had kept that secret from our lady, my mother believed it was a secret from
all. But the bondswomen all knew it. I do not know what I heard or overheard,
but when I saw Erod, I would study him and think that I looked much more like
our father than he did, for by then I knew what a father was. And I wondered
that Lady Tazeu did not see it. But she chose to live in ignorance.
During these years I seldom went to the compound. After I had been a half year
or so at the House, I was eager to go back and see Walsu and my grandmother
and show them my fine clothes and clean skin and shining hair; but when I
went, the pups I used to play with threw dirt and stones at me and tore my
clothes. Walsu was in the fields. I had to hide in my grandmother's hut all
day. I never wanted to go back. When my grandmother sent for me, I would go
only with my mother and always stayed close by her. The people in the
compound, even my grandmother, came to look coarse and foul to me. They were
dirty and smelled strongly. They had sores, scars from punishment, lopped
fingers, ears, or noses. Their hands and feet were coarse, with deformed
nails. I was no longer used to people who looked so. We domestics of the Great
House were entirely different from them, I thought. Serving the higher beings,
we became Re then.
When I was thirteen and fourteen Lady Tazeu still kept me in her bed, making
love to me often. But also she had a new pet, the daughter of one of the
cooks, a pretty little girl though white as clay. One night she made love to
me for a long time in ways that she knew gave me great ecstasy of the body.
When I lay exhausted in her arms she whispered "goodbye, goodbye," kissing me
all over my face and breasts. I was too spent to wonder at this.
The next morning my lady called in my mother and myself to tell us that she
intended to give me to her son for his seventeenth birthday. "I shall miss you
terribly, Toti darling," she said, with tears in her eyes. "You have been my
joy. But there isn't another girl on the place that I could let Erod have. You
are the cleanest, dearest, sweetest of them all. I know you are a virgin," she
meant a virgin to men, "and I know my boy will enjoy you. And he'll be kind to
her, Yowa, " she said earnestly to my mother. My mother bowed and said
nothing. There was nothing she could say. And she said nothing to me. It was
too late to speak of the secret she had been so proud of.
Lady Tazeu gave me medicine to prevent conception, but my mother, not trusting
the medicine, went to my grandmother and brought me contraceptive herbs. I
took both faithfully that week.
If a man in the House visited his wife he came to the beza, but if he wanted a
bondswoman she was "sent across." So on the night of the Young Owner's
birthday I was dressed all in red and led over, for the first time in my life,
to the men's side of the House.
My reverence for my lady extended to her son, and I had been taught that
owners were superior by nature to us. But he was a boy whom I had known since
childhood, and I knew that his blood and mine were half the same. It gave me a
strange feeling toward him.
I thought he was shy, afraid of his manhood. Other girls had tried to tempt
him and failed. The women had told me what I was to do, how to offer myself
and encourage him, and I was ready to do that. I was brought to him in his
great bedroom, all of stone carved like lace, with high, thin windows of
violet glass. I stood timidly near the door for a while, and he stood near a
table covered with papers and screens. He came forward at last, took my hand,
and led me to a chair. He made me sit down, and spoke to me standing, which
was A improper, and confused my mind.
"Rakam," he said--that's your name, isn't it?"-l nodded-"Rakam, my mother
means only kindness, and you must not think me ungrateful to her, or blind to
your beauty. But I will not take a woman who cannot freely offer herself.
Intercourse between owner and slave is rape." And he talked on, talking
beautifully, as when my lady read aloud from one of her books. I did not