“To Tell the Troof” by BRAD FERGUSON
Originally published in Fantasy & Science Fiction, January 1989
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Copyright © 1989, 2000 by Brad Ferguson. All rights reserved.
Duplication or redistribution of this file in any form whatsoever is strictly prohibited.
ATHER MORTIMER MCALEER was dozing in
his favorite chair, the plush one in his
study nominally reserved for visitors. It
was another lazy (and officially proclaimed)
Sabbath afternoon on Henderson. It was a world
that didn’t care at all about priests or Sabbaths,
so no one would bother a tired, middle-aged
man in his underwear who wanted to zee a few
zees, his collar off and hanging on a hook ...
except that on this particular so-called Sunday,
McAleer’s telephone buzzed, and kept on
buzzing.
The annoying sound killed McAleer’s nap.
Where’s Zweebl gone to?, the priest asked
himself as he roused himself to answer it. He
was also more than a bit puzzled; no one ever
called the mission.
McAleer activated the audio pickup; he
noticed a light coating of dust, and frowned.
“Hello, St. Polycarp’s. This is Father McAleer.”
“Hello,” came a thin, piping Troof voice.
“This is Klatho, controller at field. Thought I
should tell you. Ship coming in, red-hot
emergency. One-seater, Terran registry;
compatriot of yours, maybe. Maybe perhaps
compatriot in matters of Earthie spirituality,
also. You might want to come? Twenty minutes
and counting to possible big mess.”
“I’ll be there right away.”
“Good. Everybody coming to watch. We not
handle much space traffic, particularly space
traffic that bounces all over sky and maybe
ground, too. You hurry, now, and beat crowd.
Goodbye.” The Troof cut the circuit.
McAleer powered down his own unit. He
knew Klatho slightly, as much as he’d been
allowed to come to know any of the Troof. As
for the Troof’s miserable excuse for a landing
field, the Teamstars had designated the local
field as Class D7 — no place to set down a
starship, even a small one and even under the
best of circumstances. The pilot must be in very
serious trouble, the priest told himself.
“Zweebl!” McAleer called. “Where are
you?”
There was the sound of splashing.
“Upstairs,” came another reedy voice. “Taking
bath. What up, Father Mort?”
“Emergency,” McAleer called back. “Hurry
up. We’re leaving.”
“Right there.” The splashing grew frantic;
then McAleer heard the hurried patter of small
feet.
The priest went to his bedroom and grabbed
a pair of dark slacks and a light jacket from his
closet. He skipped socks; he didn’t have any
clean ones, anyway. Dressing quickly, he
rummaged in a night table next to his bed and
drew out a stole, a prayer book, a vial of oil, and
his pyx. The ship’s pilot could be Orthodox
Catholic, and McAleer might have to administer
last rites. McAleer also grabbed his small
standard-issue medikit and strapped it around
his pot belly; the priest had a working
knowledge of what to do with most of the stuff
in the ‘kit.
“Come on, Zweebl!” McAleer called.
“Coming, Father,” Zweebl said from
upstairs, and the priest heard his Troof assistant
bounding down the stairs — if a four-foot being
who looked like an overripe plum with stubby
legs and a fat, snouted blueberry for a head can
be said to bound. “Here am. Let’s go.”
“We’ll have to take the car,” McAleer said.
Zweebl grimaced. McAleer smiled faintly. “Is
the fuel tank filled?”
“Last time I look.”
“Very well. Church first. Come on.” They
left the mission residence through the
connecting door to the small chapel.
Once inside the darkened church, McAleer
went to the altar, genuflected, and opened the
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