
The Hastillan Weed by Ian Creasey
Ian Creasey was born in 1969 and lives in Yorkshire, England. His fiction has appeared in various
venues including Oceans of the Mind, Gothic.net, On Spec, and The Mammoth Book of Legal Thrillers.
His spare time interests include hiking, conservation, and gardening--anything to get him outdoors and
away from the computer screen. He puts his knowledge of these activities to very good use in his first
story for Asimov's.
* * * *
"Since we have so many new faces," I said to the half-dozen volunteers, "I'll start with a tools talk. Safety
points for the spade--the most important is that when you're digging, you push with the ball of your foot."
I picked up a spade from the pile, and demonstrated by digging up a bluebell growing by the hedge.
From the large bells all round the stem, I knew it was a Spanish bluebell, a garden escapee that if left
unchecked would hybridize with the natives. Too late now, though. You can tell the British bluebell
because the flowers are smaller, deeper blue, and they're usually on one side of the stem, so the plant
droops under their weight as if bowing down before its foreign conqueror. There's hardly a wood left in
England where you'll see only native bluebells.
"Or you can use your heel on the spade." I heaved the invader out of the earth and tossed it aside,
knowing it would safely rot. "But you should never press down with the middle of your foot. The bones in
the arch are delicate, and you can injure yourself."
I turned to the alien. "Of course, that may not apply to you. I guess you know where your weak points
are, if you have any."
The Hastillan picked up a spade with her grey, double-thumbed hand. "Your lawyers made me pledge
not to blame you for any accidents. But I know how to dig. I have a Most Adept Shoveler ring I can
show you." Her translator spoke with the neutral tone of a BBC newsreader, so I couldn't tell whether
she was joking.
"That won't be necessary," I reassured her. "I'm sorry about the lawyers, but everyone has to sign to say
they understood the safety talk. Liability insurance costs a fortune these days." I handed out a pile of
forms to the human contingent. Head office had already cleared the alien. What was her name again?
Holly and brown rice ... Olibrys.
"When you're carrying a spade, you keep it down by your legs, parallel to the ground, holding it at the
point of balance." I demonstrated, balancing the spade on one finger before an arthritic tremor made me
hastily clutch the shaft with a full grip. "This is so that if you fall, the spade goes harmlessly off to the side.
You don't swing it around, or carry it over your shoulders, because if you tripped you could chop
someone's head off. And then we'd lose our no-claims bonus."
As I mentioned each incorrect use of the spade, a hologram made comic pratfalls to illustrate the dreadful
consequences. "When you're not digging with it, you don't hang it on a branch, or lean it against a tree, or
leave it in a trench with the handle sticking up. You place the tool flat on the ground, in an out-of-the-way
spot, with the blade pointing downward--so that if anyone does tread on it, they don't have a Tom and
Jerry moment." Holographic cartoon characters chased each other round the flitter park, tripping over
spades and treading on rakes that sprang up to whack them in the face.
"Any questions on the spade? No? We also have mattocks and bow-saws in the flitter, and I'll instruct
you on those if we need them. But for now, if you've all signed your waivers, we can get on and attack
some weeds."
I counted the forms to make sure everyone had signed. Six volunteers--it was the biggest Sunday group