had learned from Aahz would

have to do, because now I was totally on my own.

Then I heard a knock at my door.

Chapter Two:

"When things are blackest, I just tell myself

'cheer up, things could be worse!' And

sure enough, they get worse!"

—SKEEVE

I DECIDED that as Court Magician of Possiltum, my

response should be gracious.

"Go away!"

That was gracious. If you knew what my actual

thoughts were. you'd realize that. Very few people ever

visited me in my chambers, and I didn't want to see any

of them just then.

"Do you know who you're talking to?" came a muf-

fled voice from the other side of the door.

"No! And I don't care! Go away!"

"This is Rodrick the Fifth. Your King!"

That stopped me. Upset or not, that title belonged to

the man who set and paid my wages. As I said earlier, I

have learned a few things from Aahz.

"Do you know who you're talking to?" I called back,

and hoped.

There was a moment's pause.

"I assume I'm talking to Skeeve the Magnificent,

Court Magician of Possiltum. At best, he'll be the one

to bear the brunt of my wrath if I'm kept waiting out-

side his chambers much longer."

So much for hoping. These things never work in real

life the way they do in jokes.

Moving with undignified haste, I pounced on the

door handle and wrenched it open.

"Good afternoon. Lord Magician. May I come in?"

"Certainly, Your Majesty," I said, standing aside. "I

never refuse a fifth."

The King frowned.

"Is that a joke? If so, I don't get the point."

"Neither do I," I admitted calmly. "It's something

Aahz my apprentice says."

"Ah, yes. Your apprentice. Is he about?"

Rodrick swept majestically into the room, peering

curiously into the comers as if he expected Aahz to

spring forth from the walls.

"No. He's... out."

"Good. I had hoped to speak with you alone. Hmmm

. . . these are really quite spacious quarters. I don't

recall having been here before."

That was an understatement. Not only had the King

never visited my room in his palace, I couldn't recall

having seen him when he wasn't either on the throne or

in its near vicinity.

"Your Majesty has never graced me with his presence

since I accepted position in his court," I said.

"Oh. Then, that's probably why I don't recall being

here," Rodrick responded lamely.

That in itself was strange. Usually the King was quite

glib and never at a loss for words. In fact, the more I

thought about it, the stranger this royal visit to my

private chambers became. Despite my distress at Aahz's

unplanned and apparently permanent departure, I felt

my curiosity beginning to grow.

"May I ask the reason for this pleasant, though unex-

pected audience?"

"Well. . ." the King began, then shot one more look

about the room. "Are you sure your apprentice isn't

about?"

"Positive. He's ... I sent him on a vacation."

"A vacation?"

"Yes. He's been studying awfully hard lately."

The King frowned slightly.

"I don't remember approving a vacation."

For a moment, I thought I was going to get caught in

my own deception. Then I remembered that in addition

to the various interdimensional languages, Aahz had

also been teaching me to speak ' 'bureaucrat.''

"I didn't really feel your authorization was neces-

sary," I said loftily. "Technically, my apprentice is not

on your Majesty's payroll. I am paying him out of my

wages, which makes him my employee, subject to my

rules including vacations ... or dismissal. While he is

subject to your laws, as is any subject of Possiltum, I

don't feel he actually is governed by Subparagraph G

concerning palace staff!''

My brief oration had the desired effect: it both con-

fused and bored my audience. Aahz would have been

proud of me. I was particularly pleased that I had man-

aged to sneak in that part about dismissals. It meant

that when Aahz didn't return, I could claim that I had

dismissed him without changing the wage paid me by

the crown.

Of course, this got me brooding again about Aahz not

coming back.

"Well, whatever. I'm glad to see your philosophy

regarding vacations mirrors my own. Lord Magician.

Everyone should have a vacation. In fact, that's why I

That opened my eyes. Figuratively and literally.

"You, your Majesty? But Kings don't take vaca-

tions."

"That's the whole point."

Rodrick began pacing the floor nervously as he

spoke.

"The pressures of being a King mount up like they do

on any other job. The difference is that as a King you

never get a break. No time to rest and collect your

thoughts, or even just sleep late. From the coronation

when the crown hits your head until it's removed by

voluntary or forcible retirement, you are the King."

"Gee, that's tough. Your Majesty. I wish there was

something I could do to help."

The King stopped pacing and beamed at me again.

"But you can! That's why I'm here!"

"Me? I can't approve a vacation for you! Even if it

were in my power, and it isn't, the kingdom needs a king

on the throne all the time. It can't spare you, even for

one day!"

"Exactly! That's why I can't leave the throne unat-

tended. If I wanted a vacation, I'd need a stand-in."

An alarm bell went off in my mind.

Now, however much Aahz may have nagged me

about being a slow student, I'm not stupid. Even before

I met Aahz . . . heck, before I learned my letters ... I

knew how to add two and two to get four. In this case,

one two was the king's need for a stand-in; the second

two was his presence in my quarters, and the four

was....

"Surely your Majesty can't mean me!"

"Of course I mean you," Rodrick confirmed. "The

fact is, Lord Magician, I had this in mind when I hired

you to your current position."

"You did?"

I could feel the jaws of the trap closing. If this was in-

deed why the King had hired me, I would be ill-advised

to refuse the assignment. Rodrick might decide my serv-

ices were no longer needed, and the last thing 1 needed

with Aahz gone was to get cut off from my source of in-

come. I wasn't sure what the job market was like for ex-

court magicians, but I was sure I didn't want to find out

first hand.

"As you said earlier, the powers of the Court Magi-

cian are at my disposal, and one of the powers you

demonstrated when we first met was the ability to

change your own shape, or the shape of others, at will."

The disguise spell! It was one of the first spells Aahz

had taught me and one of the ones most frequently used

over our last several adventures. After all the times it's

bailed me out of tight spots, who would have guessed it

would be the spell to get me into trouble? Well, there

was the time it had gotten me hung....

"But, your Majesty, I couldn't possibly substitute for

you. I don't know how to be a King!"

"Nothing to it," Rodrick smiled. "The nice thing

about being a King is that even when you're wrong, no

one dares to point it out."

"But...."

"And besides, it will only be for one day. What could

possibly go wrong in one day?"

Chapter Three:

"Once a knight, always a knight,

But once a King is once too often!"

—SIR BELLA OF EASTMARCH

Now, I don't want you to think I'm a pushover. I drove

a hard bargain with the King before giving in. I not only

managed to get him to agree to a bonus, but to cough up

a hefty percentage in advance before accepting the

assignment. Not bad for a fledgling magician who was

over a barrel.

Of course, once I accepted, I was no longer over a

barrel, I was in over my head!

The more I thought about it, the worse the idea of

standing in for the King seemed. The trouble was, I

didn't have a choice ... or did I? I thought about it

some more and a glimmer of hope appeared.

There was a way out! The only question was, how far

could I run in a day? While not particularly worldly (or

off-worldly for that matter) I was pretty sure that

double-crossing kings wasn't the healthiest of pastimes.

It was going to be a big decision, definitely the biggest

I ever had to make on my own. The King (or to be exact,

his stand-in) wasn't due to make an appearance until

noon tomorrow, so I had a little time to mull things

over. With that in mind, I decided to talk it out with my

last friend left in the palace.

"What do you think, Gleep? Should I take it on the

lam, or stick around and try to bluff it out for one day

asking?"

The response was brief and to the point.

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摘要：

ChapterOne:"There'ssomethingtobesaidforrelatives...ithastobesaidbecauseit'sunprint-able!"—A.EINSTEINThisAceFantasyBookcontainsthecompletetextoftheoriginaltradeedition.Ithasbeencompletelyresetinatypefacedesignedforeasyreading,andwasprintedfromnewHim.AnAceFantasyBook/publishedbyarrangementwithStarblaz...

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Robert Asprin - Myth 04 - Hit Or Myth

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