There is a lesson there. So perhaps I have enlightenment; I know not to doubt. I know, also, to
take more than two bottles of Coca-Cola with me when I drive out into the wastelands, ten
thousand miles from home. Using a gas station map as if I am still in down-town San
Francisco. It's fine for locating Portsmouth Square but not so fine for locating the genuine
source of Christianity, hidden from the world these twenty-two hundred years.
I will go home and smoke a number, I said to myself. This is a waste of time; from the
moment John Lennon died every-thing has been a waste of time, including mourning over it. I
have given up mourning for Lent ... that is, I cease to grieve.
Raising his hands to us, Barefoot began to talk. I little noted what he said; neither did I
long remember, as the expression goes. The horse's ass was me, for paying a hundred dollars
to listen to this; the man before us was the smart one because he got to keep the money: we
got to give it. That is how you calculate wisdom: by who pays. I teach this. I should instruct
the Sufis, and the Christians as well, especially the Episcopa-lian bishops with their funds.
Front me a hundred bucks, Tim. Imagine calling the bishop "Tim." Like calling the pope
"George" or "Bill" like the lizard in Alice. I think Bill de-scended the chimney, as I recall. It
is an obscure reference; like what Barefoot is saying it is little noted, and no one re-members
it.
"Death in life," Barefoot said, "and life in death; two mo-dalities, like yin and yang, of one
underlying continuum. Two faces-a 'holon,' as Arthur Koestler terms it. You should read
Janus. Each passes into the other as a joyous dance. It is Lord Krishna who dances in us and
through us; we are all Sri Krishna, who, if you remember, comes in the form of time. That is
his real, universal shape. Ultimate form, destroyer of all people ... of everything that is." He
smiled at us all, with beatific pleasure.
Only in the Bay Area, I thought, would this nonsense be tolerated. A two-year-old
addresses us. Christ, how foolish it all is! I feel my old distaste, the angry aversion we
cultivate in Berkeley, that Jeff enjoyed so. His pleasure was to get angry at every trifle. Mine
is to endure nonsense. At financial cost.
I am terribly frightened of death, I thought. Death has de-stroyed me; it isn't Sri Krishna,
destroyer of all people; it is death, destroyer of my friends. It singled them out and left
everyone else undisturbed. Fucking death, I thought. You homed in on those I love. You
utilized their folly and pre-vailed. You took advantage of foolish people, which is truly
unkind. Emily Dickinson was full of shit when she prattled about "kindly Death"; that's an
abominable thought, that death is kind. She never saw a six-car pile-up on the
EastshoreFreeway. Art, like theology, a packaged fraud. Downstairs the people are fighting
while I look for God in a reference book. God, ontological arguments for. Better yet: practical
argu-ments against. There is no such listing. It would have helped a lot if it had come in time:
arguments against being foolish, ontological and empirical, ancient and modern (see common
sense). The trouble with being educated is that it takes a long time; it uses up the better part of
your life and when you are finished what you know is that you would have benefited more by
going into banking. I wonder if bankers ask such questions. They ask what the prime rate is
up to today. If a banker goes out on the Dead Sea Desert he probably takes a flare pistol and
canteens and C-rations and a knife. Not a crucifix display-ing a previous idiocy that was
intended to remind him. De-stroyer of the people on the Eastshore Freeway, and my hopes
besides; Sri Krishna, you got us all. Good luck in your other endeavors. Insofar as they are
equally commendable in the eyes of other gods.
I am faking it, I thought. These passions are bilge. I have become inbred, from hanging
around the Bay Area intellec-tual community; I think as I talk: pompously, and in riddles; I
am not a person but a self-admonishing voice. Worse, I talk as I hear. Garbage in (as the
computer science majors say); gar-bage out. I should stand up and ask Mr. Barefoot a
meaning-less question and then go home while he is phrasing the perfect answer. That way he
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