
The Outsider
The Outsider
by H. P. Lovecraft
Written 1921
Published April 1926 in Weird Tales, Vol. 7, No. 4, p. 449-53.
Unhappy is he to whom the memories of childhood bring only fear and sadness.
Wretched is he who looks back upon lone hours in vast and dismal chambers with brown
hangings and maddening rows of antique books, or upon awed watches in twilight groves
of grotesque, gigantic, and vine-encumbered trees that silently wave twisted branches far
aloft. Such a lot the gods gave to me - to me, the dazed, the disappointed; the barren, the
broken. And yet I am strangely content and cling desperately to those sere memories,
when my mind momentarily threatens to reach beyond to the other.
I know not where I was born, save that the castle was infinitely old and infinitely
horrible, full of dark passages and having high ceilings where the eye could find only
cobwebs and shadows. The stones in the crumbling corridors seemed always hideously
damp, and there was an accursed smell everywhere, as of the piled-up corpses of dead
generations. It was never light, so that I used sometimes to light candles and gaze steadily
at them for relief, nor was there any sun outdoors, since the terrible trees grew high above
the topmost accessible tower. There was one black tower which reached above the trees
into the unknown outer sky, but that was partly ruined and could not be ascended save by
a well-nigh impossible climb up the sheer wall, stone by stone.
I must have lived years in this place, but I cannot measure the time. Beings must have
cared for my needs, yet I cannot recall any person except myself, or anything alive but
the noiseless rats and bats and spiders. I think that whoever nursed me must have been
shockingly aged, since my first conception of a living person was that of somebody
mockingly like myself, yet distorted, shrivelled, and decaying like the castle. To me there
was nothing grotesque in the bones and skeletons that strewed some of the stone crypts
deep down among the foundations. I fantastically associated these things with everyday
events, and thought them more natural than the coloured pictures of living beings which I
found in many of the mouldy books. From such books I learned all that I know. No
teacher urged or guided me, and I do not recall hearing any human voice in all those
years - not even my own; for although I had read of speech, I had never thought to try to
speak aloud. My aspect was a matter equally unthought of, for there were no mirrors in
the castle, and I merely regarded myself by instinct as akin to the youthful figures I saw
drawn and painted in the books. I felt conscious of youth because I remembered so little.
Outside, across the putrid moat and under the dark mute trees, I would often lie and
dream for hours about what I read in the books; and would longingly picture myself
amidst gay crowds in the sunny world beyond the endless forests. Once I tried to escape
from the forest, but as I went farther from the castle the shade grew denser and the air