file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Orson%20Scott%20Card%20-%20Feed%20The%20Baby%20Of%20Love.txt
force of will could he keep her respectable. Well, she was used to
letting the voice of authority make proclamations about what she could
and couldn't do. Almost made her feel at home. And, of course, she'd
do whatever she wanted. This was 1990 and she was forty-two years
old and there was freedom in Russia now so her landlord, whatever his
name was, could take his no-visitors rule and apply it to his own self.
She saw how he sized up her body and decided she was nice-looking.
A man who sees a nice-looking woman and assumes that she's wicked
to the core is confessing his own desires.
After work Rainie didn't have anywhere much to go. She ate
enough for breakfast and lunch at the cafe that dinner didn't play much
of a part in her plans. Besides, the hotel restaurant was too crowded
and noisy and full of people's children running around dripping thick
globs of gravy off their plates. The chatter of people and clatter of
silverware, with Montovani and Kastelanetz (?) playing in the
background -- it was not a sound Rainie could enjoy for long. And
when she passed the piano in the hotel lobby the one time she went
there, she felt no attraction toward it at all, so she knew she wasn't
ready to surface yet.
One afternoon, chilly as it was, she took off her apron after work
and put on her jacket and walked in the waning light down to the river.
There was a park there, a long skinny one that consisted mostly of
parking places, plus a couple of picnic tables, and then a muddy bank
and a river that seemed to be as wide as the San Francisco Bay. Dirty
and cold, that was the Mississippi. It didn't call out for you to swim in
it, but it did keep moving leftward, flowing south, flowing downhill to
New Orleans. I know where this river goes, thought Rainie. I've been
where it ends up, and it ends up pretty low. She remembered Nicky
Villiers sprawled on the levee, his vomit forming one of the Mississippi's
less distinguished tributaries as it trickled on down and disappeared in
the mud. Nicky shot up on heroin one day when she was out and then
forgot he'd done it already and shot up again, or maybe he didn't
forget, but anyway Rainie found him dead in the nasty little apartment
they shared, back in the winter of -- what, sixty-eight? Twenty-two
years ago. Before her first album. Before anybody ever heard of her.
Back when she thought she knew who she was and what she wanted.
If I'd had his baby like he asked me, he'd still be dead and I'd have a
fatherless child old enough to go out drinking without fake i.d.
The sky had clouded up faster than she had thought possible --
sunny but cold when she left the cafe, dark and cloudy and the
temperature dropping about a degree a minute by the time she stood
on the riverbank. Her jacket had been warm enough every other day,
but not today. A blast of wind came into her face from the river, and
there was ice in it. Snowflakes like needles in it. Oh yes, she thought.
This is why I always go south in winter. But this year I'm not even as
smart as a migratory bird, I've gone and got myself a nest in blizzard
country.
She turned around to head back up the bluff to town. For a
moment the wind caught her from behind, catching at her jacket and
making it cling to her back. When she got back to the two-lane
highway and turned north, the wind tried to tear her jacket off her, and
even when she zipped it closed, it cut through. The snow was coming
down for real now, falling steadily and sticking on the grass and on the
gravel at the edges of the road. Her feet were getting wet and cold
right through her shoes as she walked along in the weeds, so she had
to move out onto the asphalt. She walked on the left side of the road
so she could see any oncoming cars, and that made her feel like she
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